things needed...a pause button

There are 210 days left until it happens. It...the dreaded 30th birthday.

Here's the thing: I wish that I could pause my life like I do often on my tivo. I am so nervous about my 30th. Where I thought I would be and were I am are on such different planes, I often think they are traveling to Tokyo and Nairobi at the same time.

And I don't want to have a pity party, but it's true. Turning 30 might be in the 10 list of my greatest fears, only behind abandonment and loose teeth. I remember distinctly what I said my freshman year of college as to where I would be at 25. And obviously, that didn't happen. Yes, I did survive the "failure" of dreams then, so perhaps this is survivable too.

But what do you do? When you are facing a milestone, in a year that could easily be one of the worst? What do you do when you are laying on the floor of your living room, questioning what was and what is and what will be? Do you simply rely on the present, remembering that your feet are firmly on the floor or pine away for the future?

And while the 210 days slowly tick away, I begin to think of all that is yet to be accomplished and how to delight in what I have done, where I am, and who I am. But, and if I am honest with you dear Internet, the joy is short in comparison with the long list of things I should have accomplished by now.

That's why I wish my life came with a pause button. I want to stop now, accomplish what I want and continue on before 30. I want to rewind and relive the highs and fast forward the lows. I want to cherish the laughter, the tears, the growth with a slow motion button and at the end of it all, I want to save it so I can watch it again later.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work like tivo. And until I figure out a way to have my cake and eat it to, I'll look toward the 30th birthday with a bit of fear and a sense of what if.