engaged in a conspiracy of love

I feel really lucky

2011-07-14T20:40:00.003-06:00

At the beginning of the year, my friends E, J and I sat around my dining room table and dreamed. We dreamed for what we wanted out of this year. I sat with a white poster board and a stack of magazines.

This is what I have hanging in my bedroom, on the wall so it's the first thing I see when I get up and what I stare at while deciding what to wear for the day. Overall, I wanted a new me. I wanted a new job, I wanted to be healthier, I wanted to camp, I wanted a vacation, I wanted to restore my balance.

Here we are over 6 months through the year. I have an amazing new job, that I am realizing more and more that I love. I am getting healthier. I go to the gym 5 days a week. I went on an amazing vacation. I wanted to grow in my self-confidence and I wanted to believe in myself. I am beginning to feel more and more balanced.

Except in one area.

The entire upper left hand corner of my vision board is about love. About falling in love, about marriage, about finding someone to do this journey with. I'm not going to lie, for the first time in a long time, I went on a date (that's not news, I've been dating a lot in the last 2 years) and I walked away from the date thinking to myself that I'm really happy being single and that if I find someone, I'd like him to fit into my life easily and me into his.

So maybe this year was more for me to focus on my career, my health, my general well-being. Maybe all that needed to fall into place before I could focus on love.

And truthfully, now that everything else appears to be in place, I'm ready for the next step. We'll see what happens during this last part of the year.

Times, they are a changin'

2011-06-29T19:53:00.003-06:00

Perhaps I should catch the few readers still on here up on what's happening.

At the end of February, my intuition was proven right. I was laid off...again.

Not going to lie, I fully expected the company to go under in just six weeks. (Un)Fortunately, it is still going strong. So, I interviewed, I waited, and finally, after just two months, I accepted a new position. With a different catering company, where I would be doing more operational things for events. I saw it as an opportunity to grow.

Unfortunately, it has not been the best choice. I didn't realize I'd be sacrificing my weekends, my soul for something I wasn't 100% about.

And then things changed.

And I would like to call it divine.

I was approached by a NPO to come on their staff. They approached me with an opportunity of a lifetime. That after all the time I've put in the last two years, finally, I am making the transition towards what I want to be doing long term.

So, after only two months, I've put in my two weeks noticed. And I'm super excited about what's ahead of me. But that's not the only thing that's changed.

I found a rhythm at the gym. I do zumba...and the elliptical...and weights. I'm noticing the change in my body. I'm starting to lose weight (I am currently down 15 pounds since starting at the end of April) and find some confidence that has been tucked far away.

So, while I may not be blogging, I'm still here. Making transitions, being content and really excited about what's next.

Fearful

2011-02-07T15:27:00.002-07:00

I am almost always stressed out. Life, in general stresses me out. In recent years, this has been attributed to my job. In 2009, in case your memory has failed you, I lost my well-paying, high-stressed job. In reflection, it was a blessing; in the moment, it was stirring up every possible fear about myself. And that entire year, I considered myself a failure.

I did get a job towards the end of the year. I took the job because it was something I was interested in, but not something I was passionate about. Some days, I know I took this job to take a job. Being unemployed for 11 months will do that to you.

However, due to some recent events, I am now fearful again of losing my job. I'm hoping by saying out loud that I don't want to lose my job will, somehow, make it true. I am good at my job. I've been very successful at my job. However, doing my line of work, in the industry I am in, is one where people see it as an extra, not a necessity. Mentally, emotionally, financially, I can't afford to lose my job.

So, universe, I'm putting it out there...either help me with this one or find me a new one...I can't keep living in fear.

What made my night

2011-01-31T20:34:00.002-07:00

@denverpost posted this tonight:
George Karl still believes Carmelo Anthony will be with the #Nuggets all season: http://dpo.st/fTp0J3 #Melo

How I responded:
@denverpost and I still believe that the Tooth Fairy rides a Pegasus and lives with the Keebler Elves. #CarmeloAnthony #Nuggets #Nets

And here's what they said back:
That made us laugh :-)

It wasn't much, but in light of everything that is happening right now, it made my night.

So, it's the end of the year

2010-12-27T07:36:00.002-07:00

I was driving a friend home last night, and I asked her what she was doing for NYE. She mentioned that she was probably going to the mountains and doing a ritual she created last year. She was going to reflect on the year past, and be intentional about what she wanted, what she needed for the upcoming year. While I was already planning on creating a vision board for 2011, being intentional about what I want hadn't really entered my mind.

It's not a lie to think that 2010 was better than 2009. I mean, really, anything was better than 2009. But I know that 2011 is going to be better. I feel it. I know that it will be a big year. That doesn't mean it won't have its heartbreaks, its own frustrations, its own losses. I am aware of that because 2010 had them. I mean, I have 2 ~~friends~~ acquaintances who owe me money from therapy. They hurt me and they hurt me bad, but let's be honest, that's not the point of this post.

So, I'm working on categories to work through, to be intentional about. Finances, Family, Friends, Health, Relationships, Work, Home. Is there something else I am forgetting? I'll try to post about how this goes.

Things that have given me hope over the last few days...

2010-11-19T13:07:00.002-07:00

Why regardless is a powerful word (From Jeffery Platts)
◦Regardless of the dumb thing you just blurted out, it doesn’t mean the entire conversation needs to suck.
◦Regardless of what job you might have, the clothes you wear or the car you drive, your soulmate is not going to give a shit about any of that.
◦Regardless of the how ugly you might feel some days, there are at least 7 people who saw you and thought that you were hot.
◦Regardless of how long you’ve been single, you can trust that divine and perfect timing has got your back.
◦Regardless of how much debt you might have, your true worth is not in your bank account.
◦Regardless of the donut you just ate, you can always eat an apple next time.
◦Regardless of what the national or global economy is, your personal economy does not have to follow the same path.
◦Regardless of whether the person said or forgot to say, you don’t have to look for reasons to be offended.
◦Regardless of how unimportant you might feel, you always have an impact; the Universe would not have put you here if you weren’t important.
◦Regardless of whether one particular date goes well, finding a loving, sexy, soul-level connection with your ideal partner is inevitable.
◦Regardless of your circumstances, you have the resourcefulness to change things for the better.
◦Regardless of what someone says about you, your own opinion of yourself trumps all others.
◦Regardless of the cold and rainy day, you don’t need to be in a low mood.
◦Regardless of what you are currently feeling, all emotions are temporary.
◦Regardless of how much you weigh or how ill you may feel, health and vitality are possible.
◦Regardless of how alone you may feel, others really do care about you.
◦Regardless of how your parents treated you, you can thrive in this life.
◦Regardless of how long you’ve been feeling lost and confused, clarity is just around the corner.
◦Regardless of how perfect someone else’s life may seem, they have insecurities and challenges just like you.
◦Regardless how how much “baggage” you think you might have, you are loveable JUST AS YOU ARE.
◦Regardless of how many times you’ve tried and failed, if you’re still breathing, you can keep going.
◦Regardless of how many closed doors you’ve encountered, there is always another one that CAN be opened.
◦Regardless how much you’ve been hurt in the past, you can still choose to live with an open heart.
◦Regardless of what teachers, parents, friends or your own mind may tell you, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

a declaration of deserving (from the White Hot Truth):
You are worthy of your desires. Really wanting what you want gives you the power to get it. You were born free. (The more you try to earn your freedom, the more trapped you become.) You are worthy of love and respect. Lovable.

You deserve
: eye contact
: smiles in the morning
: food made with pure intention
: clean drinking water, fresh air
: Hello, Please, Thank you.
: time to think about it
: a chance to show them what you're made of
: a second chance
: an education
: health care, including dental
: multiple orgasms
: weekends and the summer off
: 8 hours of sleep
: play before work
: to change your mind
: to say no
: to say yes
: to have your deepest needs met
: to be seen
: to be loved for what is seen.

You deserve all this just because you showed up.
Yep, you're that monumental.

According to Bell Biv Devoe, I should not be trusted

2010-10-27T09:00:00.002-06:00

Recently, Marie Claire gave the okay to publish a blog entitled "Should fatties get a room?". The author mentioned that watching 2 overweight people kiss gives her the shivers and that they should not find love or for that matter, make love.

I won't lie and most of my readers know this about me anyways. I have struggled with my weight since I was in middle school. I have never been skinny. And living in a part of Kansas City where perfection was expected was hard. I lived in a real Beverly Hills, 90120. My clothing has always been in the double digits. My lowest weight wasn't due to healthy eating and exercise. It was due to being on fen-phen. I eat when I am sad, when I am lonely, when I am upset. I know that I am an emotional eater. I also know that I love a good cheeseburger.

It was last year, when in the midst of losing my job and gaining about 15 pounds that I finally started to give myself grace. I liked myself. I have curves, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them very good. And it took one comment from someone I love to take that all away. All the forward progression I had made was now in one giant leap backwards because I wasn't thin enough for their expectations.

People like the author of the Marie Claire article think that they can get away with bullying. That these are just sentences in a blog that no one will really pay attention to. Unfortunately for Ms. Kelly, she is now in heated waters over bullying a majority of the population. She's probably right in her "apology" that she wrote this piece out of a place of hatred that she towards her own body. However, while a society continues to deem that you be "perfect" and "skinny", her article only continues to fuel the fire of poor self-image amongst our population.

Take it from me. I know what it's like to have a poor self-image. I'm working on it. One day I'll actually like myself. Until then, I focus on the few things I do like about myself. It's a long, hard road, and eventually, I'll get there.

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.” -- John Quincy Adams

2010-09-15T21:22:00.003-06:00

I've always been inspired by people who do amazing things. Even those who do little things that they think people don't notice. The person who gives up their seat on the bus, or the person who pays for the coffee of the person behind them...these people inspire me. And often times, I don't know these people.

However, recently I've become inspired by two friends. My friend Kacee is training for a marathon. It's almost a month away and while reading her story, I am moved. I am moved by what she is learning about herself, about the depth of her character, the woman she is shaping into by running crazy amounts. Her stories (you can read it about here) are showing me what perseverance, truth, and grace are all about. And while I might not sign up for a marathon, it is showing me what taking on a big challenge can do for a person.

My other friends, M & M have a story that you would only hear about on a Lifetime movie. One would think, "this would never happen to people I know". But it is. Their story, about adoption, about not letting go, about unsettled decisions after 2 years, makes me cry about every time I read one of their blog updates. Unfortunately, due to the privacy of their court dates, I cannot share their blog. And hopefully after tomorrow, they will have some resolution in their life.

I think I would have given up a while ago in both of these stories. Told myself that I can't/couldn't do it. That it would be easier to just quit and give up instead of pushing through. I am forever grateful to have their stories in my life. As a reminder of what people can do when they are pushed to the limit. I'm just grateful I have role models like this in my life.

It has been 10 years and it has been 5 years

2010-08-22T15:27:00.003-06:00

My grandparents were married in April of 1942. My grandfather, a retired Brig. General in the Louisiana National Guard; my grandmother a strong woman and deeply cared about her family. My summers were spent with them in New Orleans, watching Days of Our Lives. Our holidays were spent in New Orleans, around the Christmas tree. With 3 sons and 9 grandchildren, the house was always filled with laughter.

In June 0f 2000, I was preparing to leave for a stint with a summer camp in North Carolina. I was driving down 95th Street in Overland Park, Kansas when I got the phone call. My grandfather had passed away. I sobbed at a stop light. In a flash, we had to get packed and fly to New Orleans. I flew down, not knowing if I would still be going to North Carolina, but packed for it anyways. One night, before the funeral, my dad came into where I was staying and said that I needed to go to camp. That my Papa would want me to go. I never heard the 21 gun salute at my grandfather's funeral, but I still remember the wake.

In August 2010, my grandmother's health was failing. She had suffered a stroke in January and she never fully recovered. I had just started a new temping job with a bank (the job I would eventually hold for 3 years) and received a phone call that within the next few days, my grandmother would probably pass away. On the 22nd of August, as I was walking around the mall, looking for something to wear to a funeral, I got the phone call. Again, I packed, getting ready to fly down and back for her funeral. Unlike my grandfather, the woman in the casket was not my Grammy. Her weight had dropped drastically and her hands were so tight.

It's been 1o years since I loss my Papa; it's been 5 years since I loss my Grammy. And in case you have been living under a rock for the last 5 years, it has also been 5 years since Hurricane Katrina. The constant reminder of what New Orleans has become is a ping in my soul of what happened 3 days before Katrina struck. I stood in the hot sun and watched as they put her casket in the tomb...sometimes, you never forget details like that.

Because this is the eve of my Grammy's death, my soul is hurting. I miss my grandparents. I miss my family, I miss what New Orleans held for me and what it will always mean to me. I miss...

Eat, Pray, STFU

2010-07-15T10:22:00.002-06:00

I read Eat, Pray, Love when it came out. Was it the the best book I've ever read? Definitely not. Was it a good summer read? Sure, pretty quick and easy.

However, when I was finished, I was pissed.

I wasn't pissed at the book. Nothing in it could have made me angry. What I was angry about had everything to do with the fact that I wasn't living this type of life. I wanted to take a year off (and somehow still be able to financially pay for life) and recapture my essence. I wanted to take off to France, not Italy and fall in love with delicious foods. I wanted to go to Kenya to reconnect with my soul. I wanted to go some place exotic and feel the sand beneath my feet and fall madly in love.

Why the hell couldn't I too have this type of life?

And now that the movie is coming out, I'm feeling that angst again. I know I should be so dramatic. That I lead a life that someone is jealous of (ha).

Let me know, how to do you create a continual sense of understanding about yourself, if you aren't able to travel to exotic lands...I'd love any advice I can get.

Let's get you back to Kenya

2010-07-14T16:32:00.003-06:00

I've started therapy again. It's been two years since the last time. The last time focused around the trauma that was Radius. This time, well, we are focusing more on me.

I will not go into details, about why I am going, what we are discussing. Only a few people know those details.

However last night, we were talking about the three major things I wanted to work on through therapy. The last one has to deal with my job. I enjoy my job. I enjoy my co-workers. But, at the end of the day, I still realize this isn't what I am suppose to be doing. And as I speak with my therapist, it is a constant reminder that I know what I should be doing with my life.

She ended last night with "well, let's get you back to Kenya." Out of everything we talked about yesterday, this is what is still sitting with me.

I sit and question what does it look like for me to get back to Kenya, without literally going. How do I do what I know I'm suppose to be doing, from Denver, or even the states?

Let's get you back to Kenya. The one place in recent history where I felt totally alive, totally me, totally centered.

Let's get you back to Kenya...heavy words to consider.

Today...

2010-06-27T17:35:00.002-06:00

FYI, after today, this will be featured on the side of this blog...

The fact that the commercial I'm listening to just mentioned motorboating
$25 pedicures
Lounging by the pool
Sweet Tea
Relaxing Sunday afternoons

Today I am grateful for

2010-06-26T16:27:00.002-06:00

This is for yesterday and today...

Sushi
Photography
Kindness of Strangers
Autozone
Creative gifts
Tennis lessons
Good parking karma
Roadside Assistance
Family Guy
Twitter people who want to help me date better

Today I'm grateful for...

2010-06-24T16:23:00.002-06:00

Roadside Assistance
whole wheat english muffins and honey
Finding a new therapist
AC
Snickers Ice Cream Bars

Today I am grateful for...

2010-06-23T20:45:00.003-06:00

wine with a fantastic friend
chipotle shrimp tacos
perfect Colorado weather
Don't Stop Believin' by Journey
Happy Hour glasses of wine

The grateful project

2010-06-22T16:31:00.002-06:00

I've been struggling recently, mostly with my own envy issues. Envy is my deadly sin, if I had to give myself one. I know, deeply, that this has something to do with my entitlement issues. My friends, family members, even strangers all have something that I want and that I feel like I should have.

It's often hard for me to look at my own life and see the beauty that is there. It's hard to see that there are aspects of my life that I should be grateful for, that other people are envious of. So, my friend today challenged me. I had challenged her a few months back to take a few moments, every day, to come up with 5 things she was grateful for. In turn, she has asked me to do the same thing. The easiest place for me to do this is on my blog. Some place, where I can eventually look back and see, here are the things I should be grateful for. So, here goes nothing...

June 22, 2010 -- Today, I am grateful for:

A company that allows me to bring my dog to work
Beautiful, honest girlfriends who have loved me, some for years, some for only short months, but who I know I cannot be without
My eye mask that I sleep with at night
Dr. Pepper
My really comfy couch

An update to my goals

2010-05-22T13:52:00.002-06:00

Let's review what my goals were:
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday.
2. Live within a budget for 12 months
3. Go on a vacation
4. Read at least 1 book a month
5. Take a class on a new skill
6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded
7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis)
8. Turn off the tv for a month grade
9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together)
10. Climb a 14'ner next summer
11. Finally get my tattoo
12. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be

Goals I have completed:
Number 3 (I leave for California next week)
Number 4 (I'm a reading machine!)
Number 5 (Knitting is so fun!)
Number 6 (Trust me, if you aren't doing this already, START! It's a life saver)
Number 7 (Tennis lessons start June 7)
Number 9 (We are staying overnight in Los Angeles after the Flight of the Conchords concert)

50%! Can you believe it?! I don't think I've ever been this motivated to accomplish my goals. I've already added another one to the list (you'll learn about it soon, I promise). Here's the crazy thing: I fully believe that I will accomplish this entire list before the year is over. I believe that everything is completely doable. And I've already started working on my list for 31. And the first thing on it is a doozy.

I feel very proud of myself and I can't wait to see how the rest of them go.

Remeber that time I took dating on with a vengance...

2010-05-17T08:27:00.002-06:00

Thanks to the dating optimist, I've gotten some help with what I want in a relationship. You can read about it here: http://bit.ly/cXWs1Q

This is like my own version of being famous!

grabbing life, well, by the balls

2010-05-11T19:01:00.003-06:00

In recent days, I've been depressed. In light of ending things with the guy I was seeing for the last 6 months (which, I guess, was a good thing), I fell back into a state of what's the point. But within the last few days, I've decided to become proactive on my life. I had begun to feel complacent and angry and bitter. I don't like feeling any of those things, so I've decided to take charge.

I started knitting lessons. Yes, knitting. My inner-grandmother loves it. And in reality, I love it too. It calms my mind and allows me to just be. Just being is something I struggle with. I constantly need to be doing something. Knitting helps remind me to breathe and drop my shoulders.

The other thing I've done is signed up for a tennis league. I played in high school (a random fact you all might not know about me) but I haven't picked up a racquet since then. But I've wanted to relearn. I live across the street to 6 courts and I'm jealous of those people playing. Plus, I want to become more active and meet more people (and by people, I mean cute boys). This league gives lessons and then you play doubles. It seems ideal. So, come Monday nights, I'll be playing.

I've also signed up for a beer and cheese tasting. Two things I love: beer and cheese.

I've gotten to the point where I don't care if others join me. I want to do what I want to do. I want to not look back and be regretful that I haven't more things.

So, here goes nothing. Actually, here's to grabbing life by the balls.

I can't believe I'm confessing to this

2010-05-04T08:46:00.002-06:00

On Sunday afternoon, I sat at lunch with 7 girlfriends. One mentioned she had tried out a church in her neighborhood for when her mom came into town for Mother's Day.

Immediately, the pangs in my soul struck. It's no lie that I don't go to church any more. The last time I was in a church was for a friend's wedding in September. And technically, that doesn't count. So, the last time I actually went to a service was when my best friend was in town over a year ago. It's just not a part of my life. And after my experience, I don't know when I'll feel comfortable going again. The thought alone just doesn't excite me.

She mentioned how caring this place seemed, how warm and welcoming it was. She spoke about how she felt comfortable she was and how she was excited to go back.

Warmth. Loving. Community-centered. These are things I had hoped to find in a church. These are things I've always loved about the Church. And for a split second, I almost missed the Church. I missed the body I knew to be in Axis and Summit. I missed the hope I had in Radius and what I saw in Jacob's Well. I thought about my small group back at Willow and the love, support, strength I received from it and my soul missed that aspect of the Church.

My faith has changed so much in the last 5 years. I think the pastor I was when I started at Willow and who I am today wouldn't recognize each other. I have grace for where I am and am okay with what I stand for. And for a split second, I realized I missed what I knew the Church could be. However, it was like a breath. I missed it and then it was done. Because I know community can be outside of the church. And what I have right now, the community I have, I wouldn't trade for the world.

I'm not so sure...

2010-04-11T19:32:00.003-06:00

I know it's been since I've posted a real post, on what's really happening in my life. I've been busy at my job. It's going well, I guess. I never know if I am doing enough, if I am doing well. It's an interesting thing, learning you are good at something but not knowing if it's really just dumb luck.

I've been keeping busy with friends, hosting Easter brunch, and seeing shows. I would say overall, relationally with friends, I'm doing well. Relationally with men, not so much. I'm struggling with knowing if I am good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough...and hearing it from friends and family just isn't cutting it. On Friday, I was really lonely, struggling with my relational world and last night I went from bad to worse. The thought I actually had was maybe I will never be emotionally mature enough to handle a long term-relationship.

I guess I can only hope.

I lie in bed, wondering when my turn will come. Maybe that's the problem, I'm not active enough. At this point, I don't know what to do. Really, I want a magical wand that will tell me everything one day will be okay, be the way I hope it will be.

I think I am leading a simple life, nothing too exciting. I'm just feeling a little blah these days. Any suggestions on how to change that?

Why won't you go to the store?

2010-04-08T13:54:00.000-06:00

I'm sick. I hate being sick. Mostly because I have no one who will let me lay (or is it lie?) with my head in their lap, and stroke my hair.

Nor do I have anyone who will go to the store for me.

Here's what I want when I am sick:
7-Up, not Sprite. There is a big difference
Something to eat other than soup -- preferably green jello and cool whip (yes, you do need to click on the link)

I've asked my dog multiple times to go to the store for me. Damn it, dog. You've been napping since 10 am. Get your ass to the store. This relationship is really about what I can do for you, not what you can do for me. There is no mutual sharing in this relationship.

You know who would go to the store for me, Lassie.

Ugh...I guess I'll go to the store.

Less than 2 weeks away

2010-03-04T09:02:00.004-07:00

By this point in 2 weeks, I will have turned 30. I will have celebrated with my girlfriends in Denver over dinner and will be getting ready for 3 friends to come in to celebrate with me that weekend. I'm really looking forward to that part; the whole actually admitting that I'm 30, well, that's a different story.

I had started out the year with 12 goals. With the year being 3 months in and my birthday being less than 2 weeks away, here's my grades currently:
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday current grade: D- I have taken some strides but not enough. Plans are being set for this to change here shortly.

2. Live within a budget for 12 months grade: C. I did decent the first month and a half. However, I need to get back on track. I am doing much better than I was, that's for damn sure.

3. Go on a vacation grade: C. I haven't planned anything, nor have I made any plans. Hopefully that will change soon.

4. Read at least 1 book a month grade: A+ What I have read: The Lost Symbol and The Help. What I am currently reading: Meeting Your Half-Orange: An Utterly Upbeat Guide to Using Dating Optimism to Find Your Perfect Match

5. Take a class on a new skill grade: B- I've signed up for a knitting class starting in April :)

6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded grade: A+++ seriously, I realize now that this is a blessing and so much better for my spirit. Also, having a roommate has help.

7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis) grade: F I haven't made any decisions on this.

8. Turn off the tv for a month grade: B I have decided that June is my month and we'll see how it goes.

9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together) grade: F She and I haven't even spoken about it.

10. Climb a 14'ner next summer grade: B- I have spoken to my friend J about it and she's willing to help, so that's a step in the right direction

11. Finally get my tattoo. grade: D- I still have no idea what I would get, where I could get it (I'm not getting a tramp stamp) and when I would get it.

12. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be grade: C- I'm getting better with this, however, I still have moments (almost daily) where I struggle with my expectation management. But, like I said, it's getting better....

Less than 2 weeks...here goes nothing...

60 days and counting...

2010-01-15T17:34:00.003-07:00

It's not shocking that I'm struggling with my impending birthday (now only 60 days away). I think it really comes down to expectations. My expectation on where I would be when I turned 30 are drastically different than where I am today.

My friends J and K always remind me that my life is really good, that I've accomplished so much before my 30th. Why wouldn't I sit in that and realize they are correct? I own my home, I have a job, a master's degree, fantastic friends, a dog. I've traveled to Kenya, I've found my spirit, I've embraced my personhood (to some degree). I know what makes me laugh, what makes me cry, what pisses me off...seriously, most people never find this out. So why am I not grateful?

Again, it's expectations. I expected that I would be married, with children in the home that I own. I expected to be using my master's degree and now it's a distant memory of who I use to be. I expected to be in a career, not a job. I expected to be settled. And not in the sense that this is the best it's ever going to get, but assured.

What I know to be true is that while things appear to be going well, deep down, I know they are not. I know that the man I want to be with does not want me in that capacity. I know that my fear of ending up like Bridget Jones where I have died alone in my house and I'm being eaten by dogs is very true. I know that I fear losing my job again and being forced to sell my home. That I may never get a master's degree in something I believe in. That I may never join the Peace Corps.

Truthfully, I'm living a life of fear. And it's driving me crazy.

I'm starting therapy again in February in hopes that I can resolve myself and can embrace the beautiful life I do have...until then, I question how I got here and if I can change it in 60 days.

Good bye 2009, Hello 2010

2010-01-02T21:10:00.004-07:00

There comes a point in your life when you’re officially an adult. Suddenly, you’re old enough to vote, drink, and engage in other adult activities. Suddenly, people expect you to be responsible, serious… a grown up. We get taller, we get older. But do we ever really grow up? -Meredith, Grey’s Anatomy

I don't think I need to recap how 2009 was. If you need a reflection, see either this entry or this entry or this entry. I've never been so ready for a year to end. And yes, I know I will be stronger because of this year (when God shuts a door, he opens a window...so there is something to jump out of). I'm just going to embrace 2010 and see where it takes me...

Seeing how we have 73 days left till my 30th, I'm trying to make 2010 a year that reflects accomplishments. I'm attempting to live within my means, take myself seriously, and know that I will welcome 30 with an open hug as opposed to a swift kick in the ass.

So, I wrote out 15 things I want to accomplish this year. They might seem small, but to me they are big things.

I do need to figure out the last three. I'm taking suggestions, please help!

15 things to accomplish in my 30th year.
1. Lose 30 pounds by my 30th Birthday
2. Live within a budget for 12 months
3. Go on a vacation
4. Read at least 1 book a month
5. Take a class on a new skill
6. For 1 month put laundry away right away after they are washed and folded
7. Pick up a new sport (I'm considering tennis)
8. Turn off the tv for a month
9. Schedule a trip with my best friend (perhaps 3 and 9 can go together)
10. Climb a 14'ner next summer
11. Finally get my tattoo.
12.
13.
14.
15. Come to realize that where I thought I would be when I turned 30 and where I am is okay and where am I suppose to be

Merry Christmas?

2009-12-22T12:34:00.002-07:00

Since I was unemployed for most of 2009, I couldn't really afford to leave for the holidays. Which, all in all, isn't a bad thing. My folks came to visit for Thanksgiving and they have sent my presents to me. They've been neatly stacked at my front door because, well, I was lazy this year and decided not to put up a tree.

This isn't my first Christmas away from my family. I did it in 2007 when I didn't have the time off to travel because of Kenya. But the biggest difference is that I spent that Christmas with my friends at my house, lounging in pj's opening presents and laughing. We also went to see Juno that night. Overall, it was a great Christmas.

This Christmas is, well, something I'm not looking forward to. In all honesty, I almost wish I was traveling to a different city instead of staying in Denver. I'm not going to be completely alone. My friends Maria and Leah are beyond gracious and have both opened their festivities up to me. And my friend Nic and I are going to dinner on Christmas Eve and then I'm heading to a new friend Nicole's house.

It should be a good time...it should be nice. But it's not ideal. I'm extremely grateful that my friends have included me, and yet, there is a huge part of me that is struggling with the alone-ness of this Christmas. I think the thought of not having anyone around on Christmas Day is really starting to freak me out and this isn't how I want to spend Christmas. The independent part of me wants to be okay with spending Christmas away from my close friends and family...the reality is I'm having really big anxiety about this Christmas, which is making me not all that excited for it. I just hope I can get into the spirit by Friday.

Why I love the Internet

2009-12-09T07:08:00.002-07:00

And really, what I love is Facebook. Sure, it has it's problems. Sometimes people post way to much information, sometimes people are over-dramatic (myself included), sometimes people use it to be passive-aggressive. However, Facebook is, for me at least, a place to catch up, to hear what is going on with friends, and to laugh at pictures. But the best thing is the ability to catch up with old friends.

Jeni and I actually went to middle school together and were friends in high school. We went to the same church, had the same crushes, and had a similar group of friends. But we lost touch in college (not surprising because I suck at keeping in touch with people). And thanks to Facebook and for being in similar dating places, we've reconnected with a vengeance. We chat daily about our boy situations, about what we SHOULD be doing and how we SHOULD be acting in our late 20's.

Don't get me wrong, my girlfriends here and around the country are fabulous on their advice, but there is something about Jeni's advice. She's been really helpful, and most importantly, not judgemental as I make decisions about my love life. She recently posted this blog about not wanting to be second string, or the back-up, in a guy's life. The girl who is good enough if everything else doesn't work out. And what was so refreshing about this blog in particular is that it's something I've cried out before. I get it, and to me, that's why I love reconnecting with Jeni. It feels like we are on the same path, just many, many miles away.

So, say what you will about the Internet and Facebook, but I love it and am appreciative for reconnecting me to a friend that I lost along the way...

I'm ready to get on to 2010

2009-12-05T09:16:00.003-07:00

And it's true, it may be the antidepressants, but 2010 has to be better than 2009. So much has to happen in 2010. First and foremost, it's the year of the 30. I've currently got 101 days left. I've set some realistic goals for myself on what I want to take control over in the 30th year. Finances, diet, life, love are all at the top of the list.

With 26 days left in the year and 101 days left in my 20's (yeah, that's weird to say, especially when I consider where I was when I was leaving my teens for my 20's...thank god for transformation), I've decided to take this list seriously:

By 30, you should have (I've crossed through the ones I feel like I've accomplished):

~~One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to~~ and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
~~A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.~~
~~Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.~~
~~A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.~~
~~A youth you’re content to move beyond.~~
~~A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.~~
The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.
~~An e-mail address, a voice mailbox and a bank account—all of which nobody has access to but you.~~
~~A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.~~
~~One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.~~
~~A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill~~ and a black lace bra.
Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
The belief that you deserve it.
A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know:

How to fall in love without losing yourself.

~~How you feel about having kids.~~

~~How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.~~
When to try harder and when to walk away.
~~How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.~~
~~The names of: the secretary of state, your great-grandmother and the best tailor in town.~~
~~How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.~~
~~How to take control of your own birthday.~~
~~That you can’t change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.~~
~~That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.~~
~~What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.~~
~~That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or not flossing for very long.~~
~~Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally.~~
Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
Why they say life begins at 30.

Looks like I've got some work to do in the next 101 days...

289 days. 15 Hours. 46 minutes.

2009-10-16T21:46:00.002-06:00

On December 31, I lost my job.

I lost what I considered to be my sense of who I was. I wasn't happy. I hadn't been happy at the job since I came back from Kenya. Something clicked there and I started realizing that not only was I unhappy, but my boss thought I was complete idiot and had no idea what I was doing.

So, I packed up my items and I left. I began what I thought would be a short jaunt. I thought to myself, this will be quick, I will get a job shortly. And then one month passed. I applied for job after job after job. (As a side note, I think I've applied for almost 300 jobs.)

I had a handful of interviews, some I really wanted, some weren't for me. I eventually came to the point where I was willing to settle. I would settle for anything. If it would pay me a decent amount, I would do it.

Last week, that changed. I applied for a position knowing it's something I can be good at, something that I want to do. I took a shot and applied, not knowing what would come of it. I had 2 really good interviews. My references gave me some of the best compliments in the world.

Today, I accepted a position as a Catering Sales Manager for a company here in Denver. I can't wait to start and the opportunity that is before me. I almost feel like I can't be inside my own skin because I am so excited.

And yet, I know one thing is for sure. These last 289 days were complete hell. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy. For every person who is in this position, I am sorry. I can't offer you the words you want to hear, but I do get it...and very few of us do.

There are a few people who have made these last 10 months possible. My parents, my dog, my friends who have gone above and beyond any expectation I would have imagined. Every phone call, every outing, every encouragement have made these days bearable. My parents have supported me in ways I couldn't believe. My friends have forced me out of my house, out of my depression, out of my clouds. Thank you to each one of you for all of your support over the last 289 days. I will forever be grateful.

Who knows what the future holds, but I've been waiting for this day for over 10 months. I am excited for the next adventure...here goes nothing.

An update on, well, life

2009-10-06T11:04:00.002-06:00

Here's the thing about life, in case you forgot. Life never stops. People always want it to, in fact, I often wish life would stop just so I can catch up. But wishing life would stop prevents life from doing what it is called to do...move on. Making the hard decisions are never easy...that's why they call them hard decisions.

In a recent turn of events, after posting this, I actually got the courage to say the words aloud. That night as I tried to sleep, I couldn't believe how proud I was of myself. I finally put myself first and it felt great.

Which made me think of other areas I deserve to be first in. That means I've ramped up my job searching, taken some other strides personally, and have decided that right now, I'm number 1 in my book.

I've needed to do this for a while now. But the pressure of everything else has hindered my development. Hence, the wishing life would stop. But how can I move on if life is in a constant pause state? That doesn't mean I don't have down days. That doesn't mean I'm not overwhelmed by the situation I'm in and how I desperately wish it was different. But it's remembering to take the good with the bad, the in with the out and hopefully moving up in a better position.

Who would have thought, telling one person the words I've needed to say, would have pushed me so hard to be true to myself?

Your girl is lovely, Hubble

2009-09-24T23:56:00.001-06:00

This is so appropriate today....more than I even realize...

what does settling mean to you?

2009-09-16T14:36:00.003-06:00

I am a big (make that HUGE) proponent of not settling. I don't think anyone should ever settle...in relationships, in work, in life.

Most of my friends have heard me say, especially in the last year, I will not settle. I settled when I took the job here in Denver, mostly because I needed the money. I craved the stability.

Here I am 9 months after the fact, and I am realizing more and more how I need that stability. So what do you do? When you realize you might have to settle again? Is it truly settling or it realizing the need and knowing you have to do what's best for you in the situation you are currently in?

I still think you shouldn't settle, especially in relationships (which I too am often guilty of) but perhaps with work, I just don't know if I can continue with the life I have and the life I want.

Just a test

2009-09-14T18:40:00.001-06:00

That my linking between my facebook page is no longer importing my blogger posts.

This is really so I can post my next post.

stopping insanity

2009-09-06T23:33:00.003-06:00

Oh What A Day by Ingrid Michaelson
Oh what a day is today
Nothing can stand in my way
Now that you've shipped out from under my skin
I think I'm ready to win

Oh what a night is tonight
I think I'm ready to fight
Now that my broken bones all have been healed
I think I'm starting to feel

Something good
Something good
Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good

Oh what a way that we die
Plenty of tears were supplied
My eyes are wrung out and dry as a bone
And I taste much better alone

Something good
Something good
Now that you're gone I can roll onto something good

Oh you know I moved away
From the other side of the door
I don't have to wait anymore for you to come home
Something good
Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good
Something good

I've been feeling a little empowered today, especially after reading Einstein's quote about insanity:

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

So, I've decided to take small steps...to prevent insanity. This song feels very appropriate right now...

Because, you know, I like truthiness

2009-08-29T18:39:00.002-06:00

Just in case you'd like to combat the lies the right would like you to believe about the health care battle, please peruse this article.

I'm not saying, but I'm just saying...yeah.

things needed...a pause button

2009-08-18T21:52:00.002-06:00

There are 210 days left until it happens. It...the dreaded 30th birthday.

Here's the thing: I wish that I could pause my life like I do often on my tivo. I am so nervous about my 30th. Where I thought I would be and were I am are on such different planes, I often think they are traveling to Tokyo and Nairobi at the same time.

And I don't want to have a pity party, but it's true. Turning 30 might be in the 10 list of my greatest fears, only behind abandonment and loose teeth. I remember distinctly what I said my freshman year of college as to where I would be at 25. And obviously, that didn't happen. Yes, I did survive the "failure" of dreams then, so perhaps this is survivable too.

But what do you do? When you are facing a milestone, in a year that could easily be one of the worst? What do you do when you are laying on the floor of your living room, questioning what was and what is and what will be? Do you simply rely on the present, remembering that your feet are firmly on the floor or pine away for the future?

And while the 210 days slowly tick away, I begin to think of all that is yet to be accomplished and how to delight in what I have done, where I am, and who I am. But, and if I am honest with you dear Internet, the joy is short in comparison with the long list of things I should have accomplished by now.

That's why I wish my life came with a pause button. I want to stop now, accomplish what I want and continue on before 30. I want to rewind and relive the highs and fast forward the lows. I want to cherish the laughter, the tears, the growth with a slow motion button and at the end of it all, I want to save it so I can watch it again later.

Unfortunately, life doesn't work like tivo. And until I figure out a way to have my cake and eat it to, I'll look toward the 30th birthday with a bit of fear and a sense of what if.

what I appreciate

2009-08-16T08:36:00.002-06:00

" In the end, this isn’t about politics. This is about people’s lives and livelihoods. This is about people’s businesses. This is about America’s future, and whether we will be able to look back years from now and say that this was the moment when we made the changes we needed, and gave our children a better life. I believe we can, and I believe we will."

Thank you, President Obama, for a clear understanding of what you are going after in the health care debate. Just another reason I am proud I voted for you and stand by my decision every day.

what if?

2009-06-08T11:58:00.005-06:00

I'm just curious.

What if the "purity retreat" I went to in high school actually presented waiting like this:

As opposed to being shamed into not owning a 2 pieced bikini and not running?

Just a thought.

Just let go, just be.

2009-05-22T20:49:00.001-06:00

be ok...

2009-05-17T10:43:00.004-06:00

Perhaps one of the most frustrating thing about being unemployed are the reactions I get from others. For those who know someone or themselves have been unemployed, the response is "I'm so sorry. How are you doing?". Yet, for those who have no idea what it is like, here are the response I have received:

Are you loving it?
That's fantastic. What are you doing these days?
Good for you!

WHAT?!?! Good for you?!?!

Um, let's review the facts of the last 5 months: These have not been easy times. They have not been fun. Sure there are moments that are beautiful, that remind me that waiting for the job that is best for me is okay. Most days though, the fear that something may never come is overwhelming.

It's been suggested recently that I look into pharmaceutical sales in the mean time. When I've mentioned it to two people (who don't know each other), they've both said the same thing: That's selling your soul to the devil. I'm not going to lie, the possibility of making $60,000 a year is tempting. But is it worth it?

I recently asked my friends for support. A few people asked what they can do. What I realized I needed came last night as I took my friend Maria home. She spoke some words of truth into my life. That she respected my decision to wait, that it is honorable and no matter what I do, she's there for me. What I need right now is for people to speak the truth into my life. I desperately need is for people to remind me that I am doing more than enough and if I want to wait, it's going to be okay.

And that's what I want. To be okay. I want to know that things are going to be okay, no matter what happens, no matter how long I wait. I think that's part of the reason Ingrid Michaelson's song "Be Ok" is my current repeat song:

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

CHORUS:
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

CHORUS

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Hopefully someday soon I realize that I will know I will be okay...

strong

2009-04-05T11:19:00.003-06:00

–adjective

1.	having, showing, or able to exert great bodily or muscular power; physically vigorous or robust: a strong boy.

2.	accompanied or delivered by great physical, mechanical, etc., power or force: a strong handshake; With one strong blow the machine stamped out a fender.

3.	mentally powerful or vigorous: He may be old, but his mind is still strong.

4.	especially able, competent, or powerful in a specific field or respect: She's very strong in mathematics. He's weak at bat, but he's a strong fielder.

5.	of great moral power, firmness, or courage: strong under temptation.

6.	powerful in influence, authority, resources, or means of prevailing or succeeding: a strong nation.

7.	aggressive; willful: a strong personality.

8.	of great force, effectiveness, potency, or cogency; compelling: strong reasons; strong arguments.

9.	clear and firm; loud: He has a strong voice.

10.	solid or stable; healthy; thriving: The banker predicted a strong economy.

11.	well-supplied or rich in something specific: a strong hand in trumps.

12.	having powerful means to resist attack, assault, or aggression: a strong fortress; a strong defense.

13.	able to resist strain, force, wear, etc.: strong walls; strong cloth.

14.	decisively unyielding; firm or uncompromising: She has strong views about the United Nations. He has a strong sense of duty.

15.	fervent; zealous; thoroughgoing: He's a strong Democrat.

16.	strenuous or energetic; vigorous: strong efforts.

17.	moving or acting with force or vigor: strong winds.

18.	distinct or marked; vivid, as impressions, resemblance or contrast: He bears a strong resemblance to his grandfather.

19.	intense, as light or color.

20.	having a large proportion of the effective or essential properties or ingredients; concentrated: strong tea.

21.	(of a beverage or food) containing much alcohol: strong drink; The fruitcake was too strong.

22.	having a high degree of flavor or odor: strong cheese; strong perfume.

23.	having an unpleasant or offensive flavor or odor, esp. in the process of decay: strong butter.

24.	of a designated number: Marines 20,000 strong.

25.	Commerce. characterized by steady or advancing prices: The market resumed its strong pace after yesterday's setback.

26.

Grammar.

a.	(of Germanic verbs) having vowel change in the root in inflected forms, as the English verbs sing, sang, sung; ride, rode, ridden.

b.	(of Germanic nouns and adjectives) inflected with endings that are generally distinctive of case, number, and gender, as German alter Mann “old man.”

c.	belonging to the morphophonemically less regular of two inflectional subtypes.

27.	(of a word or syllable) stressed.

Out of all the words on my list, this has always been my most difficult to embrace. I have always had a strong personality and while I was in the conservative church world, this was never encouraged or embraced. In my mind, it was always looked upon with shame. (Damn you Proverbs 31 for being misinterpreted and shaming towards vibrant, young women) And unfortunately, I never embraced it either.

It wasn't until Chicago that I fully began to understand that my strong-will isn't a bad thing. I'm a confident, strong-willed individual. And some people cannot handle it. It's only been in the last few years that I've been able to handle it. However, today, I'm going to embrace it and love it because Sheralee is right, this is a part of who I am.

desire

2009-04-04T13:34:00.003-06:00

One of my favorite shows to watch is "Friday Night Lights". It has nothing to do with my love of football, it has to do with my desire to be authentic. Something in this show hits my desire for authenticity every week.

This week, I realized how strong this desire is when I realized someone I considered to be a friend showed his true colors. Not knowing him made me sad; realizing who he actually is made me sadder.

My desire to be known, to be real, to be loved has become more apparent since I've lost my job. My desire to do work that betters the world is palpable in every moment of my life.

As I was watching "Friday Night Lights" this week, I was struck by one of the characters desire for college. Her desire for college is similar to my desires to just be me. And in all honesty, these could be my words today.

Two years ago, I was afraid of wanting anything.
I figured wanting would lead to trying and trying would lead to failure.
But now I find that I can't stop wanting.
I want to fly somewhere in first class.
I want to travel to Europe on a business trip.
I want to get invited to the White House.
I want to learn about the world.
I want to surprise myself.
I want to be important.
I want to be the best person that I can be.
I want to define myself instead of having others define me.
I want to win, and have people be happy for me,
I want to lose and get over it.
I want to not be afraid of the unknown.
I want to grow up to be generous and big hearted, the way that people have been with me.
I want an interesting and surprising life.

It's not that I think I'm going to get all of these things,
I just want the possibility of getting them.
~~College~~ Life represents possibility.
The possibility that things are going to change.
I can't wait..

New Feature

2009-04-01T12:30:00.002-06:00

I often speak about songs that I keep on repeat. I've been able to add a feature where you can now hear the song I am referencing. Enjoy!

my little experiment

2009-03-31T08:14:00.003-06:00

Half way through Monday, I realized I was suppose to be meditating on the encouraging words that Sheralee had given to me. Ironically, the word was encouraging.

Here's what I realized: I need to become more encouraging to myself. I think Sheralee is right, I am encouraging to my friends. I fully believe I have the best group of friends. I have surrounded myself (here and around the world) with people who are fully loving, who are capable of changing the world, who have strong convictions and aren't willing to back down on what they believe in. However, most of the time, I don't believe that about myself. In fact, I'm pretty damn abusive towards myself. My friend Sara reminded me of that on Monday night when we had birthday desserts.

So, here's to hoping that I will give myself a little grace and a lot of love and start building myself up. Here's to encouragement.

enjoy the ride...

2009-03-29T18:55:00.003-06:00

Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride... -Solbeam

On my birthday, my friend Sheralee handed me a small, handmade card. She selected 12 words, 12 words of truth she sees in me. And she's right, I don't believe in these 12 words are the truth about me, especially these days. But I'm trying to. I've made the active choice to spend the next 12 days meditating over these truths. My hope is simple, hopefully by the end of the 12 days I will know they are very true.

encouraging...smart...sexy...vibrant...generous...faithful...fun-loving...strong...beautiful...spontaneous...brave...hilarious...

yeah, yeah, it was my birthday

2009-03-17T19:26:00.002-06:00

I've recently said that 2009 is in the running for the worst year. I don't know 2005 can be topped, but it so far, 2009 is in the running.

I typically spend the entire month of March celebrating my birthday. However, due to the circumstances of 2009, I had no desire to celebrate. I couldn't find a reason to spend the whole month celebrating.

So, I put my desire to celebrate aside. In my words, it wasn't worth celebrating. However, my beautiful friends decided otherwise.

Here's how I spent my 29th birthday. Technically it started with dinner on Sunday night with a friend. I was taken to a great Italian restaurant here in Denver and enjoy the company of a good friend. Monday included breakfast at Snooze, only to be surprised that my friends Christie and Daniel were more than generous, all the way from Kansas City and took care of my meal, pedicures with Maria, margaritas at Wahoos, dinner at Maggianos with Sheralee and Maria and drinks at the Bull. Throughout the day, I got lots of loving messages from friends and family. For a day that I didn't want to celebrate, it ended up being a blessing. I felt loved, wanted, appreciated...and for the last few months, that hasn't been true.

Thank you to everyone who participated. It wouldn't have been the same without you.

Maybe 2009 is starting to look up...here's to hoping for the best 29th year possible.

Having a voice

2009-03-07T11:12:00.003-07:00

One of the things I love most about our new administration is that our President is allowing the people to voice their opinion on the changes he wants to make. Whether you agree or not with the changes he wants to make, he does want to hear from you. Amazing...a President willing to listen to the people.

I received the following email from a friend of mine regarding the new changes on health care, specifically on receiving complete and accurate reproductive health information and services.

President Obama has begun the process of overturning the Bush administration rule that limits the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information and services. The Bush rule is a huge threat to women's health, and this is our best chance to reverse it.

In order to overturn the Bush administration rule, Obama has to allow 30 days for the public to comment on what he proposes to do. We need to show our support NOW to make sure his proposal to reverse the rule succeeds.

I want to make sure that doctors and hospitals aren't allowed to use their personal biases as an excuse to withhold health care information and services from their patients. That's why I joined Planned Parenthood in speaking out in support of President Obama's plan to undo this dangerous rule.

Will you add your voice? Here's the link with all the info you need:
http://www.ppaction.org/campaign/hhsorcp_ppol?rk=KdwN_7718C-IW

Like I said, you have the right to voice your opinion on what you want President Obama does on this. Speak up, use your voice. It's not every day in every country that you can say what you need and what you want from our President. I personally don't care what you want to say, just say it. Don't be lazy and not say anything and then bitch and moan after it's said and done.

Having a voice is a privilege in this country. USE IT.

60

2009-03-01T10:05:00.004-07:00

Here are some things you might not know about the number 60:
The 30th even number is 60.
The 127th and 128th digits of pi is 60.
Neodymium's atomic number is 60.
A snowflake has six main arms that are 60 degrees apart.
A honeycomb is a hexagon with outer angles of 60 degrees.
Diamond wedding anniversary celebrates 60 years of marriage.

60 days ago, I worked my last day at my job. Here we are, 60 days later, and I still do not have full time employment. The reality is, it's been over 2 months since I was at my job.

I had to go back the other day, to finish up some paper work for my stock options. Walking in there was horrible. It affected my entire day. But I realized on Thursday, that is the last time I will ever have to walk in there. I once said I would almost consider going back and last week, there isn't enough money in the world to have me go back.

Someone recently asked me how the job search was going. Here's the reality, it is what it is. There is nothing new to report. Jobs I want, I don't get, the one job I've been offered, I couldn't take for multiple reasons.

I just don't know what else to do. A friend of mine has offered to review my resume and I signed up for a class through Denver's YNPN (Young Nonprofit Professional Network) for my resume to be reviewed by multiple Nonprofit professionals.

I never expected 60 days to go by without me have a full-time job. I don't know if I can do another 60 days. And selfishly, I still want one as a birthday present and that's 15 days away. Many people I've spoken with has said that their 29th birthday was worse than their 30th. I have a strong suspicion mine will be similar.

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all. -- Harriet Van Horne

2009-02-10T22:20:00.002-07:00

I've had a friend ask me a question recently about my cooking. Not that I do it, but why all of the sudden with all the new recipes.

I've tried some that work, some that need to be added to every one's repertoire, and some that I'm too afraid to try.

Here's why I am doing it...I'm choosing not to eat out as much and since I am not, I need to find some items to make it feel like I am eating out. And really, I needed to move beyond the fajitas, killer meatloaf and baked ziti I have mastered.

So, I am trying new things. Keeping my options open and reminding myself that this can be a learning experience, not only about what I am capable of doing within the kitchen, but that it can be applied to life.

Perhaps there are other risks I need to be taking.

Fear

2009-02-01T20:01:00.004-07:00

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

For the last month, I have cried almost every day. And I'm not saying that for sympathy, I'm saying that as fact.

I hate being unemployed. I hate it. I would never wish this experience on my worst enemy. It forces you to deal with the lies you tell yourself, the reality that they actually might be true and the inability to find the truth in the midst.

Not only do I fear what my reality is, I get stressed out about it on an almost hourly basis. I have 6 weeks until my birthday. And all I want is a job. And right now, I'd almost take any job. While Starbucks provides me with a much needed escape each week, it only provides me with a 12 hour escape.

I know others have it tougher than me and to be honest, I can't always see that reality. Right now, I see my reality.

So, readers (if there are any of you out there), what do you do when you are facing the fear, the stress, the inability to grasp that something bigger and better is out there? Because right now, I can use all the advice I can get.

It's just a ride.

2009-01-26T14:15:00.003-07:00

Note: Any desire to be home constantly has been diminished by unemployment.

While, I am appreciative of sleeping in and moving at my own pace, the reality of unemployment often seems bleak and really not as much fun as I would have hoped for or imagined.

I have lots of song I am listening to on repeat these days, to subside the constant flow of emotions I feel. By the way, these emotions range from anger, to bliss, to deep pain, to frustration, to overwhelmed. And yes, a majority of these are sad emotions. Welcome to my head.

My current repeat song is "Just a Ride":

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
then BANG
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
and then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared
don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
accept that
there's no getting off
So live it, just gotta go with it
coz this ride's, never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride.

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
no need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
don't be scared now
dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
but don't forget enjoy the ride.

I'm ready to get off this ride...

Stop and cherish this moment

2009-01-20T12:21:00.004-07:00

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. -- Barack Obama, 44th President of the United States of America

What an amazing day...

To choose hope over fear, love over hate, unity over discord.

It is possible. It will not be easy or quick, but it is completely possible.

It is a new day.

At least I'm not pregnant

2008-12-31T06:10:00.000-07:00

Over the last three years, there have only been a handful of things that are consistent. The Worleys, Great American Beer Festival and my job. I had started with my job as a temp. I was the executive assistant to one of our Chairman for our Cherry Creek office. This was something unlike I had never experienced before. I complained about the needing to change outfits in the middle of the day because I wasn't wearing the proper attire. I had the chance to go to a beautiful hotel and relax completely. I found areas that I am very confident in and areas that should be left alone.

And while I have been wanting to move on for a while, here's the reality of my life. As of today, December 31, I am without a job. My position was dissolved and I will be working at Starbucks until I find something permanent. There are things I will miss about my job, and mostly it's the people. I have some good friendships at my office. We have a routine there. I will miss those people. I will miss my discussions about The Hills, ANTM, and The Office. I will miss the events that I planned, the areas of strengths I developed and the chances I was given. But at the same, it's time for me to move on. My passion doesn't lay in the financial services area, it's not the best area for me and what I believe to be true about me. And at the end of the day, what I do from 8-5 Monday through Friday, doesn't get me out of bed in the morning. In fact, it makes me want to stay in bed.

But as the news is slowly getting out, the overwhelming question is "what are you going to do next?". I wish I had a more eloquent answer than "I just don't know yet". I have over 50 resumes out in the Denver area. I have applied for things that I don't qualify for to things that I am over-qualified for. I have applied to jobs just to apply and have had two jobs that I really wanted deny me. But unfortunately, I have no idea what is going to happen next. And while I appreciate everyone asking me and their concern, it's a similar question to "why are you still single?". I have no idea how to answer either, so my new standard answer is "well, at least I'm not pregnant.".

I have no idea what the future holds. Actually, that's a lie, I do. I know it involves cleaning the hell out of my place, searching and applying for jobs that I want, spending time with Rowds, breathing deeply, enjoying some much needed space. Sure this might mean that I might have to stay at Starbucks part time a little bit longer and sure this might mean facing some deeper issues about being alone and sacrificing a constant going out, but hey...

At least I'm not pregnant...

New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-13T18:07:00.003-07:00

It's getting towards the end of the year. And I won't lie, 2008 hasn't been the best. There have been many struggles, many sacrifices, many losses. There has been humility given out by the fistful, too many tears, too much heartache.

And with the end of the year comes reflection and hope. While I haven't taken the time to read through my posts from 2008, I have begun to think about what I want out of 2009. There is the possibility of going back to Kenya, a place where my heart is still kept, where I still long to be. There is the possibility of Spain. There is Vegas, Chicago, Fargo... There will be new jobs, new adventures, new loves, new heartaches. And instead of making the traditional New Year's Resolutions which are bound to fail, I came across some mantras from the Dalai Lama. Perhaps these should be the goals I have for myself in 2009:

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three R's:
Respect for self
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

next steps

2008-10-18T12:14:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking more and more recently about what I should be doing.

Should be. It's a dangerous grouping of words. I should be cleaning my house, walking my dog, studying for the GRE, working more at Starbucks, creating more intentional time with friends, meditating, caring for my soul...the list could go on. But those two tragic words together induce such shame. I really should be doing what I think is best for me.

I'm tossing around the idea of going back to grad school. However, this is where the pull is. I already have a master degree. Why do I need another one? If I go back to school, shouldn't I be going after a PhD? Not that my first isn't important, but outside of the church, most companies have no idea what the hell to do what a Master of Arts in Transformational Leadership, hence the fact I leave the Transformational part out on my resume. And really, do I need another master degree to do what I want?

But that leads to the ultimate question...what do I really want to be doing? I know the things I believe about myself, that I was put on this planet to create change in it. That the systems we have in place aren't helping people and I want to help people. So does that mean I need a different degree? Do I need a Social Work or Public Policy degree?

(And if someone could tell me what a degree in Public Policy really does, I'd appreciate it.)

But in the same breath, the ultimate question brings up some great fears. Do I really want to pay $90,000 for a degree in Social Work when making that will never happen? Why do I have to take the GRE because I suck at standardize tests and already have a degree, shouldn't that be enough? How would I make ends meet?

Maybe this is all a ramble, but at the end of the day, I need some direction. But I know, I definitely need to start looking at some next steps for my future.

What an interesting time we live in...

2008-09-20T14:12:00.003-06:00

I won't lie. With the election just around the corner, everything is heating up. The conversations are heated, the vibes are heated, even The Onion posts are heated.

And here's the truth...I.LOVE.IT.

I don't know if our country has ever experienced anything like this before, and it might never happen again. People who have never been involved with politics are making phone calls, purchasing buttons, and supporting the hell out of their candidates.

We will all never agree, however, living in this country allows us the freedom not to agree. It allows us to speak our minds freely and have the fun/hard/heated conversations. We are living in a land that gives us the chance to try something new and think about possibilities. If we all agreed, what would be the fun in that?

It surprised me the other day to find out that someone who is as avid McCain supporter removed me from their friends on Facebook because I support Obama. They have every right to support McCain and I have every right to support Obama. It doesn't make either one of us a "bad" person because we support the candidate we do. Our country, our liberties give us this chance...why shouldn't we embrace it? Hell, even the avid McCain supporter I sit next to in my office looks past who I am voting for and we still get along.

It's my hope that somehow this election, these times, allow us to embrace each other's opinions. Why we don't, why we choose fear and why at the end of the day, it's easier to hate instead of breathing deep and seeing a chance to learn how to listen better is beyond me.

Do the research, register to vote and take a chance. Embrace the opportunity we have...you may never get it again.

Obama/Biden 2008!

Issued by the McCain campaign

2008-09-01T15:16:00.003-06:00

Someone recently asked me to engage a conversation on why I feel so passionate about this Presidential election.

There are many reasons, but one of the major reasons is McCain's stances on women's issues.

Here is where John McCain stands on basic women issues:

McCain Opposed Equal Pay Bill for Women, Said They ‘Need Education and Training’ Instead. McCain skipped a vote on the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act that would ensure women have the opportunity to recover back pay for discrimination once they discover it. If he had been there to vote, he said he would have voted against it and that women “need education and training” rather than an equal pay bill. The bill addressed a recent Supreme Court decision that said Steelworker Lilly Ledbetter could not recover back pay for 19 years of discrimination at Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. because she had not discovered the unequal pay until she retired. The bill would amend the 1964 Civil Rights Act to allow employees to file charges of pay discrimination within 180 days of the last received paycheck affected by the discrimination. [Source: aflcio.org; H.R. 2831, Vote 110, 4/23/08; Associated Press, 4/28/08]

McCain Voted to Gut the Family and Medical Leave Act. In 1993, before finally voting for the Family and Medical Leave Act, McCain voted to jeopardize leave for millions of workers by gutting the bill. He voted to suspend the Family and Medical Leave Act unless the federal government certified that compliance would not increase business expenses or provide financial assistance to businesses to cover any related costs. [Source: aflcio.org S.Amdt. 16, S. 5, Vote 7, 2/4/93; H.R. 1, Vote 11, 2/4/93]

Source for the following information: Planned Parenthood

McCain opposed spending $100 million to prevent unintended and teen pregnancies. In 2005, McCain voted NO to allocate $100 million to expand access to preventive health care services that reduce the numbers of unintended and teen pregnancies and reduce the number of abortions.

McCain opposed legislation requiring that abstinence-only programs be medically accurate and scientifically based.
McCain voted NO on legislation that would help reduce the number of teen pregnancies by providing funding for programs to teach comprehensive, medically accurate sexuality education and other programs to prevent unintended teen pregnancies.

McCain opposed Title X, the nation's family planning program.
In 1990, McCain voted NO on legislation to extend the Title X federal family planning program, which provides low-income and uninsured women and families with health care services ranging from breast and cervical cancer screening to birth control. (Because low income families should also worry about cancer and the inability to pay for screenings on top of every thing else.)

McCain opposed requiring insurance coverage of prescription birth control.
In 2003, McCain voted NO on legislation to improve the availability of contraceptives for women and to require insurance coverage of prescription birth control. (Because paying for a birth is so much cheaper than my $30 a month birth control)

McCain opposes comprehensive sex education.
In an interview aboard the "Straight Talk Express," McCain struggled to answer questions about comprehensive sex education and HIV prevention. He also stated that he supported "the president's policy" on sex education. (Because obviously giving teens all the information possible will lead them to have sex. I was shamed and scared into waiting till marriage to have sex by a youth group and that was such a better tactic.)

McCain unsure where he stands on government funding for contraception.
"Whether I support government funding for them or not, I don't know," McCain said about contraceptives.

McCain opposed repealing the "global gag rule."
In 2005, McCain voted NO on legislation to overturn the "global gag rule," which bars foreign nongovernmental organizations from receiving U.S. family planning assistance if the organization (using its own, non-U.S. funds) provides abortion services or information or advocates for pro-choice laws and policies in its own country.

McCain supports overturning Roe v. Wade.
In February 2007, the AP quoted McCain stating, "I do not support Roe v. Wade. It should be overturned." In May 2007, he reiterated his desire to overturn Roe v. Wade during an appearance on Meet the Press stating, "My position has been consistently in my voting record, pro-life, and I continue to maintain that position and voting record."

(Thank you Barak Oblogger for posting these!)

I'm not here to argue whether or not Roe v. Wade should be overturned (though I do think it should be available), but as a woman, I can't think of a worse possible President (let alone a male) to dictate my body and my reproduction system. That should be my choice, with my ethics and my morals that lead me to make those decisions, not the government.

So, maybe the picture wasn't issued by the McCain campaign, but I have a feeling he might agree with it.

Attending the Acceptance Speech

2008-08-29T06:00:00.003-06:00

Yesterday, my friend Julia came to my desk to ask if I wanted to go see Obama. I simply thought she meant go back outside to the hotel where he is staying and watch the motorcade drive by again. I grabbed my camera and said sure.

That's when she surprised me. She meant go see Obama. I immediately said yes. No matter what needed to be done throughout the rest of the day, I had to be there. After clearing it through everyone, we left.

Unfortunately, we didn't really think this part through. We got a taxi that took us to the Pepsi Center and then walked the 2 miles to meet our tickets. Her friend, a lobbyist with Planned Parenthood, had 2 extra tickets. (Thank you Planned Parenthood for the seats and I will be voting against 47 in November!) And then we waited. And we waited. And we waited. We stood in line for 3 1/2 hours to get through security and up to our seats.

When the Rockies were in the playoffs last year, I sat in the 2nd to last row of the stadium. When Obama spoke last night, I was in the 10th to last row of the stadium. We had a great view of the back of every speakers head. But I was there. I was there when Obama accepted the nomination. I was a part of history.

My only complaint about last night isn't the walk or the long line, or the location of our seats. It was that I couldn't hear Al Gore or Obama speak. The echo was horrible that high up and when the crowd got excited, well, it should have been an adult from a Peanuts cartoon. Thankfully CNN always posts the text from the speeches and I was able to read what each man had to say.

Historic? Definitely. Aw inspiring? You betcha. Chance of a lifetime? Of course. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

And if that wasn't enough, in a crowd of 75,000, I was able to see my friend Jeni, randomly on the street. Want proof of the evening? Click here.

BREAKING NEWS

2008-08-28T15:22:00.001-06:00

I GET TO SEE OBAMA TONIGHT...LIVE, IN PERSON, AT INVESCO.

yes, you should feel the excitement.

The DNC

2008-08-28T08:24:00.002-06:00

Once this week finally settles down and I can finally breathe, I'll post on what having the DNC in town has meant to me. For the time being, after watching most of it on TV over the last few days (and tonight at a watch party), here's one of the better parts from Bill Clinton's speech:

The Republicans will nominate a good man who served our country heroically and suffered terribly in Vietnam. He loves our country every bit as much as we all do. As a Senator, he has shown his independence on several issues. But on the two great questions of this election, how to rebuild the American Dream and how to restore America's leadership in the world, he still embraces the extreme philosophy which has defined his party for more than 25 years, a philosophy we never had a real chance to see in action until 2001, when the Republicans finally gained control of both the White House and Congress. Then we saw what would happen to America if the policies they had talked about for decades were implemented.
They took us from record surpluses to an exploding national debt; from over 22 million new jobs down to 5 million; from an increase in working family incomes of $7,500 to a decline of more than $2,000; from almost 8 million Americans moving out of poverty to more than 5 and a half million falling into poverty - and millions more losing their health insurance.
Now, in spite of all the evidence, their candidate is promising more of the same: More tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans that will swell the deficit, increase inequality, and weaken the economy. More band-aids for health care that will enrich insurance companies, impoverish families and increase the number of uninsured. More going it alone in the world, instead of building the shared responsibilities and shared opportunities necessary to advance our security and restore our influence.
They actually want us to reward them for the last eight years by giving them four more. Let's send them a message that will echo from the Rockies all across America: Thanks, but no thanks. In this case, the third time is not the charm.

Why I feel like I'm going to fail at the DNC

2008-08-15T05:54:00.003-06:00

In recent months, I had a brush with a celebrity and froze in the moment. I figured that I could redeem myself and somehow, I wouldn't embarrass myself come DNC time.

However, after last night, I think that I am going to fail miserably in the next few weeks.

My friend Sara and I went to see Joshua Radin last night at my favorite venue in Denver. As we stood in the crowd, I realized we standing next to Joshua. Eventually I asked him if he often stands in the crowd and his response was no, but that he thought he should. When the opening act finished, I reminded him that he had to go get ready. His response "Oh yeah, I have to go put on my eyeliner".

When the lights dimmed, I realized my mistake. The person I had been talking to wasn't Joshua. It was his bass player.

Oh. My. God.

I felt like the perpetual L should be branded on my forehead. I felt like the biggest idiot in the world.

I realized in that moment, I'm either going to confuse someone or not even recognize them come DNC time.

But the show was fantastic. Especially the part where Joshua came out to the crowd and stood about 100 feet from us and played acoustically.

"That could have been a really difficult conversation"

2008-07-21T14:23:00.002-06:00

On Saturday, in the 99 degree weather, Christen and I went to the Mile High Music Festival to see some great bands, enjoy the great weather and do some great people watching.

I watched the following bands:
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
O.A.R. (Of A Revolution)
Steve Winwood (this is only because part of the Tom Petty concert became a Steve Winwood concert)
Spoon
Stephen Kellogg & the Sixers
Citizen Cope
Lupe Fiasco
Gavin Degraw
Josh Ritter
Newton Faulkner (where I saw Ingrid)
Eric Hutchinson

And I'll be honest, I now love Spoon. I plan on seeing them the next time they are in Denver. They are totally worth it. It was also hilarious that they interrupted their concert to help the audience member looking for shrooms.

Christen and I beat the heat by lounging in the shade tents, enjoying the bands and the day. We had a great discussion about pepperoni, and that we wouldn't murder each other. We also found out that Steve is the greatest person ever.

The day could have been ruined by awkward run-ins, arguments, and in general horrible vibes, but it was a great way to spend the Saturday vibe free and not being around people who would have been a bust on the entire day.

It was worth it...every penny and I hope it's back next year. I'd go to both days next year.

My moment of greatness...and I froze

2008-07-02T06:47:00.003-06:00

Working downtown provides me with entertainment on a daily basis. I've gotten pretty good at identifying the truly homeless from the posers who want to appear homeless. The investment bankers from the high-end real estate agents. And then, there's the occasional celebrity.

Sure, I've seen the Mayor (at the local bookstore, and he was behind me. Thankfully, I was asking for a smart book) and the Governor (he said good morning to me as I was walking to get Starbucks). But last night, it was a real celebrity.

This guy walked into Starbucks and he had this look like a rock star. He heard my coworker and I discussing concerts and so I asked where he was playing. He didn't answer. He took his bottle of water and left. About a minute later, he walked back in. This time we really got after him. I asked again where he was playing and he said Red Rocks. I asked what band he was in and he said I would have to go home and google it. I asked again and he said Stone Temple Pilots.

This is the point where I could have asked every legitimate question in the book but here are the two questions I asked:
1) Is Scott on tour? His answer yes...
2) Is Scott sober?

Is. Scott. Sober. That's the brilliant question I asked. Not what's it like to play Red Rocks? What it's like to be on tour for ages with a great band? Can I have free tickets? And a backstage pass?

Ugh...Hopefully, when I meet Adam Duritz in September, I won't freeze and will be able to ask him the real questions.

By the way, it was Dean DeLeo, the Stone Temple Pilot's lead guitarist, I met last night.

drown me in love

2008-06-21T21:14:00.002-06:00

it's funny, since I wrote my latest manifesto, I've spent hours, minutes, seconds, wondering how to actually put it into action.

I so want it to be true. I want it more than I've wanted anything recently. And the truth is that I feel like I have a direction in my life again. Over the last year, I feel like I've lost what I want to be in true in my life. And I don't think Kenya is to blame for that, I think it reawakened some necessary areas. But I could not and I cannot reconcile the two areas.

I moved out to Denver with the belief that love could do anything, could change the world. And there is the part of me that still believes that, but I haven't put it into any action over the last few months.

So to read those words, to have it resonate in my soul, to cry tears of aching, to realize that you don't know who you are...it's a hard place to be. So, I did the two things I know best to do...I shamed myself and called my therapist.

I desperately want it to be. I am putting as much energy as I can into making it true.

I wish I had found these lyrics a couple of weeks ago

2008-06-20T19:57:00.002-06:00

you can’t play me like that, it’s a matter of fact
your nothing more than a typical whore,
and i won’t be your fool anymore.
maybe someday you’ll get it, perhaps you’ll regret it
or maybe you’ll find someone else who accepts it.
i won’t be the one
-- Tickle Me Pink "Typical"

These are the words I wish I would have said to the person who gave me the biggest load a couple of weeks ago, because sadly, they are true of him.

Truth vs. Reality

2008-06-18T09:07:00.004-06:00

"I want to be a better wife, a more conscious and present mother, a more loyal friend, and a better listener. I'd like to handle my anxiety better. I also want to be more organized because I'm tired and fed up with not being able to find anything. Many times that anything is my head. And starting yesterday I feel like I'm on my way to making every day Florida.
Here goes."

-- Heather Armstrong

I feel like I could swap out some these words and it could voice the struggle I am feeling in my soul right now...here's my version...

I want to be a confident woman, a more conscious and present being, a more loyal and better friend, and a better listener. I'd like to handle my anxiety better. I also want to be more organized because I'm tired and fed up with not being able to find anything. Many times that anything is my head... Here goes.

the reality after 3 years

2008-06-09T20:05:00.002-06:00

I was speaking with a friend today about something we are doing this summer. As we chatted about who we wanted to invite, they mentioned this "it's sad when I can't come up with more than 2 or 3 people I really want to invite."

Here's the reality...I could have said the exact same thing. There are 4 people here in Denver that I really want to be around, who I feel like they want to be around me. And in the midst of that, I have to wonder (and I apologize for the language) why the fuck I came out here. Not that things were wonderful in Chicago, but at least there, I had a truer sense of community. I followed a group out here, filled with the desire to love the Trinity more and the reality is that it was lead by a narcistic man who couldn't think outside of himself.

And here I am, 3 years later, feeling like I know 2 to 4 people that I could call if need be. And it's hard not to feel like you are alone in a large city...

Welcome to year 3 in Denver...God willing things begin to change.

Thank you CA

2008-06-07T17:08:00.002-06:00

Random note...

Last night I had a girls happy hour with Maria, Sheralee and Christen. We started at Delite and then moved to Beatrice and Woodsley. It was at B&W that I confessed I had no idea how use T-9 features on my phone.

Christen thankfully showed me how to use it. And all it is, you don't look at the screen. You look at the keyboard.

And Sheralee showed me how to T-9 in Spanish...

I believe this will forever change my life.

twofer

2008-06-04T19:57:00.002-06:00

As I was riding the bus to meet my friend BAC for dinner, I received a phone call from someone. I've know this person for 1 year and our friendship/relationship is one wave after another.

What proceeded over the next 15 minutes was the worst lying I have ever heard. My mom always told me that you can never shit a shitter and with my intuition, I knew exactly what was happening. And in the midst of the conversation, I was able to say finally that I am done. Which if you've talked to me about this person over the last few weeks, you know I've been ready to say "no more".

But after processing with Christen and BAC, what I've come to decide is that the excuse I got was by far the lamest excuse EVER. And what's sad, this isn't a first time I've gotten the worst explanation from this person. Perhaps that's why it's so easy to say "no more" to this person.

It's nice to be done.

hum.

2008-06-04T09:03:00.005-06:00

Someone asked me recently why they still check my blog every day even though I rarely post these days. And in all honesty, I don't know why she still checks either.

Last night as I was doing dishes at Starbucks (yes, for those of you who don't know, I took up a part time job to get completely debt free by next year), I had the time to process some items that are on the table. I thought about the response I really want to tell someone, about how I want the courage to say I am done. I thought about life, where it is, what it has been, and the disappointment I feel around some of it. I thought about how drastically different it looks compared to what it was imagined to be. I thought about a conversation I had earlier in the day about how a person's job and their true being were so drastically different that they didn't know if they could even be in the same room with each other.

Who knows where this is going and if I even have a point right now, but there is something to be said to the point that moving on isn't a bad thing...it just needs to happen...

I will be 30 in 663 days

2008-05-23T06:08:00.003-06:00

That has nothing to do with this post, it's just a fact that I'm keeping in mind.

I once had a friend who always talked about moving back to their home town. They would talk about the possibilities and then, it wouldn't happen. And while the hype eventually got to be a little much, I began to wonder if they really ever wanted to move or just wanted the possibility of something new and exciting in their life.

Every 3 years, I get the itch to move. I blame it on my upbringing. We moved every 3 1/2 years. Like clockwork, I began to realize that summers equated moving to a new town. And while KC was the longest I had ever lived in the same house and the same city, I created new things to change every 3 years. Friends, churches, schools...in a lot of ways, moving was the most stable thing in my life.

Here it is, 3 years after I moved to Denver. And of course, I feel the need to shake things ups. Besides a handful of friends and the condo, there really isn't anything keeping me here. I've lost more friends over the last 3 years than I think I have in any of my previous years. In a lot of ways, I feel like I've lost a mission for my life.

And if you can't leave (Denver's housing market is the 10th worst in the country currently), how do you shake things up to get a sense of new?

Hi, you might remember me...

2008-05-08T11:10:00.003-06:00

I use to author this crazy blog.

And it's weird to think 2 months have gone by without a post. It's not like nothing has happened. I had birthday, I went to Vegas, I had good friends in town, I had my parents in town, we kicked off spring with a wonderful bbq at my place, I was on federal jury duty, I picked up a part-time job, I've had people come back into my life, and I've had people take steps out.

Winter has finally ended and spring is arriving in Denver. The change of seasons always makes me think. What needs to be put to rest, what should come to life, what eventually should bring new life? And as much as I could force an eloquent post about what is changing in my life, the reality is that I have nothing to say. I don't want to force a post (much like a forced email I read recently) because I must post something.

Here's the deal...overall, I'm happy. I'm content...the people who have left have made me grieve and realize that sometimes, things end. The door is still open and will always be open, but movement is required. I've resolved the fact that my weekends for the next year are taken. I'm excited about the possibility of new friends at my part-time job. I'm really grateful for my friendships, new and old, that are willing to love me, in spite of my stubbornness and my hectic schedule. I have a hilarious dog that keeps me company (even when he breaks the screen door).

For the first time in a long time, I feel centered. And I don't feel selfish for saying that.

So, while I could tell you about the 7 mimosas I drank in Vegas or the fact that kissed Beth or that jury duty was a needed break and that I think I've made a decision about grad school, until the real words come, I'm okay with the silence.

100 things to do before my time is up

2008-03-12T13:33:00.002-06:00

Fifty-one through Seventy-five:

51. Be at peace with those who have hurt me
52. Understand my spirituality
53. Know how to start a fire
54. Practice Yoga on a daily basis
55. Learn how to rock climb
56. Learn how to give up and give into love
57. Ask for the raise I deserve
58. Ask my parents the stories of their lives
59. Drive a Vespa through Paris
60. See Saturday Night Live in person
61. Complete the Sunday New York Times Crossword puzzle...in pen
62. Perform with the Coyote Ugly girls
63. Create my will
64. Plan for my retirement
65. Live in the same town as my best friend
66. Begin annual trips with my best friend
67. Complete a half-marathon
68. Meet Heather Armstrong (aka: Dooce) and become friends with her
69. Get back stage to a major concert
70. Hike all the 13'ners in Colorado
71. Score under par on Disc Golf
72. Be able to identify the difference between Mozart, Chopin, and Beethoven
73. Buy season tickets to the Opera
74. Audition for local theater
75. Revisit all the childhood homes I had

100 things to do before my time is up

2008-03-11T05:56:00.002-06:00

Twenty-six through fifty:

26. Go to the Golden Globes
27. Adopt a child from Kenya
28. Dance in the rain
29. Stand on the pyramids
30. Run with the bulls
31. Learn how to surf
32. Live without TV for a month
33. Live without Internet for 3 months
34. Discover the next big band
35. Write an article for "The Onion"
36. Contribute to a charity that I believe will change the world
37. Meet Zach Braff
38. Live in Hawaii
39. See a Broadway premier
40. Spend NYE in New York City
41. Attend a black tie affair
42. Own a house that requires a front porch swing
43. Fly first class to an exotic location
44. Find a job that makes me happy
45. Learn how to drive a manual transmission
46. Cliff dive
47. Have lunch with Bono
48. Learn American Sign Language
49. Contribute an article to "Real Simple"
50. Have Stacy and Clinton be honest with me about my wardrobe

100 things to do before my time is up

2008-03-10T20:51:00.003-06:00

My friend Jeni recently began her list of things to do before she goes and of course, I began to think about my list...I'd love to hear some of yours.

One through twenty-five:

Live without my meds
Get married
Raise compassionate, self-aware children
Set foot in all 7 continents
Become a published author (on what, I have no idea)
Purchase a pair Manolo Blahnik
Become a paid photographer
Sky dive over the Sahara
Climb Kilimanjaro
Learn how to do the following well:

Ride a horse
Use a knife properly
Sail

Learn to speak Spanish fluently
Learn to speak Kiswahili well
Learn to speak enough Italian to live there for a year
Make love on the beach
Learn how to take a compliment
Become a doula
Take the train from coast to coast
Start a non-profit
Join the Peace Corps
Visit the Holy Land
Figure out my family tree
Invest in crazy invention
Spend extensive time in the following places

London
Paris
Madrid
Nairobi
Hong Kong
Tibet

Spend the whole day naked and be comfortable in my own skin
Drink beer at the Oktoberfest in Germany

it's time

2008-02-25T21:21:00.003-07:00

Last night on the Oscars, I heard one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard. And within hearing it for the first time, I can't stop playing it on repeat.

Tonight I figured out why.

The lyrics say the following:

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

I feel like this is so true in my life right now that I can't stop repeating to myself...

It's time that you won...

It's time that you won...

Goodbye to you...

2008-02-14T12:34:00.002-07:00

In recent years, this day hasn't bothered me. Of course I wanted someone to share it with. But it didn’t consume me.

Yet, this year, I’m consumed by the shame that comes from this day and what it says to the single people in the world. That, by being single, we are not worthy on a day like today. It’s no wonder that the rate of suicide is up around this time of the year.

And of all the people I could share today with, I can’t. There were two emotions I had when I got up this morning. One was to call someone in Oklahoma and let him know how I felt about him dropping off the face of the earth. The second was to call another boy and ask him to be my valentine.

I can’t do that…I can’t put him or myself in that position again. It’s not fair to either of us. I want to shake him out from under my skin. So that I don’t think about him all the time, so that I can move on…but it never seems to happen. Every day, he’s still there in the back of my mind. I’ve kept playing Michelle Branch’s “Goodbye to You” on repeat because I want it to be true. I want to say goodbye to him and be released from the emotions I constantly feel about him. But until that happens, I’ll continue to listen because hopefully, it will stop.

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

soul purge

2008-02-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

"You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result." Gandhi

The ebb and flow of life seems to be messing with my mind and my soul recently. I had so many expectations for 2008. That "2008 will be great" feeling was upon me when the clock struck midnight on December 31st.

And the reality is, what I’ve seen 2008 to be thus far hasn’t been fun to watch. I’ve pretty much owned up to a major downfall in my life, and I’m not allowing for much grace for myself or from others.

I feel like the goals I’ve set for myself a while ago really aren’t happening. I’m not being as proactive on some of them as I had hoped to be and there have been harsh realities in dealing with the others.

I was telling a friend today that I feel like I’ve let myself down over the last month and half. And not only that, but I feel like situations and people have let me down.

And the reality is, I’d much rather hide and stick to the life I’ve created in my house than face the reality outside. Becoming a recluse is really what I want to do.

If you had talked to me on Thursday, you would have thought I could have taken over the world. I had finally resolved the fact that a guy I had been chatting with on eHarmony had cut the ties (considering I haven’t heard from him in ages) and that I had received the apology I so deserved from my ex. I felt like I was winning the break-up in that situation. I even had enough courage on Friday to talk to guy in my building that has caught my eye for a while now. Friday night, I could speak to anyone with the courage and strength that had been pushed out of me for a while.

Then over the weekend, I had time to think. I thought about the relationships I have in my life, the new and the old ones. I thought about love. I thought about change. I thought about the reality of what I know to be true and how I don’t feel any of that truth on a regular basis. I thought about some of the situations I was in, and how I loved most of them, and others made me frustrated beyond words. I thought about the lack of grace I give myself and how easily I tend to give it to others. I thought about selfish decisions, about grasping, about the bottom. I thought about Denver and the hope it once had and how now I’m realizing that hope was never there and has never been here.

So what do you when in one moment you feel empowered and in the next realize your reality is pretty much not what you had hoped it to be? Do you tuck and hide or do you cling to the empowerment and figure out what your grasp is when the wind is blowing?

You can help!

2008-02-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

In response to the last post, I've created a set on my flickr page in order to help the Were family.

This set is to help the Were family find safety. All profits will be going directly to help this cause. Should you want to help, please contact me to order prints.

Prices:

5 4x6 -- $5

1 5x7 -- $8

1 8x10 -- $10

All prices include shipping as well as the story involving the picture.

I thank you and the Were family thanks you for your support.

In order to help

2008-01-31T12:32:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, we learned that Julius' brother had been murdered in Kenya. Just when we thought it couldn't get any closer, it has.

Julius left yesterday to fly back to Kenya to help settle his brother's estate and to help find safety for his siblings. And while I am praying for his safety while he is there, I'm seeking another way to help.

Financially, the Were's need money to get out of Kenya. Starting on Saturday, all of my Kenya pictures will be for sale with all the profits going directly to helping the Were family.

Please stop by my flickr page on Saturday to see what you could purchase to help this family get to safety. More details to follow on how to order your pictures.

And it continues

2008-01-29T05:56:00.000-07:00

I had a dream recently, one where I was back in Kenya. The Kenya I knew and fell in love with over the summer. I was sitting around with my Kenyan friends, laughing and playing spoons.

And the reality slowly becomes that the Kenya I knew and fell in love with this summer is ripping itself apart. And I become nervous. My friends are suffering great losses and from here, I have no idea what to do.

I received news this morning that my dear friend Julius has lost a family member in the midst of this saga. And my fear as Julius flies back to Nairobi is what is going to happen to him while he is there.

This is huge trauma to Julius and his family, but also to us as his friends. I know I've asked it before, but what do you do when a place you love is falling apart at the seams? Until I figure out an answer, I read articles like this and cry over the loss and the helplessness I feel.

Emmanuel

2008-01-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

God is with us. This is what Emmanuel means, however, Emmanuel also means a beautiful father who cares for his children deeply and who loves people fully.

Emmanuel is Julius' brother, who lives in Kenya with his three children. We were fortunate to spend quality time with him this summer and I love him...he's amazing.

We recently got this email from Julius regarding his brother: He has been robbed by policemen who beat him with those big sticks they carry for no apparent reason at all. He has been robbed at gun point but all in all he will live to see another day. Right now, I [Julius] am unable to keep in touch with him over the phone because that too was stolen...This is the scary news yet we still pray for peace and common sense to return to Kenya. He will be okay. Pray earnestly for peace and calm to return to Kenya. I am trying to pretend that he is okay...

I'm so angry, so frustrated, so disturbed by this. I know that there is nothing I can do from all the way over here, but I feel helpless now. Please continue to pray, please continue to ask questions...I can't see a piece of my heart, my home, my family continue to be ripped apart like this...

An update from Kenya

2008-01-04T13:28:00.000-07:00

Josie Mai, the Executive Director of Soulfari, recently sent out this email to update us all on what's happening in Kenya. I wanted to share it with all of you that keep Kenya on your mind:

Do you remember having growing pains as a kid? I remember lying in my bed at night, legs aching so badly I couldn't sleep. The pain never lasted long,but it reminded me that my body was becoming an adult,full, it's whole self.

This is the only way I can view the current violence and aching in Kenya. Relatively, they are still a new country, only recently playing by their own rules, not the colonist's. The rules are set, a few people are not playing by them, and the masses suffer. I won't goon about the details. As of this morning, a secondarily of protest has been stifled by the police and Kibaki is softening toward a recount. Transparency of this recount is the only thing that will ease Kenyans back to their daily lives. The media source I am following is BBC radio and internet. They are actually interviewing Kenyans, not just showing the"slum-dwellers" running amok as Kenya is "convulsed".

I talked for a long time with Julius on the phone last night. He, like the rest of us, is helpless to do anything tangible for our friends and family in Kenya.He spoke with passion about the situation, and I listened and asked my questions like a good sister,like a good executive director. Emmanuel and the kids are OK. They are in Dandora, a predominantly Kikuyu(Kibaki) slum and they are essentially Luo(opposition). Shops are closed, there is no transport,they are staying indoors. Florence is a sister living upcountry, closer to Uganda. There is even police presence there, in the country. She lives in a predominantly Luo area and reports Kikuyu's fleeing into Uganda. Other friends and family members are OK.I am not concerned about the Missionaries of Charity.They have built a fortress of a compound and can lock the 15 foot gate anytime. I am more concerned aboutVilla Teag in Dandora. The kids are safe inside, but I don't know about Zaria and the workers who usually come and go and do not actually live there.

As an organization, Soulfari Kenya will move through this with our Kenyan friends. We are in this for the long haul. None of our work is in vain. Meaningful relationships are never in vain. The trip for July 2008 is still on. We will make a final decision in April when it is time to purchase airfare. One week of political turmoil does not change the personal friendships we have forged with Nelson, Kym, Kwame,Gloria, the kids of Huruma, Emmanuel, Franci, Mary,and Kevin, Helen, Pamela, Salim etc etc.

In this present moment, money won't help. Shops are closed. But there will be some rebuilding to do. We want to be able to help in this process. If you are interested in donating specifically to rebuild the livelihood of our Kenyan partners, let us know. Or donate right now through paypal at our blog:www.soulfarikenya.blogspot.com

Meanwhile, you can also purchase a beautiful calendar created for Soulfari, filled with the faces and service that define us. Hang one where you will see it every day, to be reminded of the growing pains of our Kenyan friends, that it will pass, that there is health, hope, and happiness around the corner. You can order it here:http://www.lulu.com/content/1248988

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and concerns.Continue to be informed, and hopeful.

Josie Mai
Executive Director and Founder
Soulfari Kenya Inc

I couldn't have said it better myself

2008-01-04T06:07:00.000-07:00

Ariannna Huffington recently posted this on her site regarding Obama's win in Iowa. And for right now, this gives me such great hope for what will happen in November.

Yahoo for Obama!!

take a second

2008-01-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

If you've read this blog for 3 years or 3 minutes, you know that I have found a deep place for Kenya in my heart. After experiencing the beauty and wonder this past summer, it breaks my heart to see and hear what is going on in Kenya.

I've been worried about friends back there, curious to know what their perspective is like. Thankfully, my friend Nelson has kept me up-to-date on his side of the story from Kenya.

Today, I received this email from him:

Today there is a planed rally by the opposition In Nairobi and the government has denied them the permit to hold that rally. We are praying that The Government and the opposition would sit down together and sort this mess they have created. Today there are prayers for our country in a church near where I leave and I plan to attend. Take care and God bless you

I'm asking for 2 things this morning:
1) Please read what is happening and educate yourself. This is more than just a bad presidential election, this could be the beginning of something much, much bigger.

2) In however it takes shape for you, please pray for Kenya. This is a piece of my heart, my home, and I have friends there that I love deeply and miss on a regular basis. It's been so long since I've asked for prayer like this, and to be honest, I don't know what to pray for. At this moment, anything will be helpful.

It just scares me and breaks my heart to see this happening to my home...

Rememberance: The greatest year yet

2007-12-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

“Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that?”

It’s funny….I had often asked myself in 2005 and 2006 when I would finally catch my break. While both years were horrible, I finally remembered what it was like to have a good year.

I had written on my 27th birthday that “So, in honor of 27, I'm hoping this year will have 27 remarkable experiences that I can't deny and can't wait to share with the world." So as I look back over the last year, I realized I did have 27 remarkable experiences…here are just a few:

1. I went to Kenya and rediscovered a part of me that is so true and authentic that I can’t deny it. I miss that country every day, I miss my friends who I traveled with and the people I met there.

2. I bought a house. No, really, I bought a home. After spending the last 2 major holidays in my home, it is completely me, completely home. I don’t know if I can spend holidays any other way.

3. I adopted the mutt I live with who is becoming this cuddle bug. He’s great and slowly we we’re figuring out how to make this work. Thankfully he’s getting better personality wise…now, once training gets done, maybe he’ll be the super dog I’ve always dreamed of having.

4. I released the pain I’ve been carrying around since Radius imploded. At some point this year, I finally just said “it doesn’t define me”. While I think the anger I had towards the manipulation that happened was righteous, I can’t justify wasting any more energy toward it.

5. I took a risk and joined a small group through a church here. While the church itself wasn’t the place for me, I walked out with a new, fabulous, dear friend. For a while now, I’ve been praying that God would provide more girlfriends. I had some amazing ones already, but I was desperate for those who were uninvolved with the Radius story…Who weren’t affected by it and who had no idea the hell we had all been put through…In March, I met Christen and I love our friendship. It’s hard to imagine my world in Denver without her.

6. I stood at Coors Stadium and watched the Rockies get into the playoffs.

7. I went to my first SEC game in a really long time and remembered what college football should be and why the SEC is the best division in college sports.

8. I defended my political beliefs when someone when completely out of line with theirs. And no, my liberal thinking isn’t ruining America…it’s allowing more beauty in because of its diversity.

9. I survived my first huge car accident. And the even more remarkable part was that I survived it shame free. Perhaps my desire that my core issue is becoming less threatening might be coming true.

10. I’m beginning to see reconciliation in a friendship that I had released as done. While I am no where near ready to begin sharing openly again, I am ready to at least attempt a relationship again. That feels like growth.

11. I’ve seen one of the best shows (concert wise) in a really long time. Ryan Adams was the best way to return from Africa and completely reemerge as a changed human being.

12. My drives in frolf has gotten better (well, it had, considering I didn’t play much this summer who knows what the throws will be like in April).

13. I cooked my first turkey and was reminded that I am a pretty decent cook. I’m grateful that it is such a release for me.

14. I’ve discovered my passion for photography and that I have a pretty decent eye. And, finally, I’ve gotten all my Africa pictures in a condensed version so people can look at them (You can also look at the 2000 I took, but this the quick and dirty versions).

15. In light of 14, I’ve submitted work for photography shows out of hope to become commissioned. I might even post something on CL to see if people want to hire me. Who knows what will come out of it, but I need to take the risk to figure it out.

16. I’ve discovered that my liberal theology and thinking might be overwhelming to some, but for me is a source of comfort. The comfort comes from understanding, finally, that my theology is ever-changing, but my values don’t. What I believe in, the fact that it’s all about love, isn’t horrible or wrong, it’s truth (at least for me).

17. I’ve taken more risks with my heart than I could even imagine. I’ve loved more, laughed more, and ultimately figured out myself more. While there was one person in particular that had me head over heels and then broke my heart, I’ve decided that I am worth it…I believed in myself more this year than I have in the 26 years prior.

18. I’ve begun to ask for what I deserve and need, which is huge. I’ve learned that my desires and needs shouldn’t be minimized to make someone else happy.

19. I’ve realize that my life at work doesn’t define me and shouldn’t hinder me from pursuing my dreams. And that my definition of what a work relationship should be is perhaps different than what the rest of the world defines it as.

20. I began to meet with a life coach to seek help on where I actually belong career-wise. While I don’t have a clear cut definition, what I realize is that I am truly talented and need to sit in that more often.

While I could go on explaining how 2007 was the best year ever, I know deep down that it’s more than just explaining all I did this year. I know it’s more about the people I met, fell in love with, deepened friendships with and in the midst of it all, and realized who I had changed for the best. Anger, fear, lies, hurt had all been laid to rest and out of it came love, beauty and above all hope. Why 2007 was the best year of my life isn’t really hard to explain, it’s just the fact that I began to love myself more and hate myself less and that’s all that really mattered. Thank you to everyone who was a part of making 2007 the best…I can’t wait to see what happens in 2008!

My desire in someone else's words

2007-12-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

“I want to Love. I also hope to find a special kind of love. A love I’ve only heard of but never felt before. I’m hoping God sends me a personal companion. Someone I can gel with, share deep deep thoughts with. A person who is loving and caring. A feely touchy kind of person. Someone sentimental. An intelligent man. A man with strong values and who appreciates the simple things. A guy who is smart enough to tell confidence apart from arrogance. So when he says “Zindzi, You’re Beautiful” and I answer “I know” he would not see vanity rather he’ll see a confident young woman.”

- Zindzi R. Henry

Love Song

2007-12-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

If you ever saw the series premier of Private Practice, you saw Addison dancing around naked in her living room. She has her naked song...this might be my new one:

Love Song by Sara Bareilles (you can here it on her myspace page)
Head under water
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
You made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands

I'm unusually hard to hold on to
Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry
Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's
Make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better
Reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me
Because I say
I won't write you a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
Is that why you wanted a love song
'cause you asked for it
'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'cause you tell me it's make or breaking this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that
There's a reason to
Write you a love song today

Perhaps the greatest thing ever

2007-12-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

I've been home sick today (really sick). And while I've enjoyed catching up on my TV from last week and watching the Food Network (getting inspiration for Christmas dinner), I came across this site.

Holy crap.

This might be my new obsession. You can create your own cookbook. YOUR OWN COOKBOOK!

I could spend hours creating my own cookbook.

I think I've finally decided what my Christmas present to myself will be...as well as my mother's birthday present.

Any suggestions are helpful

2007-12-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

I love my dog. He's been a joy to have over the last 2 months. However, I'm slowly beginning to lose my patience and love for my dog.

In the last 2 months, he's eaten the following:
bath towels
hand towels
Christmas ornaments
pillows
beds
sunglasses
kitchen shears
carpet

I don't know if I can wait until the middle of January to start training him and risk losing my house to his teeth. And I don't know if I can take the risk of spending 8 weeks in training only to find out it hasn't taken and he's just as rebellious as he always been.

So what do I do? Do I turn in him to a family that could love him, have the patience to train him and be with him or do I wait for the chance to do that?

Any and all suggestions will be helpful. I need to make a decision soon...I can't keep living like this.

a season of: rememberance

2007-12-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

Over the next 29 days, I want to be intentional about this season. Remembering what it's all about, what the last year has brought, and other memories that come along the way.

The focus of this blog is about remembering. Specifically, remembering gifts. I think everyone remembers that one Christmas they got a gift they couldn't believe. Some of my most memorable gifts have included a car, my acceptance into the internship, a drill, and many others.

As I sat in church this morning (I know, I know), I remembered one of the greatest gifts my best friend has ever given me.

Tiffany gives me great gifts. Ones that are hilarious (the gnome pj's I got a couple of years ago after a bad break up), ones that are significant (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), but perhaps the greatest gifts she ever gave me was the time she asked to take communion with me.

I have no idea what happened around that day, but as she and I stood in line at New Community, she leaned over and asked if she could take it with me. Tears, of course, welled up in my eyes, and in that moment, I realized how much her friendship meant to me. Here we are, almost 9 years later, and I can't imagine my life without her.

Thankfully, I'll get to see her soon and simply catch up, but the best gift I've ever received from her was the gift of friendship.

Mr. Washington please

2007-11-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

I have recently said that Denzel Washington could read the Yellow Pages and I would say the man deserves an Oscar, which I will stand by to my dying day (he's in my top 5 favorite actors to watch).

Entertainment Weekly, which isn't a gossip read like someone said recently, said this about the man:

"You could saddle this Oscar winner with a movie about watching paint dry, and his able shoulders could carry it."

Seems like EW and I are on the same page...

So, my poll didn't tell me much

2007-11-24T18:49:00.001-07:00

Since I seem to have trouble meeting the type of guys I want to spend time with (ie: The Republican, which I don't mean harshly, but it's the best way to describe him), I feel like the next best thing is an online dating site. I've done match before and really, it was unfruitful. I feel like all the guys on there are only after one thing, and it's definitely not what I am looking for right now.

So, I posted a poll on here. Basically, I was seeking advice from the audience to which site I should join. I had lots of choices (and surprisingly, no one chose match, which just proves my point that it isn't a real dating site, it's a "get a piece" site). Ultimately, it was that I wasn't suppose to join a site...I was suppose to stick to meeting people the old fashion way which in this day and age, I don't know if that still works. It comes down to eharmony and chemistry (match's version of eharmony).

I have no idea what I'll choose and really, I'm not going to join until after the first of the year. But after today's football game, there is a new church in Littleton that I think I need to check out because it produces some hot guys...hehe!

Thanksgiving 2007

2007-11-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I took a big step further into adulthood.

I cooked my first turkey and in all honesty, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. And Thanksgiving ended up being a great day. Jodi, Christen, Anthony, AJ, Dave, and I had a great time eating, playing Apples to Apples and watching "While You Were Sleeping".

It's interesting looking over the last three year's and what Thanksgiving has held. The first year seemed to be a family setting, but as I reflected over it, it was just masking the truth that was there. Last year provided healing and freedom. This year was about trying something out and relaxing in my home with friends, laughing really hard, having good, stress-free conversations and enjoying what the last year has held. It actually really made me excited for the Christmas slumber party the girls and I are having for Christmas Day.

All in all, this whole adult thing is getting better...it will be interesting to see what the end of the year holds and what the next level of adultness will be.

random

2007-11-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

I recently purchased this plate, mostly for a center piece for Thanksgiving dinner. However, what I realized is that this plate serves as the inspiration for the first floor of my house. The orange is actually pretty close to what I've already chosen for my kitchen. The blue is similar to the color I want for my bathroom, the yellow is what I want for the living room and dining room. The bedroom, though, is still up for debate. I really wish I had a friend who is an interior decorator.

This was the sunset tonight. I won't lie, it was phenomenal and this picture does no justice to how pretty it actually was.

This is the face that I come home to every night and he is hilarious. The other night, he did a back somersault off the ottoman as I was trying to get him off. Seriously, funny stuff.

Trauma 101

2007-11-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

Since technically I have today off, I decided to sleep in a little bit. 7:15 wasn't all that late, but it's later than the 5:30 I typically get up at during the work week.

Rowdy and I headed out on our walk so that he could get some exercise and do his business.

As we stood at the corner of Mississippi and Monaco, I felt the leash slip through my fingers and then life went into slow-motion.

Rowdy ran through 4 lanes of traffic, almost getting hit twice and then ran back to me. Brakes were slammed, tears welled up in my eyes, and for a split second I thought I was going to see the most traumatic thing ever.

Thankfully, he wasn't hit and ran right back to me. I apologized as best as I could to the cars that had stopped and a couple of people waiting to turn rolled down their windows to express that perhaps this was traumatic to them as well and to see how I was.

Rowdy acted like this had never even happened.

I'm still waiting to catch my breath.

La Traviata

2007-11-10T15:08:00.000-07:00

Last night, my friend Christen and I went to enjoy a little bit of culture in Denver. We enjoyed a great dinner and then to see La Traviata.

It was last night that I fell in love with the opera.

I had seen an opera about a year ago and just couldn't get into it. It probably had to do with the group I was with, but for me, there was no connection.

Last night, I was swept up in the scenery, the costumes, the beautiful, moving music.

Even though we were in the last row of the theater, the price was well worth it. To hear a story about a love that withstands the test of time, perhaps that is what everyone wants

With you I would share
My days of happiness;
Everything is folly in this world
That does not give us pleasure.
Let us enjoy life,
For the pleasures of love are swift and fleeting
As a flower that lives and dies
And can be enjoyed no more.
Let's take our pleasure!
While its ardent,
Brilliant summons lures us on. -- La Traviata

If you didn't get this today, you should feel pretty sad

2007-11-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

My friend Sheralee sent me this article today and I won't lie, it was definitely the highlight of my day.

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time and it's totally worth the read.

I passed it along to many co-workers today, some of which said it was the funniest shit they've read in a while.

Thank you for posting this 15 minute lunch...it made my day!

What I realized today

2007-11-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

So, I'm currently on the search for a new winter coat. And I think I've found the one I want, but I've decided to keep looking...just in case. (Side note, the coat I really wanted was at Nordstrom last year and I'm kicking myself for not buying it.)

Anyways, while I was at the mall, I stepped into Old Navy. I use to love Old Navy. In fact, I would say at one point, I only bought my clothes from Old Navy.

But today, as I stepped into the store, I realized that I no longer want to buy clothes from Old Navy.

I think I've out grown Old Navy. I have no idea where I will now shop for casual clothes, but I'm sure I can find places.

However, no matter what, Old Navy will be my place for pajamas no matter how old I get.

After seeing this, how could I not vote for him

2007-11-04T07:47:00.000-07:00