a reflection back

In October of 2005, I posted about a song (typical me). Today I pulled out that song again and listened to it for the first time in a while...since this summer.

In reflecting back, I couldn't figure it out what it meant to my soul, no more than I could today. However, today it seemed to make more sense of what I was going through then.

come pick me up by ryan adams

When they call your name

Will you walk right up

With a smile on your face

Or will you cower in fear

In your favorite sweater

With an old love letter

I wish you would

I wish you would

Come pick me up

Take me out

F**k me up

Steal my records

Screw all my friends

They're all full of shit

With a smile on your face

And then do it again

I wish you would

When you're walking downtown

Do you wish I was there

Do you wish it was me

With the windows clear and the mannequins eyes

Do they all look like mine

You know you could I wish you would

Come pick me up

Take me out

F**k me up

Steal my records

Screw all my friends behind my back

With a smile on your face

And then do it again

I wish you would

I wish you'd make up my bed

So I could make up my mind

Try it for sleeping instead

Maybe you'll rest sometime

I wish I could

hmm...means so much more, so much deeper than I realized only a year ago...

welcome back, welcome back, welcome back...

YAHOO!! My celebrity boyfriend is back starting tonight...Scrubs starts tonight at 9:00 PM EST. You know, as much as I thank God for the model train, I am also now grateful for the VCR...without it, I'd miss Grey's and that's just not going to happen.

my prayer on this cold night...

The shackles are undone
The bullets quit the gun
The heat that's in the sun
Will keep us when there's none
The rule has been disproved
The stone it has been moved
The grave is now a groove
All debts are removed

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's done to me?

Love makes strange enemies
Makes love where love may please
The soul and its striptease
Hate brought to its knees
The sky over our head
We can reach it from our bed
You let me in your heart
And out of my head, head…

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's done to me?

Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
Please don't ever let me out of you

I've got no shame, oh no, oh no

Oh can't you see what love has done?
Oh can't you see?
Oh can't you see what love has done?
What it's doing to me?

I know I hurt you and I made you cry
Did everything but murder you and I
But love left a window in the skies
And to love I rhapsodize
To every broken heart
For every heart that cries
Love left a window in the skies
And to love I rhapsodize

This is U2's new song off of their latest cd. I want nothing more than for this to be my prayer for the next week, month, year...because I want everyone to know what love has done to the..especially in the last four months.

So, thank you Love for what you have done to me, because without You, I think I would have check myself into the hosptial worried that I was absolutely crazy.

To CNN/Headline News Producers

*I noticed this when I was up at 4:00 am and couldn't fall asleep...

At no point is it appropriate to use the song "Step by Step" by the late 80's/early 90's band New Kids on the Block to exit out of the news....NEVER!

perhaps, this is the beginning of feeling healed

This Sunday started off like any typical Sunday. I got up, I had breakfast, I went shopping with my friend Sara, I bought the really fun shoes, and then I came home.

And then perhaps the most unexpected thing happened. I walked back into a church. I didn't know anyone there besides Sara and Ethan. However, it felt natural, warm and hopeful.

I didn't feel out of place, I didn't walk in with a huge chip on my shoulder, I didn't walk in questioning how they were going to screw me over.

In an odd way, I felt like I was home. It reminded me of Jacob's Well in Kansas City, it reminded me of the intimate moments at Axis. It reminded me of good it felt to be connected to a larger body of people. And it was beautiful...

Perhaps you don't have to throw the baby out with the bath water...perhaps there is a middle ground where I can have my community and a larger group to be connected with...and perhaps this is what it feels like to be healed...

I kinda like it.

...the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you. -- Sarah Ban Breathnach

Yes, I am now just getting home from Thanksgiving dinner. And what a wonderful Thanksgiving it was. After spending the day with the Shepherd/Simpson family, I'm realizing how much I have to be grateful for.

And while I don't feel it is necessary to tell you each and everything I am grateful for, what I am most grateful for in this moment is cathartic conversations. You know, those conversations that after you are done having you feel more centered, more alive, more you. What I realized as I looked around the room after all the parents, grandmothers, aunts and uncles had left was that my life has truly been blessed in the last 4 months. To have the space to process, hear, cry, laugh, and release is precious, something often taken for granted and walked on without blinking an eye.

So to Beth and Frank for opening up their house, for their tears, and for their words, to Jen for your wisdom, to Maria for seeking to understand and Kathy for giving words of freedom, I thank you for perhaps what might be one of the best Thanksgivings I have ever had.

"You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you."
~ Sarah Ban Breathnach ~
Simple Abundance

See that fancy blue box

You might be curious to why the blue box is there.

Perhaps you don't care...either way, I'm going to tell you about it.

In order to raise some money for my trip to Kenya (don't worry, you'll start hearing about this soon enough), I've decided to ad AdSense to my blog. Perhaps when you use that blue little box some extra cash will be coming my way. And if push comes to shove and it doesn't work, that's fine too. Bri and I are brainstorming like crazy to figure out ways to fund raise for this trip.

Until then, please use it...help me out...this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and you can be a part of it (even you random people in India)

the things we will do for beauty

Our company holiday party is coming up soon. In order to look my best, I have bought a new dress...one that can be worn for this event as well as New Years Eve (I think for the first time in 3 years I'll actually be able to dress up and now that I know my fashion sense more than I did then, I'm willing to do some things over the top).

I want to look stunning for my party. Shallow, probably, but it's to prove to someone that it was their loss that they didn't grow a pair and make a move. So the dress is on its way here. Hopefully it will be here on Monday.

Here's the deal, it's a simple black dress...a cute little ruffle at the bottom, but now I need the shoes that state that I am a hottie that shouldn't be overlooked...

Do you think that these express that?

Everybody likes to go their own way--to choose their own time and manner of devotion. -- Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

I was struck by something tonight...something that has been in the works for over 3 months, but it struck me like a ton of bricks.

The life I lead now looks completely different from the life I lead one year ago... A majority of the friends I had a year ago have discarded me like a song you play too many times. I was stuck in a job that felt crushing, too easy, and had a lack of purpose. I was desperate for anyone to recognize me outside (and inside) of the community I had come so far to be a part of.

There are questions I'm dying to answer to...what happened? At what point did I become the person that people hated the most? At what point did my job change and at what point did I open myself up to some great friends that I had missed?

And while my life looks drastically different, here's what I know now to be true.

I chose out and by choosing out, I now have beautiful friends, who ask great questions, who push me closer to the Trinity in ways I haven't experienced in a year. I actually enjoy my job most of the time. I have found a place where my opinion matters, where I have earned the nickname the hammer, and where my superiors want to know what I think. I actually enjoy the people I work with, who have become friends outside of 8-5, Monday through Friday.

I am leading a wonderful life...and as much confusion I have over the last year of my life, I am grateful for it because it has opened my eyes to things I know now to be true, about me, about my life, about grace, about truth, and above all...love.

Finally, someone recognized what I was doing...

I sat in a meeting today with the CEO of my company. Yes, the same CEO who calls me the hammer.

The person we were meeting with asked if I was more accessible than him. I said yes, but probably until January. After January, I had no idea if I was accessible or not.

This is what shock me. The CEO made mention of me moving into a position where I was doing what I was doing for the last 4 months. He told this person that I had been doing a wonderful job and that he was impressed with my job.

And then he said the little words I've been dying to hear. He said "She's been doing 2 jobs, and been doing great at each..."

THANK YOU FOR REALIZING THAT FOR THE LAST 4 MONTHS I'VE BEEN WORKING AT 2 JOBS.

Now, if what he said is true that it might be possible for me to move up into a position like I've been doing, that would be awesome...

my latest song

In the events of my iPod crashing this summer, I lost all of my Counting Crows live cds.

Which wouldn't be a problem, except that I have no idea of where they are.

So I pulled out my old Counting Crows cds to listen to one my favorite songs ever written...Anna Begins.

Here are the lyrics:

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.
My friend implores me, "For one time only,make an exception." I am not worried.
Wrap her up in a package of lies,
Send her off to a coconut island.
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
We're always changing...
It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Or something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences.
"But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away.
And Anna begins to change her mind.
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.
I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break.
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.
But then I start to think about the consequences,
And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away.
And Anna begins to change my mind.
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
She's talking in her sleep.
It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.
And every word is nonsense but I understand and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
Her kindness bangs a gong,
It's moving me along.
And Anna begins to fade away.
It's chasing me away. She disappears, and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

I think the reason I keep playing this on repeat has nothing to do with the fact that my soul is distressed (which is typically the reason I play Counting Crows on repeat), but has everything to do with 9th line in this song (actually, the 9th, 10th, and 11th lines).

I was reflecting over my last year, trying to piece together the parts where I'm still feeling the pain, the sadness, the anger, the frustration of the last year. Trying to reframe my story in light of all that happened...

It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.

Trying to redefine love in light of the last year makes it hard to actually love. Is it true, honest, beautiful or something that isn't spoken about in the light of day? Is it hidden from everyone except a few or given to every person, place and thing? When people hide from love, or abuse it to get what they want or need, the person hurt realizes that trying to love again is sometimes too painful...and I don't know if I want to live with that.

So, as I enter the last 54 days of the year, I'll try to move past the last year and move towards a future that looks different than I imagined and attempt to love in ways that I can only begin to dream of...because I can't let the last year continue to prevent me from moving forward.

60

I just realized that there are 60 days left this year.

Not that I'm asking for 2006 back (which by the way, I had a friend ask which year was worst, 2005 or 2006. It took me a second to answer that. While 2006 was dramatic and painful, in 2005 something horrible happened every single month, to me individually. So, my answer was 2005).

Anyways, I feel like there is this huge sense of "oh...my...god...I have so much to get done between now and then.

60 days to spend time with Tiff, to grow in friendship with Sara, go to Boulder to see a game, maybe go see a hockey game, maybe find a church, to fly back to Kansas City, to start skiing again, to see if I can position myself in a new job, to laugh, cry, redeem 2006, to plan for 2007...

wow...60 days.

to realize how small the world is

It's freezing in Denver. Well, not right now, not in this moment, but it's going to be freezing tonight.

And as the cold front blew in this afternoon, I decided that the staple of Panera would be the best option for lunch. I walked in, knew what I wanted and ordered my lunch...

However, this is when I realized how small the world was...

I saw one of our clients sitting with 3 other people. I waved, he waved and I thought nothing of it. As he was walking out, I noticed the 4th person at his table. Man, that guy looks so familiar. How did I recognize him?

And then it hit me...for my senior homecoming, I went with my friend Mike. We went retro and had the best time. We went to a malt shop for dinner and just laughed.

That's right, 8 years later, my high school homecoming date is living in Denver, working for our client, 2 blocks from my office.

Supposedly, they are going to bring him...I kinda hope it's tomorrow...It's my hope to rebuild the wonderful friendship I once I had with him...

thank you Elliot

I went out with some friends tonight, because I could and because wanted to...and as I sat down on a bench to enjoy the beautiful Colorado crisp night and the heaters, this guy sat down across from us (Sara, Jen and I).

He said the following:
"Do you all lay awake at night, thinking to yourself 'I am so beautiful.'?"

I didn't before, but I will tonight...

ahh, the little things in life that make you smile for days...

a day late and a dollar short

I recently bought the cd "Plans" by Death Cab for Cutie...and I can't stop listening to it. Mostly, I can't stop listening to 2 of the songs.

But the one that is really sitting with me these days is Someday You Will Be Loved...I feel like it's what the Trinity is saying to me these days.

Someday You Will be Loved, by Death Cab for Cutie
I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

a commitment to wonder

And by wonder, I'll use dictionary.com's second definition "to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel".

In the last year, I think I've lost my wonder. I've shut it down because of my life circumstances (a discussion that isn't fully appropriate here), however, after last weekend, I'm realizing how much I miss my wonder. I miss the part of me that always likes to imagine the best in people, who hopes for people, who believes in Santa Claus, love at first sight, and that the underdog always wins. And I've let others tell me it's wrong, told me to put it away, told me to basically shut up.

But today I am letting the world know that it's back...prepare yourself.

I don't know what happened this weekend, I don't know if it was celebrating Hayden's 1st birthday, or simply hanging out with my coworker and her friend, but here's the deal...I miss being filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel. I want to be filled with wonder in my friendships, that they will not hold back on the hard conversation and that there will be moments of awe. I want to assume that it's possible I am good at my job. I want to be surprised, not ashamed, when the CEO tells me I am doing a good job. And I'm sorry that I let the last year strip away my wonder, and I'm sorry I let it go on for as long as it did.

But I want it back.

In a long term relationship, you get your stuff back when you break up. I want my wonder back, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get it back because I miss it. I miss who I am when I haven't had it. I think Kelly recognized it when she was here over the summer...to see how beaten down I was, and she encouraged me to find it again. Tiffany, I know heard it in my voice all year long and didn't believe it until she came here (by the way, she's coming back and I cannot wait).

So, here's the deal...I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it back...and this time, when I get my wonder back, I will not let anyone strip it from me again.

I didn't realize

That asking about test results would lead someone to dump me. Now, I realize that my sensitive heart can be viewed as a flaw to some people, but it's one of the characteristics I love about myself. I've grown to love it...it's taken me years to appreciate it (mostly because it as shut down as a child, but that's for another time).

I'm sorry that I asked, I'm sorry that you chose to respond and open up...that part isn't my fault.

And you are right, I do have potential...you'll just miss out on it.

And it's over

For the last month, I've been seeing a great guy. He was nice, and caring, however it didn't last.

And to be honest...I'm really okay with it.

No, really I am.

Of course I am sad, but not devastated. And I knew it wasn't going to be forever. We had strange hours, we didn't really connect on a deep level, we didn't spend hours trying to figure out what made each other tick.

But for a short month, I understood that I was lovable, desirable and above all worthy.

So, Grant...thanks...it was wonderful meeting you...thank you being a part of my life over the last month...I will always think fondly of you.

I swear, my city isn't this slutty

I just saw this on MTV

Please, vistors and soon to be movers of Denver, remember not everyone in this city is as slutty as The Real World Denver would like you to believe. This makes me nervous.

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

I am so grateful for my vacation...while there have been moments of anxiety (like getting a crazy flu bug for 6 hours), I am overwhelmed by this trip. Let me tell you a little bit more about my trip...

When I arrive on Thursday, I got to my hotel and dropped off my bags and headed towards the market. Why would anyone shop any place but the market is beyond me. Fresh flowers, fresh fruit, fresh fish...it was beautiful. I grabbed lunch and sat at the pier. Staring at the bay was, for the first time in a while, that I felt the freedom to simply stare off into the distance. I decided that since I was on vacation, taking a nap wasn't a bad thing. So I headed back to the hotel for a nap. I climbed into bed, a little chilly, but figured the blankets would help. An hour later, I realized something was drastically wrong. I was freezing, but my ears were on fire. I could not stop shaking. Crazy enough, 10 minutes later I was on fire. I had a freakish flu. It took me 25 minutes to walk from my hotel half a block to buy 2 bottles of Sprite, some saltines, chicken noodle soup and a bottle of water. And of course, every sick person's friend...Nyquil. And by Friday morning, I was fine.

Friday, I went to the Experience Music Project. I loved it. I learned how to play the drums, learned a ton about Jimi Hendrix and felt like I was in my element. It is remarkable to me how much I love music. I have no idea where it came from but I love to be surrounded by it. I went to lunch at a quaint little restaurant on the bay and had a delicious crab sandwich...and then a beautiful moment.

Friday night. I was fortunate to have dinner with 2 people I am crazy for, Erik and Toby. These are two of the men I was able to do 3 years of my life with. Having them in my small group for the 3 years I was at Willow was a blessing and while I sat across from them at dinner on Saturday night, I realized I felt at home. Home, where no one questions you, where you are allowed to be yourself, where you can simply show up...that's where I was. And I loved it. While I have had real conversations in the last year in Denver, I felt like for the first time in a long time, I had a truth-filled conversation. One where everyone shared openly, not because they had to, but because they wanted to, because they felt the freedom to share. It felt like a piece of my soul was handed back to me and reminded me of the gift I was given for three years. And I am grateful. I am grateful for sitting across from them and being heard...truly heard. I feel like only a few in Denver actually hear me. I am grateful for Erik's constantly thinking mind, of incorporating theology into my story and for Toby's compassion and understanding that can only come from knowing where I have been.

The amazing thing I took out of this dinner was my increased desire to know and be known. I want to ask better questions, listen better, love deeper and care more...to everyone, not just the people who I spend the most time with (and them as well).

On Saturday, I awoke late...8:00 am and got ready for the day. I headed down toward my friend Chad's Starbucks. Oh Chad...I love his friendship to me and I've missed it over the last year. Now the creepy man mustache, that should go. I took the ferry out to Bainbridge Island and then turned around and took it straight back to Seattle. I didn't want to stay...All I wanted was the hour and a half to simply stare into the bay. I would have kept staring at it all day. I instead walked around downtown, looking into unique stores for clothes I couldn't afford and accessories I really didn't want. I came back to my hotel to rest...it's my vacation, I can do whatever I want. That night, I treated myself to one of the best dinners I have had in a really long time. The Metropolitan Grill offered me Prime Rib, a Baked Potato, and some damn good wine. For the first time ever doing dinner by myself in a fancy restaurant, it was well worth it. So tasty, so relaxed and overall, delightful. I then went to the O Lounge to meet back up with Chad (considering about 20 minutes after I left his store, someone got shot and killed outside of his store, he needed to start drinking as quickly as possible). After drinking some gin and tonics and dancing to 80's music, we finally left. Chad and I decided that doing breakfast on Sunday was the best option considering we didn't really get to talk on Saturday night. After what seemed like a long cab ride home (I've gotten really good at hailing them this trip), I finally made it back to the hotel, with the hopes of seeing Chad in the morning.

Then Sunday came and I flew home. With no breakfast with Chad (I think he was recovering from the night before), I got to the Seattle Airport and just people-watched. The clouds of Seattle saw me out just like they had seen me in. And while I decided that living in Seattle isn't for me right now, what I realized is so many things on this trip. I re-evaluated my values, I saw what I once had was beautiful and that it can be recreated the moment people I love and who love me sit down, and realized that the choices I have made in the last couple of months are what is best for me. I gave myself the space to simply be me, to hear from the Trinity and to enjoy the space again.

I'm grateful to be back, to realize that I need more times like this with people I love and with myself. Maybe Tiff and I can meet somewhere for a long weekend...that would be amazing. But overall, the last 4 days were amazing, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

PS-If you click on the picture, you can see the rest of my pictures from the trip.