I feel really lucky

At the beginning of the year, my friends E, J and I sat around my dining room table and dreamed. We dreamed for what we wanted out of this year. I sat with a white poster board and a stack of magazines.

This is what I have hanging in my bedroom, on the wall so it's the first thing I see when I get up and what I stare at while deciding what to wear for the day. Overall, I wanted a new me. I wanted a new job, I wanted to be healthier, I wanted to camp, I wanted a vacation, I wanted to restore my balance.

Here we are over 6 months through the year. I have an amazing new job, that I am realizing more and more that I love. I am getting healthier. I go to the gym 5 days a week. I went on an amazing vacation. I wanted to grow in my self-confidence and I wanted to believe in myself. I am beginning to feel more and more balanced.

Except in one area.

The entire upper left hand corner of my vision board is about love. About falling in love, about marriage, about finding someone to do this journey with. I'm not going to lie, for the first time in a long time, I went on a date (that's not news, I've been dating a lot in the last 2 years) and I walked away from the date thinking to myself that I'm really happy being single and that if I find someone, I'd like him to fit into my life easily and me into his.

So maybe this year was more for me to focus on my career, my health, my general well-being. Maybe all that needed to fall into place before I could focus on love.

And truthfully, now that everything else appears to be in place, I'm ready for the next step. We'll see what happens during this last part of the year.

Times, they are a changin'

Perhaps I should catch the few readers still on here up on what's happening.

At the end of February, my intuition was proven right. I was laid off...again.

Not going to lie, I fully expected the company to go under in just six weeks. (Un)Fortunately, it is still going strong. So, I interviewed, I waited, and finally, after just two months, I accepted a new position. With a different catering company, where I would be doing more operational things for events. I saw it as an opportunity to grow.

Unfortunately, it has not been the best choice. I didn't realize I'd be sacrificing my weekends, my soul for something I wasn't 100% about.

And then things changed.

And I would like to call it divine.

I was approached by a NPO to come on their staff. They approached me with an opportunity of a lifetime. That after all the time I've put in the last two years, finally, I am making the transition towards what I want to be doing long term.

So, after only two months, I've put in my two weeks noticed. And I'm super excited about what's ahead of me. But that's not the only thing that's changed.

I found a rhythm at the gym. I do zumba...and the elliptical...and weights. I'm noticing the change in my body. I'm starting to lose weight (I am currently down 15 pounds since starting at the end of April) and find some confidence that has been tucked far away.

So, while I may not be blogging, I'm still here. Making transitions, being content and really excited about what's next.

Fearful

I am almost always stressed out. Life, in general stresses me out. In recent years, this has been attributed to my job. In 2009, in case your memory has failed you, I lost my well-paying, high-stressed job. In reflection, it was a blessing; in the moment, it was stirring up every possible fear about myself. And that entire year, I considered myself a failure.

I did get a job towards the end of the year. I took the job because it was something I was interested in, but not something I was passionate about. Some days, I know I took this job to take a job. Being unemployed for 11 months will do that to you.

However, due to some recent events, I am now fearful again of losing my job. I'm hoping by saying out loud that I don't want to lose my job will, somehow, make it true. I am good at my job. I've been very successful at my job. However, doing my line of work, in the industry I am in, is one where people see it as an extra, not a necessity. Mentally, emotionally, financially, I can't afford to lose my job.

So, universe, I'm putting it out there...either help me with this one or find me a new one...I can't keep living in fear.

What made my night

@denverpost posted this tonight:
George Karl still believes Carmelo Anthony will be with the #Nuggets all season: http://dpo.st/fTp0J3 #Melo

How I responded:
@denverpost and I still believe that the Tooth Fairy rides a Pegasus and lives with the Keebler Elves. #CarmeloAnthony #Nuggets #Nets

And here's what they said back:
That made us laugh :-)

It wasn't much, but in light of everything that is happening right now, it made my night.

So, it's the end of the year

I was driving a friend home last night, and I asked her what she was doing for NYE. She mentioned that she was probably going to the mountains and doing a ritual she created last year. She was going to reflect on the year past, and be intentional about what she wanted, what she needed for the upcoming year. While I was already planning on creating a vision board for 2011, being intentional about what I want hadn't really entered my mind.

It's not a lie to think that 2010 was better than 2009. I mean, really, anything was better than 2009. But I know that 2011 is going to be better. I feel it. I know that it will be a big year. That doesn't mean it won't have its heartbreaks, its own frustrations, its own losses. I am aware of that because 2010 had them. I mean, I have 2 friends acquaintances who owe me money from therapy. They hurt me and they hurt me bad, but let's be honest, that's not the point of this post.

So, I'm working on categories to work through, to be intentional about. Finances, Family, Friends, Health, Relationships, Work, Home. Is there something else I am forgetting? I'll try to post about how this goes.

Things that have given me hope over the last few days...

Why regardless is a powerful word (From Jeffery Platts)
◦Regardless of the dumb thing you just blurted out, it doesn’t mean the entire conversation needs to suck.
◦Regardless of what job you might have, the clothes you wear or the car you drive, your soulmate is not going to give a shit about any of that.
◦Regardless of the how ugly you might feel some days, there are at least 7 people who saw you and thought that you were hot.
◦Regardless of how long you’ve been single, you can trust that divine and perfect timing has got your back.
◦Regardless of how much debt you might have, your true worth is not in your bank account.
◦Regardless of the donut you just ate, you can always eat an apple next time.
◦Regardless of what the national or global economy is, your personal economy does not have to follow the same path.
◦Regardless of whether the person said or forgot to say, you don’t have to look for reasons to be offended.
◦Regardless of how unimportant you might feel, you always have an impact; the Universe would not have put you here if you weren’t important.
◦Regardless of whether one particular date goes well, finding a loving, sexy, soul-level connection with your ideal partner is inevitable.
◦Regardless of your circumstances, you have the resourcefulness to change things for the better.
◦Regardless of what someone says about you, your own opinion of yourself trumps all others.
◦Regardless of the cold and rainy day, you don’t need to be in a low mood.
◦Regardless of what you are currently feeling, all emotions are temporary.
◦Regardless of how much you weigh or how ill you may feel, health and vitality are possible.
◦Regardless of how alone you may feel, others really do care about you.
◦Regardless of how your parents treated you, you can thrive in this life.
◦Regardless of how long you’ve been feeling lost and confused, clarity is just around the corner.
◦Regardless of how perfect someone else’s life may seem, they have insecurities and challenges just like you.
◦Regardless how how much “baggage” you think you might have, you are loveable JUST AS YOU ARE.
◦Regardless of how many times you’ve tried and failed, if you’re still breathing, you can keep going.
◦Regardless of how many closed doors you’ve encountered, there is always another one that CAN be opened.
◦Regardless how much you’ve been hurt in the past, you can still choose to live with an open heart.
◦Regardless of what teachers, parents, friends or your own mind may tell you, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

a declaration of deserving (from the White Hot Truth):
You are worthy of your desires. Really wanting what you want gives you the power to get it. You were born free. (The more you try to earn your freedom, the more trapped you become.) You are worthy of love and respect. Lovable.

You deserve
: eye contact
: smiles in the morning
: food made with pure intention
: clean drinking water, fresh air
: Hello, Please, Thank you.
: time to think about it
: a chance to show them what you're made of
: a second chance
: an education
: health care, including dental
: multiple orgasms
: weekends and the summer off
: 8 hours of sleep
: play before work
: to change your mind
: to say no
: to say yes
: to have your deepest needs met
: to be seen
: to be loved for what is seen.

You deserve all this just because you showed up.
Yep, you're that monumental.

According to Bell Biv Devoe, I should not be trusted

Recently, Marie Claire gave the okay to publish a blog entitled "Should fatties get a room?". The author mentioned that watching 2 overweight people kiss gives her the shivers and that they should not find love or for that matter, make love.

I won't lie and most of my readers know this about me anyways. I have struggled with my weight since I was in middle school. I have never been skinny. And living in a part of Kansas City where perfection was expected was hard. I lived in a real Beverly Hills, 90120. My clothing has always been in the double digits. My lowest weight wasn't due to healthy eating and exercise. It was due to being on fen-phen. I eat when I am sad, when I am lonely, when I am upset. I know that I am an emotional eater. I also know that I love a good cheeseburger.

It was last year, when in the midst of losing my job and gaining about 15 pounds that I finally started to give myself grace. I liked myself. I have curves, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them very good. And it took one comment from someone I love to take that all away. All the forward progression I had made was now in one giant leap backwards because I wasn't thin enough for their expectations.

People like the author of the Marie Claire article think that they can get away with bullying. That these are just sentences in a blog that no one will really pay attention to. Unfortunately for Ms. Kelly, she is now in heated waters over bullying a majority of the population. She's probably right in her "apology" that she wrote this piece out of a place of hatred that she towards her own body. However, while a society continues to deem that you be "perfect" and "skinny", her article only continues to fuel the fire of poor self-image amongst our population.

Take it from me. I know what it's like to have a poor self-image. I'm working on it. One day I'll actually like myself. Until then, I focus on the few things I do like about myself. It's a long, hard road, and eventually, I'll get there.