breakdown...

I hope this old train breaks down then I could take a walk around
See what there is to see, time is just a melody
With all the people in the street walking fast as their feet
Can take them, I just roll through town
And though my windows got a view, well the frame Im looking through
Seems to have no concern for now
So for now I I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please just breakdown
Well this engine screams out loud, centipede going to crawl westbound
So I dont even make a sound cause its going to sting me when I leave this town
And all the people in the street that Ill never get to meet
If these tracks dont bend somehow
And I got no time that I got to get to where I dont need to be
So I I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please just breakdown I want to break on down
But I cant stop now Let me break on down
But you cant stop nothing if you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind that you kept and you know
That you dont know nothing but you dont need to know
The wisdoms in the trees not the glass windows
You cant stop wishing if you dont let go
Of the things that you find and you lose and you know
You keep on rolling, put the moment on hold
Because the frames too bright, so put the blinds down low
I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please just breakdown I got to break on down
But I cant stop now ~ from Jack Johnson latest CD

seriously...I need a breakdown

it finally got one right...

Today's web fortune cookie says the following:

You need a new environment - go on a vacation.

YES I DO! Thank God that i am going to Denver on Saturday (I also thank God for model trains)..think good thoughts as I try to find an apartment...I'm looking for either a one bedroom or two...

FIVE WHOLE DAYS IN MY NEW TOWN. I can't wait.

These are the reasons I will always love Chicago...

(in no certain order...)

• Willow Creek
• Indiana Dunes
• Flat Top Grill
• The Cubs
• Wrigleyville
• The Metra
• The "EL"
• Kane Count Flea Market
• The Skyline
• the Music Scene
• the Theater Selection (and I don't mean AMC)
• Taste of Chicago
• July 3rd Fireworks
• Lake Geneva
• Second City
• 24 Hour Starbucks
• Long Grove
• Penny's Noodle Shop
• Waxman Candles
• Meijer
• Strange Cargo
• The Bar Celona
• Erik and Kathy on the Mix
• Emmetts
• Oprah (not that I ever went, but knowing she was that close felt good)
• July 4th in the City
• Christmas on State Street
• Barrington and Arlington Heights Downtown areas
• Craig, Andy, Scott, Toby, Erik, Tobias, Ryan, Sheryl, Cookie, Summit, and all my friends who made Chicago the best possible place

Thanks...

These two girls have made doing ministry at Willow fun...thanks ladies! I love you both so much! Please come and visit any time!!

distracting

I had a friend call something out today...something I owned up for crossing a boundary. And now, it keeps running through my head...how disappointed I am in the fact that I let him down...something to work through obviously, but right now as I try to finish up a paper, it is keeping me distracted...the shame especially is hindering my work.

dang it!

14:12

So, it was a very event-filled weekend. But in order to understand the weekend, you must begin to understand the week that was before it. Last week was the week that began Cryfest 2005. Official grieving has begun. Wednesday night we (the interns who are graduating) were honored at New Community. Thursday night the graduating interns tried to give our testimony in 3 minutes or less of what has happened in us and through us in the last 3 years. Very daunting, but good. Friday morning was my last small group experience and I have never ever experienced anything like it before. It was beautiful, sad, and hard all at the same time. I love those boys...they have changed my life. As I described it to Sheryl, it doesn't suck, it just is painful. Friday night I had a huddle and then Viv, Kristen, David, Jason, and myself went dancing. It was a blast! Got home at 3:30 am, showered, and took a two hour nap. I had to get up at 6:30 because of the yard sale. We got rid of so much junk and made lots of money in the process (yahoo! I made enough to make a dent in the registration of my car). Had my last one on one with Sheryl and bawled my eyes out. Finished up the yard sale, went home, laid on my couch for 20 minutes, showered and hung out with Kochie and Kreg. Sunday got up, went back to the yard sale, and this is where the fun begins. Jen was selling a pink wig, DW was selling a basketball and some sport goggles. I was challenged to dribble the ball for 15 minutes (without double-dribbling) and I would be given the basketball and the goggles. So I put on the wig, the goggles and started dribbling. I walked up and down the street and at 14:12 I double-dribbled and it was done.



Finished the yard sale officially, went home, showered, made a corn casserole, and went to Axis. Does this feel like a ton to you? IT SHOULD BECAUSE IT WAS!! I feel like I'm running at 100 mph and it won't stop. But I am leaving for Denver on Saturday...and hopefully will have some interviews and an apartment by the time I come back. I'm ready to crash and be in Denver. I'm ready to be done with school (I should be working on a 3000 word paper right now)...I'm ready to relax....

the most important people in my life

I love these people more than life itself right now....and I can't imagine doing life without them. Thank you Sheryl, Ryan, Erik, Toby, Tobias, Scott and Andy for making these three years the best. I love you all...

OH MY GOSH!!

So, if for some reason you have been asleep the last 9 months, I attend a Baptist Seminary. Granted it is over the internet a majority of the time, I still had to sign a lifestyle statement saying I wouldn't drink, do drugs, etc...

Well, on June 10th our seminary is having a bbq for the graduating seniors. And someone typed the following on the evite (which by the way is the best site for planning a party):

madste
is it bring your own beer?

I don't know who this is, but man, do they have chutzpah!

Thanks for putting the idea out there, but I doubt it is BYOB.

A Name Change will be Necessary

So, I can't continue using the name of this blog in about a month. I won't be doing life in the Windy City, so I am taking suggestions....Let me know what you think!

A quote out of context...

Best Imitation of Myself...

thoughts from my head alone

Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows

I'm sure I'll come up with more, but this is just a start...

Redemption...

See NBC...Fox understands the importance of good shows, why can't you?

Thanks Fox for bringing back Arrested Development back next season...

my friend* seth

my friend* seth
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

taken at my friend Kristen's going away party...he taught me how to tie a tie...sort of

NBC, this is your last chance

"Illustrating how TV schedules are constantly in flux, NBC promised two other new comedies would come on the air sometime next season. Two shows not on the September schedule, "Scrubs" and "Fear Factor," will also return at some point."

DAMN RIGHT SCRUBS BETTER RETURN AT SOME POINT OR I WILL GIVE UP ON NBC FOR GOOD.

Fighting an Uphill Battle

Currently, I am trying to find a job...

And I feel like I am fighting an uphill battle. I've worked and reworked my resume multiple times. I've looked on Monster, Social Services websites and the University of Denver website trying to find something to do. And if I'm honest, I'll I really want to do this summer is play. ALL DAY LONG. Which I know can't happen, but if I had all the money in the world, I would take the summer off to reflect over the past three years and the whirlwind they have been. I would spend time with the Trinity, reread the books I've had to fly through over the last 36 months. I would journal more, write more, be creative more. I would take a photography class and a dance class to rebuild my soul. I would make phone calls, type emails, and lay near the pool with my best friend in Arizona.

Unfortunately, none of that can happen because I need something to pay the bills. I can't live in la-la land over the summer...though I wish I could....so I'm going to continue to look and hopefully something will spring up...

a solo ben

pictures from the Ben Folds Concert in chicago are now up on my flickr account. Thanks to Matty for sending these to me!

Sporting a new look...

in light of everything in my life changing as have I known it in the next 30 days, i've decided to try out a new blog look...isn't it hot?!

A Reason Why I LOVE this City...

Yesterday as I was driving home from the gym, I was stuck behind "that" guy. The one using his cell phone and driving at the same time...swerving in and out of his lane (unintentional, but still). Granted, I also talk and drive at the same time, but I tend to be very good at doing both at the same time.

So, as I carefully passed him, I glanced over. Okay, so he's in his mid 70's. But his talking on a Zach Morris phone...LITERALLY! I couldn't believe it! So I was angry at his lack of driving skills, but I couldn't help but laugh at his phone.

Then as I was reading the Sun-Times today, I came across this. I'm grateful that our city cares about driving and talking at the same time. I only wish they cared about the type of phone we use while we do it.

i hope this one is true...

this is what my fortune cookie says today:

You will step on the soil of many countries.

Out of all I have read, this is the one I want the most.

Getting all my ducks in a row...

To all of those who are in Kansas City, that I didn't call while I was in town this weekend, I ask of your forgiveness. It wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with you, it was just the fact that in light of the situation with my grandmother (who is sick, and will probably pass away sometime soon), all I really wanted was to spend the weekend with my family. Granted, it was a decent trip home, but since my best friend no longer lives there, it seemed weird to be near Brookside and not stopping by to say hi.

Anyways, prior to me leaving, I found out that one of our had passed away...not the way you want to leave for a trip home. Then before I left on Monday morning, (actually Sunday night), my parents and I talked about my reasons to move to Denver. While it was a good conversation, it was still hard. But it didn't discourage me from leaving or changing my mind, which is a good thing.

So getting back into the swing of things on Monday was difficult. I arrived home only to receive more bad news about my roommate's father. With very little sleep the night before, and a long road ahead of me, I realized that all I wanted was to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up in a time that wasn't marked by grieving. Saying goodbye, not only to my friends and my pseudo family here, but to my leader, my grandmother...it's just a hard time. And in all the midst of this, I'm trying to plan a trip out to Denver. I'm trying to find a job (and trying to update and make my resume presentable in the marketplace), I'm trying to find a place to live, I'm trying to pack up my room, trying to just be present when all I feel right now is numb.

I'm in the home stretch now...literally. I just need to make it past the finish line and then maybe I can breathe at a normal pace again...

You have got to be kidding me...

My web fortune cookie says the following....

You have an unusual magnetic personality. Just be aware of your polarity.

I'm beginning to believe that my fortune isn't all that unique...

A typical girl comment...

There is a boy...enough said...

I'm so confused by his comments that it is driving me up the wall...

PLEASE BE STRAIGHT FORWARD WITH ME!! IF YOU WANT TO DATE (EVEN ON A FRIDAY NIGHT) THEN TELL ME...IF YOU JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS, THAT FINE... just let me know so I can set my expectations.

i'm so frustrated right now, I could scream!!

I love Joan Davis!

So, last night, my friend Andy invited me and 5 of his closest friends to see Ben Folds at the Riv. And to get it out of the way, the concert was amazing, Ben Folds is a new celebrity crush (and like I told Amy last night, I think my "type" is the nerdy-type guys...who really aren't nerds, but dress like it...does that make sense? Of course there is always exception to this rule. For example, Mark Sprecker. But nine times out of ten, it's the clean cut, professional, nerdy type guy).

But the adventure wasn't the concert, it was what happened prior to the concert (and by concert, I mean Ben) even starting. So, I decided to take the el into the city, one because I hate parking there and two why not enjoy the trip. So, I parked at Cumberland, transferred at Washington to the red line and was enjoying the view when a man sat down in front of me. He tried to start a conversation with the girl sitting across from him, about her bookbag, what she was in school for and when she mentioned something about a lawyer, he tells her that his uncle was Johnnie Cochran. Okay, this is where I begin to laugh...silently. Then he proceeds to tell her that if she wanted he could take her out to dinner, buy her things, etc...but she is trying to ignore the conversation and simply look over the city. By the time I got off the el at Lawrence, I was dying laughing. I went to Borders, talked to Vicki on the phone, and met up with everyone at the Green Mill. And not just any Green Mill, but the one that Al Capone use to hang out at and there is a secret tunnel there. Amy met up with us at that point and we went into the show.

Andy either wanted front row (to stand) or good balcony seats and we got the latter. So Matt, Amy and I began to talk when the guys in front of us began to smoke. This old bouncer came up to us (which by the way, his name is either Rex/Tommy/Joe/Francis) and asked us if the smoke was bothering us, because if it was, we could have them put it out. So funny. Well, somehow we began to talk about when people find out where you went to college and then begin asking you about people (granted it doesn't happen that often for me, but still I know I do it). So we made up a random person (Joan Davis) who is now the staple of that conversation for Amy, Matt and I. The other staple of our conversation was this story Matt had about googling one of his contacts for work and finding a police record on someone with a similar name who stabbed her boyfriend in the heel with a steak knife. Really? The Heel? Steak Knife? "OHHH I'm so angry at you right now, but all I can reach is this steak knife and your heel!" Whose thought process is that?

By the time the opening act got started, it was this Mealoaf looking guy with an accordion singing songs you would expect off of SNL. He mentioned something about a radio broadcaster and then something about the east and west...I really don't remember, but he made us laugh. After he was done, people were trying to find seats and while the other security people were nice, this one guy was completely rude about it. "Stop starring people...move it along...." wow, I'm guessing he doesn't have WOO.

Once Ben began and played, it was an amazing show and did so much for my soul. I met up with Mike for a drink afterwards, which is another blog in itself....But last night was a beautiful night in the city and I loved it...it makes me want to create nights like that in Denver.

I think I am going to throw up (still)...

I take pride in very few things:
1. my love for KSU Football (even in their bad seasons)
2. My knowledge of the most random things...
3. My administration skills

Today though, my admin skills totally failed me. I booked a trip to Denver on Travelocity so that I could go look at apartments. Once I pulled up my calendar though, I realized that I have two major commitments the days I am gone. Wednesday night, we (the interns) are being celebrated at New Community and Thursday we have an intern function at Sheryl's. I had even sent an email to my mentor and my supervisor saying I would be gone. As soon as I saw my calendar, I went into panic mode.

I called Viv, frantic for information regarding what the hell I should do. I called Travelocity and explained that I didn't realize the dates when I was booking the tickets and I couldn't make the trip. The stomach acid started to rise in my throat and the gag reflex began. I was sobbing on the phone to Travelocity as I explained my "Jessica Simpson" moment.

Thankfully, Travelocity was kind enough to refund my entire nonrefundable ticket except for $5. I'm no longer out $189, but I still feel like I am going to throw up. I'm looking over my calendar and the only time (without missing ministry or small group) that I will be able to go is at the end May/beginning of June and I'm moving June 15...maybe that's why I'm going to throw up...it's just cutting it so close.

A Lesson in Hurry Dating...

So last night, Alethea, Toni, Leah and myself all went to do hurry date. Friends, it was an interesting evening. After failing to properly parallel park (people, I learned how to do it in New Orleans...in the French Quarter...I know what I am doing), and paying $5 to park next to the place, we went in for appetizers. Toni and Alethea were on the nervous side, Leah and I were fine, but the 4 of us had n-othing to talk about...very weird. So, Toni and I order some drinks and then the evening began...

I was by myself for the very first round, but quickly picked up after that. It was interesting to say the least. We had a compulsive liar, a lawyer, and some weird guy who Alethea blurted out to that we all worked for Willow. Thankfully that was the only person she told that to. We bolted as soon as it was done, and once I got home, I entered in the people I would say yes to. Out of 10 guys I met, there was only 5 that could be possibilities and out of the 5, there was only 1 who was a yes to me too. We both love Scrubs...so, who knows maybe between now and June 15th I'll have a hot date.

We were given another night of hurry dating for free and I doubt that Leah and Toni would do it again, but Alethea and I might give it another go. Who knows...but for me it was worth it.

Not just big, but big news

Friends, I have made a decision regarding my future. Some of you know this, some of you will be in denial about it, some of you will begin to become passive aggressive with (you know who you are).

I have loved being in Chicago. This has been an amazing thing for me to do, to accomplish, to be a part of. I have loved Summit, Axis, even Elevate...but God has released me from Chicago. I knew a while ago (maybe since February) that I wasn't probably going to stay in Chicago after I graduated, but wanted to listen to God to make sure. I prayed about what I would do, where I would go, who I would be around. I pursued some options, Young Life, a job in Austin...my resume was on sites that I would want to be affiliated with. I then went on my trip to Denver. And I loved it. I loved the people, I love the church, I loved it. Granted, the entire weekend I wrestled with God and cried and asked the tough questions...believe me, this wasn't a rash decision. I sat with Nick, I sat with my small group, I sat with Sheryl, I sat with my best friend, I've consulted lots of people, and finally after about a month, I'm ready to tell the world.

On June 15th, I'm moving to Denver! I can't wait! I'll be flying out in May to find a place to live (downtown) and after graduation, I'll be packing up and starting my first career (if I can find a job) using both my undergrad and my master's. It should be interesting, it should be an adventure, and I know there will be mornings when I'll wake up, look over the city, see the mountains and think to myself, "what the hell did I just do?"

I know many of you will be shocked and surprised by this idea. And some of you will want some one on one time, which I will try to accommodate in my very busy schedule. I'm hoping to do a farewell party in June some time, so watch for the evite on that. But I'm open to hearing your suggestions, thoughts, concerns and would appreciate any prayers as I make this new transition in my life.

unsolicited compliments

I appreciate when someone out of the blue says something nice about you. Even now, I have a hard time truly believing what they are saying, but I'm trying to trust that the words are sincere and true.

But yesterday was a blessing from God. I'm struggling right now, not with decisions, but with who I am and my beauty. As I was walking back from getting the walkies for ministry last night, I ran into Eric and Sharon. My friend Eric says to me (out of the blue, with no prompting from me) "hey you look really good...boot camp must be doing you well." I almost wanted to start crying then and there, but I just said thanks and told him that he had no idea how much that meant to me.

And it's true, it was a blessing to me, it was a gift from a God who wants to remind me on a daily basis that I am beautiful, that I am worthy, that in fact, I am hot stuff.

Now, if only I could begin to believe that on a daily basis...

What a weekend...

First of all...HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICKI AND TONI!

It was a birthday celebration weekend. Friday night we celebrated Vicki's birthday at a Mexican restaurant and then off to karoke at a local bar of Hoffman Estates. Complete fun, laughing, singing, and smiles ensued. Good times had by most and I got home at 3 am.

Saturday I had a meeting with Sheryl that I had to prepare for. The second to last one. It's so sad to think that we won't be meeting on a regular basis starting in June. Like my small group, she is the only stable thing in my life over the past three years. Just thinking about stuff like that makes me sad that my internship is ending. 40 something days left. I don't want to think about it. After we met, I treated myself to Cold Stone and a nap.

That night, I went into the city to celebrate Toni's birthday. We even got to drive past the Virgin Mary site. After a terrible dining experience at Flat Top, we then went to Irish Eyes and Deja Vu. Fantastic time at both places and met some good people there too (hello Sean and Lewis). The fun thing about Irish Eyes is that we got to sing along to songs we knew...I would got there again in a heart beat. Deja Vu was nice, but getting into the Other Room was a pain. I got home this morning at 5:30 am. I'm out of sequence, which is going to hurt tomorrow.

Today was spent sleeping in till 1 pm, and laying on the couch all day. I watched Love Actually, and I was reminded of how much I love that movie. I think a while ago I was becoming contemptuous regarding love, and considering the current struggle I am facing with my own love, I still question whether or not I'm worthy of loving. But it's movies that like that restore my faith that even people like me deserve love like that and I have faith that one day it will happen. So instead of working ahead in school this weekend, I spent it with new friends and old friends and it was exactly what my soul needed. I am beginning to believe that this whole idea of working ahead this quarter is futile, but I'm going to continue to try it. Ministry kicks off tomorrow, and I have ministry again on Friday night. It's going to be a long week...I can feel it already.

To all the math teachers of the world...

I just told some students that they will never use the following subjects: algebra and geometry...haha...I'm thwarting all your plans!

Lost in my own world...

I haven't posted in ages. Not because I haven't had lots to say, but I just didn't feel like writing. My friend Cari wrote about this one day. You just don't want to write anymore. So, I've been listening to music (which by the way, I have beaten the system again! Instead of buying all the CD's I want, I just check them out from the library....ehehehe!)

Decisions are being made, people are beginning to pack, and I'm sitting here still trying to for sure land the plane on something, anything that will lead me down a path past June 12th. And I think I've made one. But I'm waiting till I meet with my mentor on Saturday before I really say anything. No worries, I know for sure that is something I'll want to process here. Stay tune for that post...it will be a doozy of one though.

We had a strategic (every time I use that word, I always think of the Bush/Gore debate from SNL in 2000) meeting with Darrien last night. I was surprised how well it went, though I feel at times people were holding back because we still don't know Darrien (even after a year), but the more I get to know him, the more I appreciate his leadership. He and I even had a good conversation afterwards...good kid, you should get to know him.

Lot's of lunch dates this week, ministry kicking off next, and doing laundry (again) at the laundry mat...what a week. But this weekend should be a blast. My friend Vicki is having a birthday party on Friday and my friend Toni is having one on Saturday. PLUS next Wednesday is Speed Dating...FINALLY! I'm actually excited about it...I can't wait to see what happens.

Otherwise, I'm going to work on more ministry stuff....but all I really want to do is take a nap. We had the best thunderstorm (with lightening) last night. Being from the Middle of America, you appreciate good rainstorms...the best are in Kansas. It's actually the few things I miss from Kansas.

I cannot concentrate at all!

62º"EXQUISITE"

I really wanted to call in sick and just sit in the sunshine all day long. I was at the laundry mat today (our dryer is broken, and I have anger around that, but haven't really processed it quite yet...though I tried with my mom yesterday and we agreed to disagree) and as I was sitting outside, I wanted to just stay forever...skip ministry and sleep in the sun. But instead I'm stuck inside, under fluorescent lights listening to Stevie Wonder.

I was getting a fountain drink today at Thorntons and realized that I want to write one of those survey things that gets floated around the internet, which asks you questions like "what don't you like about yourself?", but doesn't ask the good questions like "if you had to play a sport in high school (excluding the one you possibly played), what would you pick?". Check back next week for it and then pass it onto all your friends...Let's see if I can be that person!

I'm actually ahead of school work...YES! So, this weekend, I get to enjoy a yoga class, a bbq with princess, and cleaning my room. By the way, my arms are sore from boot camp today...stupid press.

I have to go shopping this weekend...there is a long story about the clothes I am buying, something I'm not ready to tell you all about, but it's necessary to be prepared...

So, get outside, enjoy the beautiful weather and until next week...

A discussion on media

First of all, isn't this the pot calling the kettle black (from Relevant):

Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye, authors of the Left Behind series, have criticized the new NBC mini-series Revelations as being "unbiblical" and "weird." In other news, the 87th book in the Left Behind series will be available this fall ...

Back to the topic at hand...I think I've always been a closet Weezer fan. I remember when they first released their album and I couldn't get enough of it. In 2003, they put out a cd (which was good) and the music video featured the Muppets...COME ON! Who doesn't love the Muppets?! Now, they are getting ready to release a new cd and the first single I simply love. I doubt I'll actually buy the whole cd (I have a rule that I must like three songs off the cd before I buy it, unless it is one of my favorite bands).

Ben Folds is getting ready to release his new cd (April 26th) and I'm so excited because he is touring with this cd, which means I get to see him in May. YAHOO! I also enjoy the first song...in fact I crank it up every time it is on the radio...I just wished they played it more often. In fact, I'm so obsessed with this song that I almost want to buy it from iTunes just so I put it on repeat.

I'm still l-oving The Office. Seriously...did you watch it last night? Don't worry, you can catch a repeat of it on NBC this Thursday at 7:30 pm (CST). Take the 30 minutes to watch this show...it is hilarious (it's even funnier if somehow you can relate to the show...much like Office Space).

I'm hoping to catch Fever Pitch this weekend...with my friend Joel..but it's suppose to be 70, so maybe I'll take a nap outside with my iPod instead...

Procrastination

I'm trying, I really am, to write my first reading report for my last class. And while I have one section almost done, it is killing me to be working. So, I decided to wander around the web, trying to waste time from my class and using up a new free wireless place (the library, but it's too damn quiet, so next time I need to bring my headphones).

I began to think about what my future holds, where I will be in 9 weeks (I know, I can't believe it either). I thought about trips I would want to take if I had all the money in the world; songs I would want to download; the weather outside; everything you could think of. And then one thought stuck...what if I didn't have the major I had in college, would I be in this place today? What if I had the balls in college to go for a major in interior design and gone somewhere exotic to get my masters? What if during my freshman year of judgment from the Christians I knew I really had transferred to UNLV or Arizona State? What if I had gone through with rush and had become a sorority girl? Where would my life be now? I know that I shouldn't think about this stuff, but it's true...Where would I be now?

Even now, I think about things I want to do and grow in, but I never move forward on. I've always wanted to learn Italian, study photography, become a better chef, but I continuously sit on my rear and do nothing about it. So, as I sit here, continuing in my process of procrastination, I'll continue to surf the web and pimp the internet...and think about the what if's of my life.

What a weekend (and it's not done yet)

First of all, I need to address something. A while ago, my friend Viv wrote about how she felt like Peter Gallagher because she needed to get her eyebrows waxed (you can read about it here). While I don't feel like Sandy from the OC, I do feel like I am beginning to look like this man:

So, thankfully, I'm going in next weekend, but it's currently driving me insane.

In other news, I had a weekend that I couldn't resist talking about...Friday night I went dancing at the Alumni Club that bears a resemblance to an old favorite from Manhattan once called KJ's (come on all you K-State grads, you know what I am talking about). A great new shirt from Old Navy (who knew they started producing club wear?) and then we were off. At times I felt like I was 20, dancing with a married man (we shamed him later) and meeting two Italian "dancers" and at other times, I realized that I do miss going dancing. I need to do it more often. We got home at 2:30, talked until 3, slept until 7, and drove home.

On Saturday, my plan was to work on LeRon's stuff, and hang out with my bootcamp friends. Well, once I officially got home at 8:30, I took a shower, and laid on the couch...until 11:30 am when I decided that I should go ahead and go lay down in my bed. I took a nap until 2:15!! Well, once I realized that I couldn't bounce back from that kind of nap, I filled up on bad Saturday afternoon TV and got ready for the night with my bootcamp friends. We had dinner and drinks, congratulated the people who graduated and then I went home. Friends, I was in bed by 10:15 pm and asleep by 10:30! I was exhausted.

Today I got up at 9, went to interview a potential volunteer at 10:30, and now I'm getting ready to go to Long Grove with VBT and Kristin. So much for getting school work done. A leader's meeting tonight and Axis later. I have to get work done some point today...or maybe tomorrow. All I know is that I am feeling behind and the class just started!!

Keen (and not the band)

This is how the Sun Times website describes the weather right now and my friends, it is keen. It is amazing outside and the weather is suppose to stay nice through the weekend. I can't wait to sit outside all day tomorrow and just enjoy the beauty of the day.

In other news, I came across an article yesterday that I couldn't resist talking about today. The title of it was "Cookie Monster Advocating Eating Healthy". You have got to be kidding me. The same blue monster that taught me C was for Cookie and that's good enough for me was now going to be saying that only one cookie a day was good enough for him? I had to read on. And it's true. Instead of shoving the entire plate of cookies down his throat, the Cookie Monster was now going to advocate that a balanced meal is now the new way to go. However for those of us who have watched it when we were little, perhaps this information and change in the Cookie Monster's philosophy might be too little too late. Don't get me wrong, I love the Muppets. I'm obsessed with the Muppets and on Tuesday I walked away from a $5.50 copy of the Muppets Take Manhattan (one of the greatest movies of all time in my opinion). I believe every child should watch Seasme Street every day because it teaches you so much...like how to count to 12 with the pinball machine or how to actually get to Seasme Street where monsters are no longer scary but a friend. And now the big blue guy is changing his song? If he goes all Atkins on me, that might cross the line.

So, until then, my big blue friend, I will stick with your original story and realize that C is for cookie and that's good enough for me too...

Accomplishments

For me, getting stuff done and done well is big. Not just big but big. Becoming the second person in my family to graduate from college, and the second with my Master's is big. I've hiked the Continental Divide in high school. I've traveled through London by myself. But today, I feel like a new accomplishment needs to be recorded.

I own two belts (not including the multiple scarves I use as belts). One is brown and needs to be retired, and a black one that has rarely been used because at one point, it began to cut off my circulation on my lower half. Typically, I only wear the brown one, even if my shoes are black, simply because it allows me to breathe. Last night as I was grabbing clothes to wear today after boot camp, I decided that I would take the risk and throw in my black belt. This morning after getting ready, I pulled on my jeans and they felt looser...BIG. Then I braved the belt. I threaded it through the loops and realized I was holding my breath. And then I locked it into place and realized it no longer cut off my circulation. BIG!!! So, to the trainer that continuously kicks my tail every morning, Monday through Friday at 9 am...I thank you!

Being the cheeve that I am...

I like numbers...but I do not like math. Never have, never will.

I like to look at my odometer and see how far I have driven in a day.

I enjoy recently watching the scale tip lower and lower.

I love that my google pop-up blocker has over 17,000 blocked pop-ups.

And thanks to the internet community, I have received 1013 hits on my blog since starting my invisible hit counter.

So, thanks to all of you who have stopped by...invite a friend to stop by and add me to your links!

Happy Birthday Celebrity Boyfriend...

In light of Zach Braff's birthday (the big 30 today), I wanted to celebrate this special day with him. May his birthday be filled with unexpected joy, celebration and another punk'd episode.

and yes, I do realize that I am obsessed...I'm okay with it, either get under it or over it...

The Most Random Retreat Ever!

I got back from the retreat on Monday morning. Thank you Dave for getting up at 4:30 am to take me to the airport! It was an amazing experience, something I am still processing...All I know is that I spent most of the time wrestling with God over answers to questions I felt I need Him to answer. It was the most beautiful site I have seen, watching a community from 5 different states come together for one reason. I saw personal light bulbs go off, freedom begin to flow through people's spirits and tears flow from eyes that finally felt emotions that were locked away. My friends, transformation began for people on this trip. I felt honored to sit in a room and watch it.

But for me, it was hard. I cried, I was tired, I was emotionally drained. I knew that if I didn't go after Nick, I wouldn't get much time with him. But we had dinner at the Tavern on Sunday night. I spilled out my past three months to him over an Amstel Light and a burger (which I felt today as I was running backwards up the hill for boot camp). He answered questions, he helped me see the light, I felt peace in my soul. Friends, it was an amazing experience and once I process it more with my small group and my inner circle, you'll know more about it.

I was fortunate enough to help Dave and Sara find their apartment...It's amazing! I laughed with old friends, made new ones and almost peed my pants at watching "The Office". I was called a cheeve (don't ask about the spelling, but the definition is basically anything you want to say); I went shopping and had Sonic...outside...in the sun...with a dog. Friends, it was the best weekend I've had in a while.

But don't get me wrong, it was the most random retreat ever, but I loved it. It was where I needed to be this weekend. If you click on the picture above, you can see photos from the weekend.

By the way, it's currently 63, sunny, and beautiful outside. I'm in a short sleeve shirt, capris and flip flops...my friends, it is fantastic!

Blogger freaking out...

Okay, I've wanted to post 300 times today, but blogger has been freaking out all day long. And now, I can't remember half of the post I wanted to write...

I'm sure there was one about the fact that I loved that Kelly called me out of the blue...
I'm sure there was one about how Omarosa will be on the Surreal Life (which means I will not watch next season)...
I'm sure there was one about my boot camp class today....
I'm sure there was one to be written about the fact that I just realize I drink close to 1 gallon of water a day...
I'm sure there was one about the beautiful weather (70 degrees)...
I'm sure there is something to say about Denver in a few short days...
I'm sure I wanted to write about the fact that speed dating isn't tomorrow but now it's not until April...
I'm sure I wanted to write about how all I want for dinner is Taco Bell...

But I can't remember what I really wanted to say.

Except that I'm tired and I'm in pain due to a hard workout today...I'm ready for a vacation, a walk with Chi and Sonic for lunch on Friday....

ps-If you want a google email account (gmail), let me know...I have 50 invites...

Because I'm addicted to these things...

My friend Liz (who walked by me today, but didn't say anything, which she claims she didn't see me, but whatever, I still love her) had this on her site, so I decided to do it too...I'm such a follower...

1. First name: Meghan
2. Were you named after anyone? Nope.
3. Do you wish on stars? All the time…the better question is do the wishes come true?
4. When did you last cry? Last night, while watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yep, but since I spend so much time on the computer, I don’t get to write that often.
6. What is your favorite lunch meal? Willow’s Tuna on Multi-Grain with Honey Mustard…so good.
7. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? What kind of question is this?
8.If you could be Water, Earth, or Air, which would you be? Well, since my sign is a water sign and I love being in the water, I would have to say Water
9. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yep, Friday night at “good” Friday celebration…Now Viv and Brad know it.
10. Do looks matter? Yes, but its not all that matters. Personality and character have a lot to do with it too.
11. How do you release anger? I go to the thrift store, buy old cheap plates and break them in the garage (there is a back story, you’ll have to ask me about it)
12. Where is your second home? Sad to say, but Willow.
13. Do you trust others easily? It depends…yes and no
14. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Little Pony Set…it was FABULOUS!
15. What class in school do you think was totally useless? In high school, Math…all math classes. In College? Well, it would have to be Personal Finance. In Seminary? Almost all my leadership courses.
16. Do you have a journal? Yes
17. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Not as much as I once did, but I still do.
18. Favorite movie(s)? Garden State, So I Married an Axe Murderer, A Mighty Wind, Chicago, Finding Neverland, Sixteen Candles
19. What are your nicknames? Megs, Smith, Kegs, and the most recent one…Jeeves
20. Would you bungee jump? Doubtful
21. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? never
22. Do you think that you are strong? I’m getting there physically…Emotionally; I’m 100% stronger than I was 3 years ago
23. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Cookie Dough…especially Cold Stone’s version of it….
24. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My inability to trust the goodness of God.
25. Who do you miss most? Tiffany
26. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Man, the entire Internet community would be cool, but no
27. What color pants are you wearing? Khaki
28. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Fire Engine Red
29. Last person you talked to on the phone? My grandmother…I miss her
Were you interested in the conversation as well or just the who? Yes…silly question
30. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Smile and eyes
31. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes…she’s the best!
32. How are you today? Doing well…loving the weather and the fact the windows are open…a little tired
33. Favorite drink? Water, Cherry Coke, and a good cold beer
34. Favorite sport? To watch: K-State Football to play: ultimate
35. Hair Color? Currently brown…check back in 3 weeks
36. Do you wear contacts? Yes, otherwise I am blind
37. Favorite food? Bacon Cheeseburgers and Fries
38. Last movie you watched? The American President on TNT
40. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings
41. Summer or winter? Summer. The winter here last too damn long
42. Hugs or kisses? Yes.
43. What is your favorite dessert? Tiramisu
44. Living arrangements? Townhome, renting a room with a roommate
44. What are your desired living arrangements? Denver or Austin…
45. What's on your mouse pad? Nothing…I’m on my laptop
46. What did you watch last night on TV? Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
47. Favorite smell? Freshed baked cookies…only chocolate chip cookies
48. Rolling Stones or Beatles? Beatles.
49. Do you believe in evolution or creationism? Both…if you want to have this conversation, then email me…I refuse to discuss my theology with someone in a comment box.
50. What's the last nice thing somebody said to you? That they loved my sense of humor…this came from the guy teaching my boot camp.

The week ahead...

First of all, the Chicago Sun-Times website claims that today's weather is "breakthrough". They honestly have the best description of the weather, so you should check it out some time. It is freaking gorgeous outside today...and tomorrow is suppose to be 70!! Can you believe it?! That's right, spring has finally arrive...PTL!

My first Easter was a success. A spiral cut ham is truly a newbies gift to cooking. Don't believe me? Try it yourself...Thanks to Sara and Dave who brought a casserole and Vivie for bringing the dessert, we had a great time. Next time will be a lot less intimidating.

In other news, I leave Thursday for Denver and I cannot wait. The mountains, the beauty, but no old school Nintendo...which makes me very sad. Speed dating on Wednesday (prepare for a post) and back on Monday. It will be a great weekend to get away.

Class starts in a week...1 week till my last class! HOLY CRAP that's big...not just big, but big. Sara nominated me to speak at graduation and of course, the list of things that would be inappropriate to say has begun...Trust me, you'll know if I get to speak.

So, until Wednesday night after Speed Dating, get out and enjoy the beautiful weather... I know I will be!

Be yourself and you will always be in fashion.

My internet fortune cookie told me this today...Interesting in light of my desire to be on What Not to Wear.

Today was a pool day in boot camp so I feel like I smell like chlorine, a smell that will not go away until at least Saturday.

It's a weird weekend. No major plans on Friday or Saturday and having friends over on Sunday for Easter lunch. I'm cooking my first ham, so I am slightly nervous. What if for some reason, I do it wrong? Yikes!

In other news about me...well, next Wednesday I'm doing speed dating. My friend Alethea asked me if I wanted to do it and I couldn't pass up an opportunity to have fun in the city and have 20 four minutes dates in one night. Trust me, there will be a post following that adventure.

So, until next week...Congrats go out to Vanessa and Glenn on getting married (which is just fun because Van and I have known each other since 2000 and I've known Glenn since he was a freshman in high school) and have a very Happy Easter!

What Not To Wear

I love shows that feature transformation. Whether it's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (I cry...EVERY TIME) or the old episodes of Trading Spaces, I get hooked and cannot turn my eyes away. It's almost as bad as Behind the Music on VH1. If you start watching during the last 30 minutes, you are hooked and can't turn away.

My favorite of these shows is What Not to Wear on TLC (aka: The Lord's Channel because it's all about Transformation). I want to be on there so Stacy and Clinton can speak truth into my wardrobe and tell me what I really should be wearing as oppose to the jeans and t-shirts I wear on a daily basis. I realize they can be cruel, and if I did make it on, I know I would probably cry, but still, it's something I really want to do. Especially if I continue on my gym track the way I have. Who knows, maybe by the time I finish up boot camp, I'll be able to show off my new hot bod in some new hot clothes. Oh..one can wish can't they?

My hope is that my own personal (and physical) transformation will continue. I just can't wait to see where it ends up in 2 months. That's right, I finished my first month of boot camp and I only threw up once (you'll have to ask me for that story).

Look out Denver...I'm coming back!

After what appears to be the worst birthday week ever (now there's a show for VH1), I had a meeting with my mentor on Saturday. Let me back up...you'll need a back story on this.

My friends are planting a church in Denver. When Nick and the first crew left a year ago, I resisted going, simply because I didn't have a pay check to go. Then I went in September. And I loved it. I loved the people from Iowa, I loved the concept of the church, I fell in love with the town...how could you not?

Well, after receiving the news from Young Life, I had to sit down and process through everything. And I called Nick to let him know that I wouldn't becoming to the retreat the first weekend in April. He pushed back on me, and I told him that I would have to process it with my mentor and get back to him on Sunday. Which is where my mentor comes in on Saturday. She did a fantastic job (like usual) of speaking truth into my life and reassuring me that the ministry aspect of the past three years weren't done in vain. And we talked about what Denver would mean to me if I did go. To go, simply listen, observe, and surrender Denver as a whole. So, today, I booked a ticket with $241 that I don't have. I'm waiting for God to show up with it (and by it, the money) in some fashion that just knocks me off my rocker. But I need to get away. To sit in community and receive. And I need to figure out how I'm going to get to the airport on Thursday afternoon. But I'm ready to go and sit in the presence of the Trinity and see what they have to say to me about my future past June 11th.

Kansas news

This is so weird. I had this professor while I was an English major for 2 minutes. He taught me about the Development and the Structure of the English language. And if I'm honest, they were amazing classes. Hard as all get out, but good. In fact, those were the only two books I saved from college (not because they will do me any good now, but because Varney's wouldn't buy them back). Out of all the profs I had at K-State, I don't think I would have picked him as the someone who could murder someone. It's so bizarre....If you want information regarding the case and what K-State is doing regarding this whole freaky situation, you can read about it here.

In other Kansas news, KU officially sucks as a basketball team. If you don't believe me, look at this.

I'm done...sort of...

Well friends, I have officially ended the second to last quarter of my master's degree career.

Sort of.

Today alone, I turned in three papers. I'm done writing papers until April 4th. I'm done studying until April 4th. Yahoo! The only problem is that the program we use to communicate with our professors (Blackboard) is down...until sometime this weekend.

Which means that the final exam I have left to take for my Old Testament 3 class will have to wait until Monday. I refuse to focus on it this weekend. I need the weekend to process the events over the past week. I need to not focus on school, but sleep in, cry, be angry, be sad, and have a good time at Joel and Andy's party on Saturday night.

So, I'm declaring that I'm done with school for this quarter!
ONE CLASS LEFT! WITH LERON! I do heart LeRon.

I can't wait.

Have you heard this?

Once again, lyrics are sticking in my head from multiple songs that are speaking to me...like the new Crossfade song, "Cold". Have you heard it? Look at these lyrics:

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things you should have known
I guess for me there’s just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

I just feel so grateful that I have a group of people that know the screwed up sides of me that I no longer keep so deep inside of me. And to those people (and they know who they are)...thank you. I love you all.

Sometimes...

someone says it better than I could...

I was sitting, waiting, wishing
You believed in superstitions
Then maybe you would see the signs
But lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain’t the lord no I’m just a fool
Learning loving somebody
Don’t make them love you
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
I sang your songs
I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
But putting up with them
Wasn’t worth never having you
Maybe you’ve been through this before
But it’s my first time so please ignore
The next few lines because they’re directed at you
I can’t always be waiting, waiting on you
I can’t always be playing, playing your fool
I keep playing your part
But it’s not my scene
Want this plot to twist
I’ve had enough mystery
You keep building it up
But then you’re shooting me down
But I’m already down
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Just wait a minute
Just sitting, waiting
Well if I was in your position
I’d put down all my ammunition
I’d wonder why it had taken me so long
But lord knows that I’m not you
And if I was I wouldn’t be so cruel
Because waiting on love
Ain’t so easy to do
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?
Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
by Jack Johnson off his latest cd: In Between Dreams

Happy Birthday to me!

Yes, friends, the official 25th Birthday is today. I can't believe it...25 years old! And if I'm honest, this isn't where I thought I would be by 25. By 25, I imagined my life would look slightly different. Married, a child, living in Kansas City, with a dog. Nope, nope, nope, nope. Funny how life takes you down one path and then changes it completely. But I'm content entering my 25th year. Sure, I wish the week would have started differently, but who's to say that it won't change completely soon?

My friend Andy asked me at my party on Friday when was the last time I cried at a birthday. And I honestly couldn't think of a time until this morning after I finished working out (thank you bootcamp class at 6 am). It was my 19th birthday and I was pseudo dating a guy name Aubrey. (I realize now that should have been my first clue this wasn't going to work). I actually found him making out at KJ's (now I really do miss that place) with some random girl. That birthday sucked...

As for my best birthday, I had to think about that one for a while too. Since it's March, it typically fell over Spring Break. I had to figure out a way to celebrate it before or after. In high school, it was spent on the slopes in Colorado. In college, 2 years were spent in Kansas City, 1 year was the Bahamas and 1 year in London. I think my London birthday was incredible, and it was that trip that I began to really fall in love with London. I saw fantastic plays, great museums and traveled a little by myself.

And then there's this year. A party last Friday, a party this Saturday and fun times today. Lunch with Carol, dessert with Viv, Craig, and maybe a new friend. And it's exactly what I want. Maybe the 25th year won't be so bad...maybe it will be the best birthday....I'm just excited to see what happens....I just know I'm excited to see what happens and ready for the next chapter to begin.

my fortune cookie...

Insecurity is your biggest hurdle.

dang gina! right again! this thing is as good as the magic eight ball.

This is not the way I wanted to start my birthday celebration week...

Young Life has decided that I am not the right fit for them...So, it's hard but I'm just processing it right now...Feel free to email me or call me if you have any questions...
Sorry, I just don't feel like writing more right now...

Thank you!

I just wanted to thank my favorite people for helping me celebrate my 25th birthday a little early this year...it was the exact thing I wanted and it wouldn't have been the same without you! I love you all....

And you wonder why I don't own a cat!

Here is the number one reason I REFUSE to own a cat....

I miss my friend Chad...

...who probably doesn't read this, but I wanted to let you all know that it's true.

See, Chad wasn't someone that I met through college or through Heartland. Chad was my Bucks boss and without a doubt, he ranks right up there with one of the best bosses I have ever had. He's the only one these days who gets what the air c is, or that reference to Ross and his teeth and how I play into that scene. He was willing to sing with me behind the bar and cry with me when I left the Bucks to come here. He knows what I look like at my best, seen me during my worst, and looked at me across the table after drinking margaritas and said perhaps it would be best for us to walk around the Plaza before driving home. And to be completely honest (something I'm realizing that I love these days), he is the last guy that overwhelmed me...and not in a bad way, but the way that as a girl you want to be overwhelmed.

He and I spoke a lot when I first moved here. And then it slowly faded. And then he moved to Seattle, and we spoke again more frequently and now it's faded. He's now the person who gets the random phone calls after a good night with the girls. I wish I could see him right now and I would love to go out to Seattle and see him in his new life, but that probably won't happen until at least August now (financially and all). But I was missing him today and wanted to let him know that...even if he doesn't read this thing. And now the entire internet community now knows that I miss him and for right now, that may be enough.

.
Pictures from the Axis Retreat are now up...granted, I didn't take that many, but hey, it's better than nothing...

Do you even know me??

I got sick last week...random fever, stuffy nose, cough...everyone has had it here in Chicago. Saturday night after my great night in the city, I started to lose my voice. Yesterday it was barely here and by Axis Sunday night, it hurt to talk and swallow. My speech therapist told me not to talk any more...which I ignored over dinner with Viv and Craig.

So, here it is today, and I thought I had gotten it back, but it completely and utterly gone. I love to talk. I love singing with the radio. Tonight, I was suppose to talk to junior high and high school students about security and it's gone! I never lose my voice! This is so wrong. And I'm offering up a reward...If you have seen or heard my true voice in the last 24 hours, please return it....a whole dollar could be coming your way if you find it for me.

I feel bad about not being able to talk tonight...I'm just hoping I get it back by tomorrow...Otherwise, I might actually have to go the doctor...

It's Nights Like Last Night that Make Me Want to Stay...

I traveled into the city last night to celebrate my friend Mike’s birthday (Happy Birthday by the way). We started off at this great wine bar, and friends, let me tell you, if you want a good, romantic, fantastic view of the city, then this is the place to go. You can sit on couches, hold a conversation and still have a fantastic time…it’s worth the trip into the city. We had a great time and once Erin and I found something to talk about (because according to Mike, we were unable to have any conversations on our own), it was smooth sailing. With about 15 people, a couple of bottles of great wine, some good moldy cheese, we were ready to move to another scene.

We ended up here, which was great…we were able to have a couple of drinks, some good dance tunes and tons of pictures. We laughed at the white guys who cannot dance and then I realized it was 2 am. After saying good-bye to everyone and watching Kate and Erin get into their cabs, Mike and I walked down to here and ate a good polish dog, only after being yelled at (because that’s what they do here). I drove home and crashed into bed by 3:15.

I had a fantastic time. I laughed, met new people, drank fantastic wine, danced and realized that I really do love this city. It’s moment like these that I realize I don’t want to leave, that I can’t imagine not having this city at my finger tips and don’t know if I’ll ever live in another city like this…so, thank you Mike for giving me a couple of reasons to stay…it just makes the decision harder!

These are the days you are never ready for...

When one signs on to be a youth pastor, one tends to think they will have a good, fun, and easy job. Overnight retreats, the ability to watch MTV and not feel guilty, summer camp, fun songs, etc are what is typically involved when one becomes a youth pastor. However, today is not the day one envisions for themselves when one decides to become a youth pastor.

I'm sitting here, waiting for Liz to call me so I can go over to her house. She wants someone to comfort her, to be with her and not to ask any questions, just someone who is willing to enter into her pain right now. Liz, like so many right now, are grieving through the loss of a dear friend. I didn't know Laurie personally. I've met her several times at the bucks, and a couple of times at Willow, so we recognized each others faces, but we didn't know each other. I was confused when I saw her name come across the screen on NBC5 Friday morning as I was getting ready for the gym, and now we have an understanding of what happened or at least where she is.

For me, this isn't my first lost. I know it won't be the last time a student or mentee calls me in tears asking for a shoulder to cry on in the midst of pain. I feel like I can relate considering I've lost so many of those close to me over the years. The first real grief I felt was losing Rita almost 8 years ago. Then I lost my friend Nick from high school, my grandfather in 2000, my friend Josh from college...there are times when it seems so easy to follow Jesus' example...be kind, compassionate, love like crazy, speak truth in love...and times when it's so hard...a man of sorrows...acquainted with grief...

I feel so sad for Laurie's family, friends, fiance, customers, acquaintances, the people in her classes. Things will never be the same...But for now, as a community we must come together and simply just be...

True, True

My friend Vanessa reminded me that Kansas City isn't that bad of a city and she's right. Kansas City is a nice, wholesome town, but don't you ever just feel like you've out grown something? I doubt I would have lasted in Manhattan after I graduated. My friend Bri did for a while, but I doubt I would have even lasted as long as she did. For me, I began to out-grow Kansas City during my last spring there and I don't know if I could survive moving back. I realize that sounds so over dramatic, but it would be a hard move back. I've changed in the last three years, and I don't want to fall into the old habits I had prior to me moving here. I'm sure if God called me back to KC, I know I would go and He would raise up a group of people around me that was a loving community...I just know right now, I couldn't go back.

So, anyways...I have survived 1 week of boot camp. Yesterday, as I was recovering from a sudden fever/stuffy nose attack, I could not move. It actually hurt. But I lost three pounds (go me!) so I'm happy. 1 week down, 11 to go. Everything still hurts, but I'm growing more and more appreciative of the guys who run this class because they are working my sorry tail into shape.

I have a busy weekend planned. Laundry and cleaning of my room and bathroom need to be done. TONS of school work (2 more weeks...then I have one class left). A trip to the wine bar on Saturday night to celebrate a friend's birthday and Axis on Sunday. It should be good...I'm looking forward to relaxing though. I need it....that and a good laugh.

99 Red Balloons

Here it is...99 days till all this ends. When I officially leave this place and try to do life on my own. I am amazed, slightly scared, and very anxious to know what June 12 offers (which is the day after I graduate).

I've been a student for 20 years. I have no idea how to be anything else, and while I have been here, I have come close to understanding that I'm not going to be a student forever. It's so scary. I have no idea what's around the corner, all I know is that it's very possible I could be doing life on my own.

My life is still crazy, it's still hard. I'm grateful for the people who are willing to let me be messy when the grieving starts, which now seems to be on a daily basis. It's so weird to think that this is my last Next Gen Conference, it's the last time with the Axis retreat, it's a lot of last things. And if I'm completely honest and vulnerable, there are only a few people that I want to be with me through this, and these are people who have been with me for three years. But there are a few new people who I desperately want to be on this with me, but I just don't know if I have it in me right now to try anything new.

So, right now, I'm sitting in my office, looking over the things I need to do over the next 99 days. Conversations that need to be had, things I need to get to finishing up, work things that must be done before I leave. Otherwise, I'm sitting in the fact that my very best friend in the entire world is moving. So, now Kansas City has lost some of it's appeal, but that does mean where ever she and her growing family end up, I'll have a warm place to visit. I'll miss her like crazy, but we haven't lived in the same town since 2002, so it won't be any different, but trips to KC now just won't be the same. It was her and her family that I longed to see as soon as I got home...this just now gives me a better excuse to stay a short period of time.

I'm ready for a new season, and not just a physical season, but a new season in life...this one is just so hard that I just don't know if I can continue to do it.

Welcome back!

What a weekend! And because you have been dying to figure out how I spent it, I'm going to tell you in full detail.

Obviously, you all know now how Friday morning went. I'm still feeling good about it, so now it's just a waiting game between now and in two weeks. Friday afternoon, A, Bets and myself all headed up to The Grand Geneva for the Axis Retreat. It was a good time. It's weird walking into a retreat of 250 people and not knowing that many. But it was good. Friday night we had a dance party with DJ Fisher Price. Now, if you know me at all, you know I need at least 8 hours of sleep to function properly. Friday night, I got 2. I even tried to read something for Old Testament, and that didn't even put me to sleep. Saturday was filled with breakout sessions which was fun and 3 hour nap. Saturday night we had communion and some great worship...which I grieved through simply because I realized I don't know how many more sweet Axis moments I'll have. We left Sunday after a vision casting moment and I got back just in time to catch an hour nap and the Oscars. I loved it simply because I got to see some people that I really enjoy hanging out with and I made a new best friend because we both can't stand the same movie. Your fabulous call me every five minutes.

And now it's back to the grind. I have school work I need to finish this week. I started my boot camp class this morning which just left me with humiliation of being poked and measured. But at least I know now and knowing is half the battle. It looks like an overwhelming week with ministry tonight and Friday night, a conference in between and maybe a trip to the city to celebrate a friend's birthday. So, until then, I'll just sit back and try to catch up on the things I missed this weekend.

ps-pictures from the retreat tomorrow!

Update on the job front...

okay, here's what I know so far...
I just finished my interviews and now I'm sitting in Panera writing this blog. I feel like the interviews went well. I met with the regional director one on one and with 4 area directors. The regional director did a great job of painting the picture of what type of position I would be best suited for (not an intern, but not quite an area director...so a direct ministry position). I feel like they all went well and when I felt my intensity coming on strong, which can overwhelm some people, I tried to reign it in on some level. I'll know within 2 weeks if they want to continue the process with me in Chicago. If the direct ministry position isn't available in Chicago, they are willing to help me find a position within the organization some place else. So, I'll keep you posted on what I know when I know it! Thanks for the good thoughts and prayers...they were definitely felt!

on a complete side note:
I have a button that is no longer working on my computer for my mouse and it's driving me insane, but the cute boy sitting at the next table in Panera is keeping me distracted from that minor problem. I just hope my computer can stick it out until December...and then I can purchase what I really want.

Common Courtesy

I was raised in the south. I am not a debutante, I am just a normal almost 25 year old who understands that when you receive a present, you send a thank you note and you say please and thank you. Now, I was raised with a few things my friends never were raised with. First of all, I still have to say ma'am and sir. I still try to say please and thank you. I appreciate when a man opens the door or pulls out my seat for me. Up until December, I still called adults by Mr. and Mrs. and their last names. And of course there were things I learned that were crazy, like the fact that I was taught children are seen, not heard and that I knew how to have a conversation with a 40 year old because I often went to my dad's office parties. People often why I'm so mature...I assume that has something to do with it. I still believe that you shouldn't talk on your cell phone on an airplane, that you don't talk during a movie, and you clip your toe nails in a private room.

So, today, as I sit in the place where I pimp the internet, I am frustrated out of my mind by the boy playing behind me. He has some type of top that he has to pull a string to get it to spin. And he keeps spinning again and again. No one is watching him, no one is asking him to stop, so it keeps hitting the tile floor and driving me insane. Do parents not teach their children common courtesy any more? That perhaps this isn't the right place to keep using the top and maybe the mom should be paying more attention to the kid not her latte and newspaper. Maybe the south has it right in the aspect of common courtesy and teaching about respect in public places.

Emily Rose Ijeva

Emily Rose Ijeva
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

Please help me welcome my favorite Brit's new baby girl...born on Monday, February 21st at 5:19 am.

I'm so happy for you Jase and Rach!

Please, please, Please!!!

I wish I could talk to you individually and let you know about the process I have been in over the past few months, but the blog will have to do for now.

On Friday, February 25th, I have my first round of interviews at Young Life in Chicago-land. They will start at 1 pm with 3 different 30 minute interviews with multiple people from the Chicago-land staff. Please keep me in your prayers on Friday. I became nervous today (I don't know why...oh wait, maybe because it's my first real job interview). So, who knows where this will lead, who knows where it will end up (Chicago...maybe Denver...maybe some place completely), but I just know that the more people who know about this and will be praying about this will be so important.

I'm going on the Axis Retreat this weekend, so hopefully before I leave I will be able to send another blog to let you know how it goes. Feel free to call after 3 pm on Friday if you want specific details (umm...yes, if you want to reach me, you should know the phone number...I'm crazy, but not crazy enough to post my phone number on the web). Otherwise...keep me in your prayers and good thoughts! Thanks friends!

love you all!

I Heart Zach Braff

He's just so cute...I can't resist placing a picture of him here...Thank you Zach Braff for changing my life.

Uggs

I'm sitting in Panera again...pimping their internet.

I'd like to mention something about uggs.

I do not own a pair of uggs. I think they are ugly. But I do believe some people can pull them off appropriately (ie: my best friend).

But if you are over the age of 30, have four kids, and are dressing like you are 15 in your short skit, bright pink shirt and a hodded sweatshirt, you should not have on uggs.

Do these people not have a loving community around them that will say "I love you and no"?

A good week in pop culture

I am a huge fan of pop culture. And I remember the most random things, so it tends to make people question my knowledge. Not in a bad way, but just in a "whoa...how did you know that type of way?" So, let's review the past week in pop culture.

American Idol picked their 24 final contestants. One has really cute hair. I eventually want hair as cute as hers. I am going to make my top three predictions now. I'm not really good at this, but hey, it's worth the shot (these are in no order):
1. Mikalah Gordon
2. Mario Vazquez
3. Constantine Maroulis
American Idol now goes to three times a week, which means that I will only start watching it on Wednesdays (the night they announce who will be going on). The other two nights, I will have to rely on the witty remarks of these fools.

On the OC this week, we continue our saga with Sandy and Kirsten and the past. Damn you past...why don't you just leave us alone. Now they won't even eat Chinese food because of you. If you watch it careful, you realized there were two of my favorite things advertised in the show...The Best Week Ever and 2 Buck Chuck. Thank you OC for pushing these two things into America's hands.

On a rerun of Friends, we see how the girls win back the apartment...
On ER, I couldn't watch it because it dealt with a stroke...it made me think of my grammy...I miss her.

Scrubs this week was a genius episode. Seriously, are you still not watching? That's sad. No worries though, the first season comes out on DVD on May 17th. Get it.

And currently, I look like Ashlee Simpson. I have cute choppy hair which is now a deep chocolate brown. I like it.

Army green isn't my color...

Last week, as I was driving to the best place on earth to get some school work done, I had the following conversation on the phone:
me-hello?
phone-hi, is Meghan there?
m-this is Meghan.
p-Hi meghan, this is Paul Howe, I saw your resume on churchstaffing.com and had a couple of questions for you. Do you have some time?
m-sure, go ahead.

[I'll go ahead and jump to the good part]

p-Well, I have an odd question for you...Have you ever considered being a Chaplin for the military?
interior monologue: HELL NO! There is no way I am going to Iraq.
m-Well, actually I don't think that's in my calling...

The conversation continues on and then I call my friend Cookie to tell her about, which in return she leaves one of the funniest messages around...in fact I have it still saved on my phone. But she said something when we talked later. Cookie said that she would pay to see me go through boot camp. I agreed that it would be a funny site, but that I would be in the best shape of my life.

So, starting on Monday, February 28th, I'm starting boot camp. At my gym, so not at some fort located in the middle of no where Iowa. It's 12 weeks long and I think, no I know that it's going to kick my a$$. And hopefully by May, I'll be looking good, just in time for swimsuit season.

what a wonderful night (but, boy, was it cold)

my friend Craig
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

First of all, let me say that I am sitting in Panera, blogging, on my new wireless computer. I've had a laptop for about 2 years now (I got it right after I moved to Chicago) and it wasn't until yesterday that I had wireless capabilities (THANK YOU DW!). So, I'm enjoying a good cup of soup, with my computer in my lap...it truly is a beautiful thing.

Last night I wondered into the city to hang out with Craig. Craig is an actor at heart and he was the star in a one-act play. There were three other plays (all one act), but his was the best. And I'm not just saying that because you know he's my friend and I love him, but it really was the best. The first one was about a relationship (decent but the writer was cocky) and the last one was about a couple that wants to eat a man (like Craig said last night, I could have written better, and that is true).

We drove into the city together...which by the way, no traffic at 4:30 pm.that was a miracle. We had dinner at the good Italian place where prior to dinner we played hangman (the local church is the hope of the world and if you have the gift of leadership then lead) and talked about funny stories that happened once at a Super Bowl party.

We walked around, but as soon as we got outside, it was freaking' cold out and all I wanted was a cup of coffee (I couldn't feel my upper lip). I drove back last night, only to miss hanging out with my friend Mike, and got home just in time to watch American Idol, taped of course.

All, in all, it was great. I really had a fantastic time with Craig, just enjoying the city and watching him in his element. It's friendship like his that make me want to stay in Chicago...

27 days, 8 hours, 22 minutes

Just a quick reminder of how many more shopping days you have until the big day.

Don't forget to check out the wish list !

You know you want to....

who are the sickos that create this stuff?

I am a proud excite.com user. I've had my email through them for almost 3 years now, and I rarely have spam and I get a great front page where I get news, entertainment updates, and funny web fortune cookies. Thanks to my friend Cari, though, I will be moving to gmail within the next few months (don't get your panties in a wad, just a response will be needed to the email I send you, not now, in order for me to switch your information...besides, this won't take place until I move, so June).

Now, here is my problem. There is an ad at the top of my excite page. With a toe, and at one point the toe nail lifts up. I have no idea what the add is for, but I CANNOT LOOK AT IT. I gag every time I see it, and the thought alone...eww!

Please, who ever thinks of that crap and then decides to put it on the web, please stop...my stomach can't handle much more.

interesting...

my web fortune cookie says the following:

You have an unusual magnetic personality. Just be aware of your polarity.

I am beginning to think that my computer and the web knows me a little to well.

Happy Valentines Day

It's valentine's day...

For the first time in years, I actually have on red...I'm not donning my typical all black outfit in my disgust of this holiday.

It's actually a year that I want a valentine. And I had a possibility of spending time with someone this weekend who I am interested in and then they never called. So, that hurt...people I still believe in common courtesy. But as the books says, "he's just not into you". There is always person #2...maybe something will be there. Life will go on and there will be no bitterness towards the guilty party.

But today instead of focusing on the love I am without but on the people I am eternally grateful for. I thank each one of you for your support, encouragement, honesty, and the love you give me on an every day basis. Thank you...because of your friendship, my valentine's day is a little brighter this year.

in the midst of grief, sadness, and pain...

Let me preface this post by saying two things:
1. It will be long.
2. It will probably be sad (well, it's sad for me and my hope is that you can enter into that with me, but a majority of people cannot so, just pretend)

If you still have the patience for me to ramble, please continue on. Otherwise, come back next week from something a little less dramatic and we'll continue on.

Within the past three weeks, I have received information after information about people leaving Chicago. My mentor and the director of the internship...a majority of the interns who started with me (that was a given, it's now harder than I expected)...my friend Vivian...other people from Willow...David and Sara (given as well, but after spending two weeks with them it's still hard). I'm honestly questioning my role here in Chicago and if I want to stay. Why, when so much of my community is leaving, should I stay? I feel disconnected and sitting in a swirl of questions and emotions.

Perhaps it's my longing to be wanted...to be accepted...to be loved that is making this so tough for me. This is the only place I have ever lived and experienced a community that is transformational and willing to call me out on my crap and still love me inspite of it. And I appreciate that; in fact I now love it and can't imagine life without it. And now that's all changing. I don't do well with change. I like stability, traditions, the status quo. Heck, I even have assessments that say the those things. I told the Trinity the other day that if I need to stay, that I need relationships to start (any type of relationship)...I'm now waiting to see if that happens.

And then I saw Hotel Rwanda today. I needed a day to myself. To not be surrounded by people asking me the constant question of what are you doing next. I DON'T KNOW!!! Trust me...And you'll be on the list to find out...please stop asking! I needed a day to get up, straighten my room, take a long hot shower, go to lunch at Panera, read the paper, and spend time with the Trinity. I needed to reconnect with my soul. Of course I cried...it's powerful. If you watch that movie and don't cry, there are serious issues going on. And as it has been pointed out to me recently, I am a fighter of injustice. When my mentor told me that she was leaving, I got angry. It wasn't fair and it still isn't fair. So watching a movie where injustice is happening every second of every day...so not cool. A good cry was produced and I drove to the library in the silence of my car. I feel more connected with the Trinity and my soul, but I don't feel like I've still gotten to my gut to see what the Trinity is telling me about current and future situations.

All this to say is that January was hard, half way through February is hard, and I'm predicting that the next 4 months will be hard. No easy track for me. But there is hope, and that my friends is what I am clinging to right now.

Updated me!

Thanks to Amy, I have been able to update my blog and make it very cool. I'm so grateful to this girl! And I don't even know her! That my friends is the blessing of community! Now, onto bigger and better things...like a movie staring Grace Adler, I mean Debra Messing.

The best day ever!

VH1 has a show called "Best Week Ever". It's the way I catch up on all the weeks events on Saturday mornings at 10 am (CST). If you have VH1, check it out...

Today though is my best day ever (well, not ever, I have had great days before...my first kiss, my graduation from college, senior pub crawl in college, getting my first car...). I received the following email:

Hi Meghan,
Just a note to say that your senior statement of faith has been approved and needs no more work.
Congratulations.
Mark

The toughest paper I've ever had to write is now officially finished. THANK YOU GOD! Appropriate celebration has now commenced.

Based on today alone...

I will always buy a Honda/Acura car.

My transmission has an issue, an internal problem.

I not only have a 100,000 mile warranty on my transmission (THANK YOU GOD), they are paying for my rental car and all I will pay for is my oil change.

I am so grateful that I am not out 5 grand...and that I get to drive my first rental car! Just shy of my 25 th birthday (which does mean that the thrill of renting a car now on my 25th is gone)...so sad.

Feeling old...

In lieu of my birthday being only 36 days, 13 hours and 49 minutes away, I realized how old I am getting in the past few days.

While I was at Bethel, in line at the Super Target buying necessary snacks to keep me awake in class, I heard the following question:

"Hey Dad, who's Bruce Springsteen?"

ouch...that one hurt.

Last night during the Super Bowl halftime show (which I enjoyed, but that's because I appreciate and like the Beatles), a friend of mine was asked by a high school student if the man singing was John Mayer....

People, isn't it time we start to offer classes in high school on music before 1990? I think that could easily be an elective...in fact, I'll teach it if a school district would let me.

Do you know what today is??

I woke up this morning at 6:15 am. Which may not seem early to you, but it's early for me. I had to pack, shower, eat breakfast and help load the car. I sat down at the table for my last waffle and began to think about my day. Chapel at 8, class at 8:30, no lunch, class should end around 1:30 (though I wish it would be 1). Grab lunch at Taco John's, drive for 6 hours, get home, crash and burn...

Before I leave, I need to turn in my lunch card...oh wait it's packed away...I'll mail it in.

I need to see Jason one more time...

I need to go to chapel, in case there is something I need to hear about...

But today is the last time I'll be on this campus, in intensives, in the Residence Inn truly enjoying community.

Today was my last chapel. Today will be the last time I see Jason until next March (I promise, I'm coming).

Today is the last day I'll be here and be a student.

When I arrive on June 10th (126 days from now), I'll be arriving to don a cap and gown and walk down an aisle and receive a degree that I have worked my ass off to receive. I've cried more, laughed harder, thought more, stretched myself as far as I thought I would go. And of course I'm sad.

When I arrive back in Chicago tonight, I will be on the down slope of my program. 4 more months. Out of 3 years in which I have changed so much that I don't even recognize myself at times, I have only 4 more months. The thought alone makes me want to throw up. I have no idea what is next. I have inklings of what is next. I have fear about where I will be and where I want to be. I have fear around losing the best community I will probably ever experience and whether or not I will ever find it again. So, I'm leaving Bethel today, only to arrive back and graduate. I need to make these last 4 months count...I need to make them the best....I need to reach those desires...perhaps Tennyson says it best:

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean. Tears from the depth of some divine despair rise in the heart and gather to the eyes, in looking on the happy autumn-fields, and thinking of the days that are no more-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Realizing

the reason my sweater is fitting weird today isn't because i've had a waffle for breakfast every single morning....

it's because my t-shirt that i have on underneath is on backwards.

i've had it on for almost 8 hours and now i'm just realizing this...something deeper must be going on.

Shopping around...

I've wanted a tattoo since 1998. I originally thought I would get (brace yourself) Kermit the Frog with my sorority letters. I wasn't part of a sorority in college and now realize that both Kermit the Frog and sorority letters would have been a bad choice. Then I wanted something that screamed Christian and now realize that too would have been a bad choice. And I feel like now I have settled on something.

I want something to remind me of the transformation I have seen in my own life over the past three years. I want something that reminds me of the name that I felt the Trinity call me on a daily basis. I want something that I know is me, something I have come into full with, something that I identify with and no longer run from.

So, I think for graduation I'm going to get one. On my foot, under my flip flop line...a permanent reminder of my new name received from the Trinity.

My Beloved Daughter...in Hebrew...

For my 25th birthday....

Thanks to amazon.com, I am able to create a birthday wish list. My best friend recently told me that I am hard to shop for (my mother later agreed with her). So, I've taken a step to help all of those who are looking for something to buy me for the big birthday (41 days away). I want to give you all enough time to buy something...not that I'm expecting anything, but in case you want to buy me something...

http://amazon.com/gp/registry/22AX51SP9TO5Y

The other thing I would like is 4 tickets to a U2 concert...any takers?? (a girl can dream can't she??)

a guilty pleasure

My friend Sara and I like to watch trashy TV. Well, I like to watch trashy TV when I am home too (Wednesday nights are the best for it...Nanny 911 on fox, America's Next Top Model on UPN, and Wife Swap on ABC). We've been watching Cheaters every night here...so funny (and sad, yes, but mostly funny). If you have a chance, and want to have a decent laugh, find it on your TV...it's worth it.