My latest repeat song...

Due to circumstances beyond my control (and the fact that I am exhausted from being at the water park all day long...I know my life is hard), this is the song that is on repeat right now on my iPod...

A warning sign
I missed the good part then
I realized I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in, I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so
A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover
Come on in, I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
And the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is that I miss you so
And I'm tired
I should not have let you go
So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms.

I'm really excited this...

Last night Emily, Emily's friend Chad and I went to see Bewitched. Skip it...it's not necessary. Anyways, I saw a preview last night for a movie I'm super excited about. Please go and see the trailer. Yes, I know they cast most of the original cast (which are 10 years too old to play the parts) but I cannot wait to see it. I had chills the entire time watching it. It's going to be awesome!!

I'm currently working so I can't post much, but I'm doing decent. I'll hopefully be able to post soon (like tomorrow) but until then, I'm done with my first temp job and I'm still really excited about the job at DU...I'm calling them tomorrow to see if I can move it forward a little bit. Otherwise, I don't know what my plans are for the 4th (no Taste for me this year) and I'm really enjoy the second season on DVD of this show.

By the way, my web fortune cookie told me to remember 4th grade today...seriously, that's not a fortune. COME ON!

Remember why you are here

This is what my web fortune cookie told me today.

It couldn't be more appropriate for me to hear right now.

Things are going. Not extremely bad, nor are they out of the world, but they are going.

There are times when I am confused, times when I am scared, times when I realize what I am doing and need to stop. Shame is not as prevalent in my life as it once was, but there are moments when I am staring into the distance and Jared knows what I am thinking and what I need to hear in those moments.

I worked three days 9-6 and thought I was going to die. I applied for two jobs at the university of Denver today...I really want one of them.

So...Why am I here?

To grow

To be transformed

To be around a community of people who love me

To understand that my community in Chicago, Kansas City and around the world doesn't end because I have moved.

To simply just be.

To learn from the mistakes I make.

To make new mistakes and realize the growth I do have.

To reconnect with parts of my soul

And to find new parts as well.

But, there are times when I am lonely, scared, confused, happy, joyful and bewildered all at the same time.

And I have nothing to cling to but the Trinity, and that is making the world of difference.

I feel like it's my first day of school

I went to work today. Let me define what my "work" was and what my "work" is now.

It was:

• hanging out with students
• developing curriculum
• having one-on-ones with leaders
• playing gorilla/man/gun
• helping students realize that the love of trinity was in their life now and that love was what mattered most
• wearing jeans and t-shirts to work
• driving 30 minutes to work

It is:

• dressing in appropriate gear (i.e.: nice dress pants, dress shirt, heels)
• answering the telephone
• making real estate appointments
• getting yelled out by random realtors
• walking to the free ride, taking the free ride down the 16th street mall

Don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to dress up. I've realize recently that I want to dress like Carrie Bradshaw but I'm also comfortable in jeans and t-shirts (perhaps too comfortable because I've been wearing it since freshman year). So, I woke up at 6:45 this morning after not sleeping the night before. I took a shower, got ready, put on pantyhose (for you guys, putting on pantyhose is like hell for many women). I walked down to the mall, caught the bus (for free) and arrived earlier than I thought. I was at my work by 8 am and I didn't need to be there until 9. I stopped by and saw VBT in her element. I had coffee, and then went to work. Where I answered the phone all...day...long....

I'm making money, don't get me wrong, but still, come on! I went to lunch and then went back to work. I walked home, and got home at 6:30 pm. Made dinner and came to the Perk for use of the internet.

I love the perk, it is my central perk like friends. Except I don't have 5 friends who meet me here on a regular basis. I've met the girl who works behind the counter (hi Monica) and I like being here. It feels like my 3rd home ( for all of you who knows Starbucks or who have worked at Starbucks you know what I mean).

So, answering the phone for the next week is the plan until the 29th. I think dancing and karoke is in the plans for the weekend. We'll see if it is as eventful as it was last weekend.

not a guilt trip

please read this as an honest post, not a guilt trip.

I need to hear a familiar voice. I want Leah or Craig or Cookie or Toni or Mike to call. I want to laugh and cry and simply be known in a new town. I want the people at the Penn Street Perk to know me and my drink. I want my small group to walk through the door (as Cari pointed out, yes they out number me 3 to 1 and it was a fabulous small group) and I want us to laugh and fall asleep in each others arms as Andy suggested.

Radius is on a whitewater rafting getaway this weekend and while I'm excited to be alone, I wish someone would call me just to say hi. Because to be honest, I miss everyone in Chicago.

I know I could/should (damn shame) call them, but part of my being known and love is that I need to be validated (plus, who is really home on a Friday night).

I'm here!!

Well, I'm sitting in the Penn Street Perk, pimping their internet because I don't have internet in my house. I also don't have cable. Yet...I need to first get a job and make some money, so hopefully I can get cable and internet in time for my summer addictions (like this show, or this show). But, I'm settling in well. Radius was amazing, helping me move in, cleaning my bathroom, setting up my bedroom, and making me feel welcomed. It was great (and fast). Jared came over later that night and we sat out on my porch, drinking a beer and hanging with my wonderful neighbors. It's true, I do have wonderful, fabulous neighbors!

I ran around all day yesterday, getting my drivers license, my emissions test, my VIN verification, my license plates. I was exhausted. Then a trip to Target was necessary, but because I live in the city, Targets (and Wal-Marts) are no where to be found without a 20 minute trip. My apartment is coming together slowly. I just need to get my futon back from VBT. Then I could actually watch movies on my couch and not my Ravina chair.

I have a meeting this afternoon with a temp agency, so hopefully I can start a job by Monday (though I would like to start in a week...you know to give myself some space). I need to process the last three weeks and how overwhelming they were. I want to walk around and figure out where I live. I need to find my supermarket. I just hasn't hit me yet that this is my new place...but I am loving it so far.

just a quick update from the road...

my small group retreat...AMAZING...

my graduation...less tweaking (theologically speaking) than I thought it would be...

I'm in Manhattan, on my way to Denver tomorrow...more (blogging and pics -- I'm becoming a pro on Flickr next week) when I get to Denver!!

racers take your mark...

Today I leave for Lake Geneva with my small group from the past three years for one last party...to have closure...to play some mean sand volleyball, with prophetic feelings of course...to simply breathe with these 7 people I cannot imagine my life without.

I get back on Thursday. I'll need to put the finishing touches on my paper, get my tires rotated and balanced, get some cleaning supplies, get my car washed, finish packing, pack for graduation...and that's all on Thursday.

I leave Friday morning at 6:15 with the Millers to drive to St. Paul. Perhaps I'll have some time to myself in my room to take a nap. Communion that night, dinner with the parents, graduation on Saturday, party Saturday night, return to Chicago on Sunday.

Load the van on Monday, probably now leave on Monday. Drive to Des Moines. Drive to Manhattan (Kansas) on Tuesday. Drive to Denver by Wednesday. Unload. Transfer my DL, registration on my car, and change my phone number on Thursday. Unpack fully by Friday. Take my parents to the airport on Saturday. Breakdown Saturday afternoon into Sunday (seriously, it's on the calendar).

So, if I don't post, please see above reasons. If I crash and burn sooner, please see above reasons. But until I post again, please see what my beautiful web fortune cookie said today:

You aspire to be a Viking.

untitled one...

I've walked through these halls multiple times
Past these doors on an almost daily basis for the last 36 months
Except this time, it's different

This is the last time I walk into 106 for a leaders meeting
It's the last time I'll walk into the lakeside as a member of axis

I started here 36 months ago
slightly scared
overly confident
simply looking for a place to call my own.

And I found it.

But like any family
We've had our ups and downs
I've loved it, I've wanted to tear it down, and yet
I've found the middle ground

Tonight, this place seems slightly distant and less like the home I've known
Perhaps this is a sign that I'm ready to leave
(of course, the apartment and the job mean I'm ready to leave too).

All I know is that I'm grateful to have found you and
no matter what people will say
I appreciate this place for all it has given to me.
The friends who I never imagined I would know...
The ability to fail successfully...
the chance to grow...

good bye you beast of a building...
I think there is a little bit of me that will miss you

breakdown...

I hope this old train breaks down then I could take a walk around
See what there is to see, time is just a melody
With all the people in the street walking fast as their feet
Can take them, I just roll through town
And though my windows got a view, well the frame Im looking through
Seems to have no concern for now
So for now I I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please just breakdown
Well this engine screams out loud, centipede going to crawl westbound
So I dont even make a sound cause its going to sting me when I leave this town
And all the people in the street that Ill never get to meet
If these tracks dont bend somehow
And I got no time that I got to get to where I dont need to be
So I I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please just breakdown I want to break on down
But I cant stop now Let me break on down
But you cant stop nothing if you got no control
Of the thoughts in your mind that you kept and you know
That you dont know nothing but you dont need to know
The wisdoms in the trees not the glass windows
You cant stop wishing if you dont let go
Of the things that you find and you lose and you know
You keep on rolling, put the moment on hold
Because the frames too bright, so put the blinds down low
I need this here old train to breakdown
Oh please just let me please just breakdown I got to break on down
But I cant stop now ~ from Jack Johnson latest CD

seriously...I need a breakdown

it finally got one right...

Today's web fortune cookie says the following:

You need a new environment - go on a vacation.

YES I DO! Thank God that i am going to Denver on Saturday (I also thank God for model trains)..think good thoughts as I try to find an apartment...I'm looking for either a one bedroom or two...

FIVE WHOLE DAYS IN MY NEW TOWN. I can't wait.

These are the reasons I will always love Chicago...

(in no certain order...)

• Willow Creek
• Indiana Dunes
• Flat Top Grill
• The Cubs
• Wrigleyville
• The Metra
• The "EL"
• Kane Count Flea Market
• The Skyline
• the Music Scene
• the Theater Selection (and I don't mean AMC)
• Taste of Chicago
• July 3rd Fireworks
• Lake Geneva
• Second City
• 24 Hour Starbucks
• Long Grove
• Penny's Noodle Shop
• Waxman Candles
• Meijer
• Strange Cargo
• The Bar Celona
• Erik and Kathy on the Mix
• Emmetts
• Oprah (not that I ever went, but knowing she was that close felt good)
• July 4th in the City
• Christmas on State Street
• Barrington and Arlington Heights Downtown areas
• Craig, Andy, Scott, Toby, Erik, Tobias, Ryan, Sheryl, Cookie, Summit, and all my friends who made Chicago the best possible place

Thanks...

These two girls have made doing ministry at Willow fun...thanks ladies! I love you both so much! Please come and visit any time!!

distracting

I had a friend call something out today...something I owned up for crossing a boundary. And now, it keeps running through my head...how disappointed I am in the fact that I let him down...something to work through obviously, but right now as I try to finish up a paper, it is keeping me distracted...the shame especially is hindering my work.

dang it!

14:12

So, it was a very event-filled weekend. But in order to understand the weekend, you must begin to understand the week that was before it. Last week was the week that began Cryfest 2005. Official grieving has begun. Wednesday night we (the interns who are graduating) were honored at New Community. Thursday night the graduating interns tried to give our testimony in 3 minutes or less of what has happened in us and through us in the last 3 years. Very daunting, but good. Friday morning was my last small group experience and I have never ever experienced anything like it before. It was beautiful, sad, and hard all at the same time. I love those boys...they have changed my life. As I described it to Sheryl, it doesn't suck, it just is painful. Friday night I had a huddle and then Viv, Kristen, David, Jason, and myself went dancing. It was a blast! Got home at 3:30 am, showered, and took a two hour nap. I had to get up at 6:30 because of the yard sale. We got rid of so much junk and made lots of money in the process (yahoo! I made enough to make a dent in the registration of my car). Had my last one on one with Sheryl and bawled my eyes out. Finished up the yard sale, went home, laid on my couch for 20 minutes, showered and hung out with Kochie and Kreg. Sunday got up, went back to the yard sale, and this is where the fun begins. Jen was selling a pink wig, DW was selling a basketball and some sport goggles. I was challenged to dribble the ball for 15 minutes (without double-dribbling) and I would be given the basketball and the goggles. So I put on the wig, the goggles and started dribbling. I walked up and down the street and at 14:12 I double-dribbled and it was done.



Finished the yard sale officially, went home, showered, made a corn casserole, and went to Axis. Does this feel like a ton to you? IT SHOULD BECAUSE IT WAS!! I feel like I'm running at 100 mph and it won't stop. But I am leaving for Denver on Saturday...and hopefully will have some interviews and an apartment by the time I come back. I'm ready to crash and be in Denver. I'm ready to be done with school (I should be working on a 3000 word paper right now)...I'm ready to relax....

the most important people in my life

I love these people more than life itself right now....and I can't imagine doing life without them. Thank you Sheryl, Ryan, Erik, Toby, Tobias, Scott and Andy for making these three years the best. I love you all...

OH MY GOSH!!

So, if for some reason you have been asleep the last 9 months, I attend a Baptist Seminary. Granted it is over the internet a majority of the time, I still had to sign a lifestyle statement saying I wouldn't drink, do drugs, etc...

Well, on June 10th our seminary is having a bbq for the graduating seniors. And someone typed the following on the evite (which by the way is the best site for planning a party):

madste
is it bring your own beer?

I don't know who this is, but man, do they have chutzpah!

Thanks for putting the idea out there, but I doubt it is BYOB.

A Name Change will be Necessary

So, I can't continue using the name of this blog in about a month. I won't be doing life in the Windy City, so I am taking suggestions....Let me know what you think!

A quote out of context...

Best Imitation of Myself...

thoughts from my head alone

Rocky Mountain Highs and Lows

I'm sure I'll come up with more, but this is just a start...

Redemption...

See NBC...Fox understands the importance of good shows, why can't you?

Thanks Fox for bringing back Arrested Development back next season...

my friend* seth

my friend* seth
Originally uploaded by mes9193.

taken at my friend Kristen's going away party...he taught me how to tie a tie...sort of