Just an FYI...

Until further notice, anonymous comments will be turned off...

Sorry my anonymous friends...I would like to know who you are so I can say thank you...

I think I need a sunrise

Boston (here it here)
In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...
Oh dear,
you look so lost,
Your eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.
Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,
You don't know me,
And you don't even care,
oh yeah,
Well you said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains,
oh yeah.
She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
Oh yeah well
I think I'll go to Boston. I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise,
I'm tired of Sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.
You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
Boston, where no one knows my name,
Where no one knows my name
Where no one knows my name, yeah.
Boston, where no one knows my name.
Thank you Augustana for writing the lyrics to my heart right now...

I realize this will be a mindless post

and I'm okay with that...

I'm addicted to myspace.

It started off slowly...adding a friend here, adding a friend there. However, it's become a full blown addiction.

Case in point, I found my prom date on there today...He lives in Denver. RANDOM!! He was a sophomore, I was a senior....it was actually a good time.

I almost wish I could stop...almost.

I need your grace, to remind me to find my own....

** a caveat to this post: I just helped make one of the toughest decisions I've ever had to make and I feel shame, guilt, responsibility and ultimately in need of grace. That is where this is coming...from a place where only the tears streaming down my face know how to reach....please read the following as a message to myself and to the people I've invested the last year with. Should you need clarification, please email me. If you need to state your judgment, currently I'm not accepting those emails. Please check back later. -- end of caveat

*******************************

I just need to say is I'm sorry...I didn't know what else to say, how else to defend, what else to do. I really just need someone to say this isn't going to end everything I've established in the last year....

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
By Snow Patrol

Damn you Tina Fey

For leaving SNL


This new show you are in that's coming out in the fall better be damn good....

Well, of course the burden is light...

Last night after Beth Anne and I went to dinner, we were driving on Colfax and we passed a group of people. The guy in the front of the group was carrying a cross. Carrying might be an overstatement, considering the fact the cross had a wheel. Well, hell....No wonder the burden is light, you gotta wheel helping you. Come on man....


In other news, I plan on taking 2 naps today. I went to a public pool, and I need to finish cleaning my apartment.

And you need to go the Keg Restaurant (not only because it's named after me). They gave BA and I a free shrimp cocktail...well hell, if you are going to give me free food, I will go back.

it's the little things that I miss...

A few co-workers and I went out for happy hour tonight. As Katie and I waited for the boys to arrive, 2 guys made their way towards us...Blaine and Kelly. It wasn't anything special, however, it was ironic that they ended up sitting next to us at dinner and they got incorporated into our table (and I think a business deal happened).

Besides the point...the point of this blog is that I miss the little things in life...here are just a few...
Being hit on at a bar.
Going to a bar with the potential to be hit on.
A really good laugh.
Spending hours driving between my house in Leawood and her house in Lee's Summit just so we could hang out.
Sitting to discuss real life with her
a really good pedicure
a warm hug
that kiss that makes you remember why you love physical touch
an encouraging word


My therapist is attempting to teach me how to really love myself well (if you have a question regarding why I am in therapy, see the past year's posts, otherwise, email me or keep your mouth shut...I don't want to hear your theology on it). Maybe tonight was a way to love myself well...not that anything happened, nor do I believe that Blaine will call, but I need to remember that I am worth it for some guy...but I could really go for that kiss. ;o)

Just something fun...

I bought football tickets today. To the Colorado vs. Kansas State game. And. I. cannot. wait. I feel as giddy as I did in college when I had the chance to buy football tickets.

My parents are coming in from Kansas City to go with us to the game. In November. I'm really looking forward to it. It feels like it something I need to do in order to love me well.

In other news, we are going camping here this weekend

Yes, it is in Colorado, about 4 hours away, near Aspen. And every picture I've seen looks exactly as beautiful as this.

There will be pictures up on Sunday when I get back.

Today the music died (and so did my phone)

As I was driving to pick up some medical records, I plugged in my iPod. As I drove down Colorado Blvd, stuck in traffic, something interesting started happening. My iPod started skipping songs. It would play 20 seconds and then skip to the next. It would play one whole song and then skip 3 songs after that.

I've attempted to reset to factory setting, I've pressed the center button until I was blue in the face...nothing is working. I believe, dear friends, today is the day the music died. I don't know what I am going to do without my iPod. 1,344 songs, trapped on a machine that I can't play. What the hell am I going to do on my drive to the mountains this weekend. How will sleep while I am camping? I'm sad and distraught, and I'm hoping my friend Jim (who works at the apple store) might be able to help. Otherwise, I'm going to have to wait until I have more money to buy a new one.

A moment of silence please....

The other tragic news is my phone died. It keeps turning itself off. When I took it to Sprint today, they couldn't reproduce the problem. However, once I got the phone back, I could (while in the store), so Sprint is replacing my phone with a pretty ghetto phone.




But again, come December, I can get a pretty sweet phone...

Here's to my life being disconnected!

I kinda wish I had paid better attention

This is Fabio Cannavaro, the captian of the Italian Soccer team...oh holy hell...I wish I would have paid better attention...he's beautiful. He is the reason to watch soccer and reminds me why I always fell for all the soccer boys in high school...

to be moved...

Lately, I've been moved by music, which isn't a shock considering that God typically speaks to me through media. I downloaded these songs and I can't get them out of my head.

One of the songs, a song by The Fray (a Denver band), has brought me to tears. When I finally sat down to listen to the words, I was struck by what they actually had to say:

How to Save a Life...
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

What's unique to me in this song is the sense of "I get it". I've lost too many friends along the way due to decisions that I have made. These choices were right for me...I'm sorry you felt like I chose something other than our friendship, but you choosing out of it hasn't been easy either. These choices were ultimately right for me but not for the friendship I was in at the time. Perhaps I'll never know how the other person felt in the process of me choosing, but I would have stayed up all night had I know how to save a life.

The other song that I can't quit playing on repeat is by Fiona Apple.

Oh Well...
What you did to me made me
See myself something different
Though I try to talk sense to myself
But I just won't listen
Won't you go away
Turned yourself in
You're no good at confession
Before the image that you burned me in
Tries to teach you a lesson
What you did to me made me see myself somethin' awful
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled
It took me such a long time to get back up the first time you did it
I spent all I had to get it back, and now it seems I've been outbidded
My peace and quiet was stolen from me
When I was looking with calm affection
You were searching out my imperfections
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk
When I was just about settled
And when it counts you recoil
With a cryptic word and leave a love belittled
Oh what a cold and common old way to go
I was feeding on the need for you to know me
Devastated at the rate you fell below me
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody
Who doesn't believe in the stuff
Oh, well

What I believe to be true about me is that I deeply believe in relationships. Perhaps there is some codependence there, but to my core, it's all about relationships. They transform you in the way they rub up against you, the way they push you to reconsider life, the way they help you see the life. While everyone may not agree that it's all about the relationships you have in your life, I fully believe that in the end, it's the Ultimate relationship with the Other that moves you towards love. My relational world here in Denver these days relies on 4 people who pursue me on a regular basis. My love for them has gotten me through the last year...if it wasn't for them, I would have checked myself into a mental hospital. However, for the rest of the people in my life who have made it hard for me to connect...oh well...there is so much to say and not say and for now, I'll stay in my apartment remembering that there are people who do believe in the stuff and for them, I'm willing to go all the way.

deep breath in, deep breath out...

I've always loved the smell of rain. Something so distinctive about it...growing up in Kansas, you could always count on a couple of really good summer storms and the sound of the rain beating against my window was reassuring at some level. Every summer I was involved with Icthus at Colonial, we could count on having to fly home because of the horrible summer storms.

I'm sitting next to my window, listening to rain fall here in Denver. It's a little different. The intensity that could be isn't there. It's softly falling, consistent and probably in 15 minutes, it will be done.

I fell like the rain is consistent of who I am these days too...I'm a little disruptive, a little commanding, and a little out of place. I'm feeling it in every area. I went to see The Devil Wears Prada today, and it struck a cord in me. One area was my job...I've realized that my job isn't where I'm suppose to be. I love to travel, I love to visit places I've never been. Currently my job doesn't provide that opportunity. I've been blinded by own lack of desires recently...I've become complacent.

So, I'm taking little steps to remember how to love myself. I purchased this amazing photo this week and I'm willing to discover what it means to me. I will continue to choose relationships that continue to choose me, and I will continue to be like the rain. Refreshing, unexpected, ever-changing.

a shock, I know...

I work in a part of Denver called Cherry Creek. For me, it's the pretentious, yuppies who are trying to prove to each other that they matter more. We have an arts festival every year that encompasses all of Cherry Creek.

So, instead of attempting to drive today, I took the bus...for the first time ever. I never took it in Chicago, I couldn't understand it. However, Denver's (at least my little part of it) is pretty damn easy.

But I won't lie, it stressed me out like crazy this morning. Here's no shocker, I like to be in control (ultimately, it deals with a greater part of my story, but for a different post). Being on the bus this morning was a lack of control. I couldn't figure out when it would be here (exactly), I couldn't initially figure out where I was suppose to stand...but I did figure it out, and I really enjoyed it. In fact, I'm wondering if it would be good for my soul to do it more often...but something to consider later.

Kelly is still here...a BBQ tonight, the pool, dinner with BA, Sara, and David tomorrow....dancing at Mynt, and then she leaves...and I know in the midst of all of it, good, deep conversations will occur and that's what I need right now.

PS-I love him, I do

revolution...

Revolution defined as: "A sudden or momentous change in a situation". I feel like my last few weeks, months have been leading me up to this.

A momentous change in a situation. I'm taking control of my relational world (or the lack there of on a scale that I know it to be). It's not what it was, it may never be again, but I know that what I have is what I need. Granted there are a few relationships in the recent weeks that have left me abandoned, hurt, crushed, but until there is movement, I will continue in my momentous change.

What does that mean? Little things like internet in my house, iTunes on all the time, less tv, more im's. Running a 5-k in September for AIDS. Seeing and spending time with Kelly this weekend, choosing eHarmony since I can't meet men at the bars (and perhaps it isn't can't as much as I don't want to). Laughing more, crying more, confiding in Sara more...choosing relationships that move me towards transforming. Reading on how to incorporate psychology and theology. Remembering that I did go to seminary for a reason..

So, who knows where this revolution will lead me...but it started with Tiff being here and will be propelled by Kelly being here and eventually devoting more to the people who want me to simply be me...

One year later...

Oh holy hell, I've been here one year...

And to be honest, if you couldn't tell based upon the posts of the last year, it hasn't been easy or fun. Don't get me wrong, I love Denver, I love Sara and David, Vivian and the small portion of community I have experienced. But overall, this year has been hellish.

And what made me realize I had been here a year wasn't some grand moment in time...I was walking to my last small group and ran into Shawn...oh Shawn...Shawn is my neighbor and the neighbor I made out with the first month I was here. I met Shawn the first night I was here because all my neighbors were sitting out on the porch drinking a beer. I don't know...so don't bother asking. It was seeing him as I walked down Pennsylvania that I realized I had been here a year.

Painful, not running into him, but just the year that has been. While the moments of pure joy seem distant, I know they are there and I know I am committed to seeing what type of community I can be a part of here. But the moments of loneliness seem to be running through my head right now...perhaps that is more due to the fact that I was in therapy last night and he said somethings that stung.

So, one year down in Colorado...I'm officially a native (weird, I know).

In other news, Tiffany was here last weekend and it was so refreshing to my soul. To have her here and experience what life is like to me, that was amazing. To have Sara, Maria and Beth spend time with her and get to know her, beautiful. I love her more and more and I realized how much I do miss her...she is an amazing woman. So thank you for coming...that weekend alone did more for my soul than anything I could have needed in my life.

a weekend that was, in fact, community...

I looked across my front porch Friday night and realized that this was the most community I had felt here in a long time. Sara, Hayden, Viv, Beth Anne, Sheralee, Maria D., Maria G., and Jared had all come over to grill. We sat around, laughing talking and just simply being. It was all the community I had hoped for when I first moved here one year ago and finally I had it.

Saturday was spent seeing a movie and going to see Second City. A good laugh and alone time, both beautiful for my soul. Spending time with people, Viv, Maria G., and Maria D., was great simply because there was no expectation of what would happen...except a good time.

Sunday we were invited to the Warwick to enjoy their roof top pool. Imagine 4 working professionals acting like 10 year olds. Marco Polo, seeing who could hold their breath the longest, somersaults...it was awesome. Again, community at its finest.

One thing I'm beginning to realize is that my community is really decent. I have Sara and David who love me deeply and encourage me to be me. Vivian has known my story for 4 years and we often have the exact same thought process. Jared, a brother in hiding, who can finish my sentences and is a concert friend. Sheralee and Maria, who are beautiful women in my life who continue to encourage and love me well. Beth Anne, who pursues me for random Liks runs and can go deep with me, shares equally, and loves to laugh with me...I have some decent aspects of community.

Perhaps, I won't ever be included with the popular kids (just like high school) and that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt less...it just means that the people I choose to spend time with bring me life and for that I am grateful.

And my community from afar is slowly joining me here...Tiffany this weekend, Kelly at the end of June, Christie in August...now if only Bri and Craig would get their tails out here, that would be awesome....

Because my friends are hilarious

My friends, Maria and Vivie wrote the story for me while I was missing in action from our daily email banter. Please enjoy.


Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Meghan. now Meghan was really special princess, and not just because her name was spelled with an "h”. she also had a very special gift and people from the entire kingdom would travel for days just to sit in her court. Her court had the best Jesters in kingdoms... And there was a very special Jester among them... Zachariah Braffsterlen. Now Zachariah Braffsterlen was not only the funniest Jester in all the world, he was also the most beautiful man for miles and miles! (to the chagrin of the prince of course. as Princess Meghan was betrothed to the Prince of Asternim, Prince Tucker.. (ps - chagrin - good word!) Prince Tucker, Lord of the Bow Tie, was well educated, a well off prince, a fine catch for any young princess, and yet Princess Meghan's affections were inexplicably tied to the lowly beautiful Jester. “But I'm a Princess!!! How am I attracted to the Jester?!" Those were the words that would go through Princess Meghan's mind all day...And she was very aware of her attempts to even fool herself - as attraction was to mild of a word... But how could she admit that she was in love?!?!? She knew she was supposed to be in love with Prince Tucker... yet she knew that she was only attracted to him. One morning, as Princess Meghan was contemplating this very conundrum, Jester Zachariah Braffsterlen arrived for a long day of court earlier than usual. It took every ounce of strength the Princess had to say "Good Morning" instead of "Hello my love.” The Jester was taken aback by the Princess address - he was not performing his entertainment duties and still she addressed him... Unbenowst (sp?) to the princess, deep down he was glad that she did - and unbenowst (sp?) to the jester, she saw the sparkle in his countenance. Their mutual attraction, or dare I say affection, was immediately irresistible and they were drawn to each other's arms like a fish to water. She could smell his scent... the scent that has nothing to do with perfumes and all to do with who he is - and she found herself home for the first time... no castle or summer palace could compare to being in his arms. Suddenly - just as Princess Meghan and Jester Zachariah Braffsterlen were becoming more comfortable on the journey of getting to know one another in the biblical sense, Prince Tucker walked into the court with a beautiful bouquet of Gerbera Daisies for the princess. He was aghast at what he found! "YOU ARE MY FIANCEE!!!!" He yelled at the top of his lung, "And he is nothing but a Jester!" Ears had never heard such scorn and contempt... He stormed out of the castle! Princess Meghan wrenched herself out of the arms of her beloved Jester and ran after him. She had to explain - as much as she loved Zachariah Braffsterlen she couldn't bear to see Prince Tucker in such pain. But Prince Tucker wouldn't have it... His honor was destroyed... He faced no choice... He had to face the Jester in a duel <> The local armsman - Sir Ted Nugent - ran to get a pair of dueling pistols. My oh my? What is going to happen - you'll find out, right after the break. Zachariah finds himself in a quandary - he's never held a gun before... His weapons of choice are his wit and his charisma... but how would he employ them in this scenario? It was determined by the crowd that gathered (every good duel needs a crowd) that Prince Tucker and the Jester would each choose a pistol, stand back to back, take 10 long strides, turn and shoot - whomever made it out alive would win Princess Meghan, who was understandably distraught over the entire proposition. Out of the woods came a mysterious stranger claiming to be the world famous funny-man Lord Paperseller. The key is in distraction he said quietly to Jester Zachariah. Use your wit and charisma to distract the Prince, then's the time to attack. Princess Meghan and Zachariah's eyes met - hers filled with tears, his filled with confusion and despair... Each man picked his pistol and as they stood back to back the Jester asked the Prince a question. Have you seen the one with the crab? Be careful out there...I peench. Prince Tucker knew exactly what he was talking about - and did his best to keep his composure...Zachariah knew that he had found his weakness - he likes funny jokes! With his new found confidence Zachariah began the long journey of 10 strides - all the while using his skills in joking to distract the Prince. The Prince on the other hand began to doubt himself - if he was so easily distracted, how was he going to win the Princess? Maid Gort and Maid Berrios-Torres (that's right, Princess Meghan's court was international) came to their Mistress side - full of confidence that the Jester already had the upperhand... Meanwhile, in the background, the Paperboy was cheering on the Jester, knowing that he couldn't stop Princess Meghan from her original true love... She only wanted her to be happy... Without warning Prince Tucker turned early and began firing! He wasn't about to let his true love get away that easily! "Hey, what did you do that for?" Zachariah exclaimed... the bullet only brushed his sleeve, damaging the shirt and not hurting him in a bit... Princess Meghan and Maid Gort and Maid Berrios-Torres could barely breathe! What was going to happen next? While Jester Zachariah was not injured he was infuriated! He too turned and began shooting - finding intense energy in his rage. He had no idea what he was doing - no control over his actions...Maid Mandy got hurt - but no one really cared... Both the Prince and the Jester ran out of bullets and a stifling silence settled on the clearing. Everyone wanted to know what had happened. <> The only audible force was the wind..."I don't want to do this anymore" said Zachariah..."Here, in front of everyone, I confess that I'm in love with you - from the first day I saw you... me riding the unicycle while juggling, you laughing so hard you started to cry... your eyes pierced me and I knew I would never be the same... And I know that you will never be mine, as I am a lowly Jester, and you are, well, a Princess..." In that moment Prince Tucker (who was still alive - neither man was a great shot) knew what he had to do. He slowly peeled himself off the cold damp grass - but no one noticed, all eyes were on Jester Zachariah. "I love you my Princess" he said "And that love drives me to let you go. If you choose me, you will make me the happiest man on the face of the earth. And - I want you to be happy, so the choice is yours my love." This is the moment she had been waiting for!!! She was about to announce her obvious choice, when all of the sudden..."As long as we're doing this... Princess Meghan, I'm in love with you as well... I know I can't control you or force you to chose me. But I needed you to know... If I can be one of your choices, then, I needed to give it a shot (no pun intended with the duel)" It was the Paperboy. Princess Meghan was floored and overwhelmed. This changed everything! Maid Gort reminded her of Maid Cooper's timeless bit of advice: "When you're wondering who you really love, ask yourself who you'd rather be standing outside your burning apartment with?" And in that moment Princess Meghan knew who it was she loved. Princess Meghan knew that all three men would hold her and comfort her in the event of a fire or other disaster. However, there was only one man who would make her laugh and move forward. Princess Meghan turns to the Paperboy..."Thank you so much for your words... I'm sorry I can't reciprocate this...""I chose you, Jester of my heart!" Prince Tucker was speechless. He got on his horse and rode into the sunset...The devastated Paperboy started to walk away as well. His heart was broken, yet he accepted his fate. "What about your honor? Your crown?" asked the Jester "I would renounce it all in a heartbeat just to be with you". Their first kiss was the most memorable kiss in the story of humanity...<>"What are you thinking about, honey?" asked Megs. "Are you daydreaming again?" Zach was caught! He knew he and his alterego J.D. drifted away every now and then, and he couldn't hide this from his wife of 10 years...He just smiled..."Honey, get ready!" said Zach, "We'll be late for our double date with Jim and Pam"

The End

because I want this to be true in my own life...

Our deepest fear is not

that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are

powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all to make manifest

the glory of Godthat is within us.

It's not just within some of us;

it's in everyone.

And as we let our light shine,

we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fears,

our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

This is the way to kick off summer...

On July 5th, my friend Jared and I are going to see Counting Crows (my favorite band of all time) and the Goo Goo Dolls in concert at Red Rocks.

Yeah, that's right, we'll be sitting in the 27th row...I can't wait to see my Adam up close and personal!!

For some reason, I expected this to be different

I don't get...I really don't. For me, self-confidence is something I've never had. I've never seen myself as attractive, beautiful, intelligent, funny, etc. I know so much of that has to do with the way I was raised and some of the verbal abuse I suffered. The lies that are in my head are often times violent and unforgivable and it's hard to remember that they are just lies.

Over the last 4 years, I've had someone there telling me it wasn't true. Actually I had a group of people helping me redefine everything and helping me realize what was true and reality. However, this week, that entire wall has crumbled. There aren't even pieces still standing. I feel ashamed, abandoned, alone in the same breath. I tear up every chance I get to think about what's really going on in my life right now...and to be honest, I don't feel like I have chance in hell to change it this time.

Shouldn't transformation be an opportunity for the lies to fully die, where they no longer can make you feel like an idiot, unwanted, a failure, a whale? Shouldn't the love of the Trinity be enough to be the truth you cling to?

Right now, I don't think it's possible and I can't decide if it's worth fighting for the truth...