hmmm....

Many of you know that I hate to take a risk. I'm afraid of not being in control, of not knowing what will happen at the end. My best friend often says I will marry someone who doesn't like structure and time tables...a risk taker.

I came across this quote this afternoon and it made me ponder risks:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach for another is to risk involvement. To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To believe is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering an d sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.
- Unknown

Right now more than anything, I need to be free. I'm hoping by taking the little risks I am these days, I can find it because I'm starting to feel trapped again.

define relax....

This is where I stayed this weekend. I spent much of the time in the multiple hot tubs, relaxing to the point where time actually stopped.

I laughed with coworkers, drank drinks and ate really good food. I felt so good after the weekend that I was almost too relaxed.

I heard people for themselves and not for what they do in the company. Lines similar to "who broke into my room and put socks on my teeth and why did they only leave one box of pringles?" (of course that person will remain anonymous).

Thank you Uncle Bank for giving me a great weekend where I actually felt like good was done to my soul. I really think I need to go back at least once a quarter to get that experience because it has been too long since I have felt this good.

Finally, someone understands

my love for Zach...

The blog I want to write

Isn't fully possible right now.

Mostly because I, myself, don't know exactly what I mean or what I want to say. And every time I go through it in my head, I can't explain it to myself.

Which leaves me even more frustrated, heartbroken, and angry.

And last night, as I watched American Idol, one of the woman sang Carrie Underwood's song "Jesus Take the Wheel" and I started bawling.

So until I can figure out what the hell I truly mean, this has to be my prayer:

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

86 days

I can't believe that I leave for Kenya in 86 days.

In 86 days, my life will be changed forever.

In 86 days, my friendship with Bri will go to a whole new level.

However, in 21 days, all of my money is due for my trip. And if I were Bri, this wouldn't be an issue.

But for me it is.

I have 17 days till I need to transfer all of my money out of my account and write a big check. And I'm still needing to raise $2,100. I'm willing to put it on my credit card or dip into the savings I have, but still that's a lot of money.

I'm confident it will happen, in some fashion, but if you are contemplating giving, please visit my site before the 17 days are up and donate to my trip. Because when you give, you come with me on my trip...and I'd love to have you there.

Easter time again...

As a young child, thankfully, I never walked in on my parents. While I know some of my friends have, my eyes were never exposed to that.

What does this have to do with Easter? I think last year's Easter could be described as a similar feeling.

When I climbed the fire escape to join some people, I walked into a room where I didn't belong. The entire room felt as if I was the odd man out. I was out of place and realized that I wasn't suppose to be, much what I suppose it feels like to walk in on your parents.

I think it was in that moment I realized what was actually going on within the community I had supposedly joined. I realized it was over. While I had feelings of what might be going on for a while, it was last Easter that truly solidify what I had been feeling.

This Easter is different. I'm spending the morning doing laundry, cleaning my house, and getting ready for church tonight. I'm having dinner with friends and then going to the mansion to house sit for the next two weeks.

I'm hoping this Easter can redeem the failure that last Easter was because the icky feeling that comes with remembering needs to be removed.

perhaps my greatest excitement today

I love him, I do...

just to let the whole world

I'm sick and tired of dealing with shame...I kinda wish I could trade it in for another core issue...