my latest song

In the events of my iPod crashing this summer, I lost all of my Counting Crows live cds.

Which wouldn't be a problem, except that I have no idea of where they are.

So I pulled out my old Counting Crows cds to listen to one my favorite songs ever written...Anna Begins.

Here are the lyrics:

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned.
My friend implores me, "For one time only,make an exception." I am not worried.
Wrap her up in a package of lies,
Send her off to a coconut island.
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions.
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
We're always changing...
It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Or something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences.
"But she can't stop shaking and I can't stop touching her and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away.
And Anna begins to change her mind.
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says.
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
But I'm not gonna break and I'm not gonna worry about it anymore.
I'm not gonna bend, and I'm not gonna break.
And I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.
But then I start to think about the consequences,
And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away.
And Anna begins to change my mind.
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
She's talking in her sleep.
It's keeping me awake. And Anna begins to toss and turn.
And every word is nonsense but I understand and,
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.
Her kindness bangs a gong,
It's moving me along.
And Anna begins to fade away.
It's chasing me away. She disappears, and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.

I think the reason I keep playing this on repeat has nothing to do with the fact that my soul is distressed (which is typically the reason I play Counting Crows on repeat), but has everything to do with 9th line in this song (actually, the 9th, 10th, and 11th lines).

I was reflecting over my last year, trying to piece together the parts where I'm still feeling the pain, the sadness, the anger, the frustration of the last year. Trying to reframe my story in light of all that happened...

It does not bother me to say this isn't love.
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love.
And I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.

Trying to redefine love in light of the last year makes it hard to actually love. Is it true, honest, beautiful or something that isn't spoken about in the light of day? Is it hidden from everyone except a few or given to every person, place and thing? When people hide from love, or abuse it to get what they want or need, the person hurt realizes that trying to love again is sometimes too painful...and I don't know if I want to live with that.

So, as I enter the last 54 days of the year, I'll try to move past the last year and move towards a future that looks different than I imagined and attempt to love in ways that I can only begin to dream of...because I can't let the last year continue to prevent me from moving forward.